Friday, June 30, 2006

We Could Call Him Fart For Short

Another baby name discussion:

Brother 1's gf: I have to give my babies Italian names.

Brother 1: Nothing weird though, like your brother Giuseppe.

Brother 1 gets hit.

Brother 1: I want to name my kid Ishmalatwofarto. And then he can tell people, "It's Italian, in English, it translates to Fred."

** random note, spell check does not have "fart" in it's dictionary... huh...

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Going on a Trip/Anatomically Correct Male Llama

So, wonderful readers, I'm going on a spur of the moment trip to Minnesota. I dunno how often I'll be able to post, but I can guarantee that I'll come back with hundreds of funny stories. 8 hour car ride with the brothers, followed by fun time with family that shows affection only through should be entertaining, and I promise to update as often as technology allows.

Here's a classic from an earlier trip to Minnesota.

Summer, probably 1998ish, up at Uncle 1's house.

My Dad is making animal pancakes, you know, buffalos, ostriches, llamas.

Dad: Oh no, the batter dripped, this one is a male llama! Here, you can have this one.

Grandma takes the plate, cuts off the penis with her fork, and eats it.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Crispy Squirrels

Me: There's this squirrel that digs in the same spot in the yard every day. Are they really dumb animals? Cause I've only seen him find an acorn once.

Dad: Yeah... we should probably get out the b-b gun.

Brother 1: Or the FLAME THROWER!!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Zombie Attack

My house is decorated mostly in a southwest theme, with some crazy stuff hanging on the walls, like indian spears, and antler stabber things.

Me: You could really hurt someone with half the stuff hanging on the walls in here.

Brother 1: Yeah, if zombies were to attack, we'd definitely be able to fight them off.

Monday, June 26, 2006


The power went out in the house last night, and we were sitting around the kitchen table talking about how Brother 1 was afraid of zombie babies under his bed, when Brother 2 interupted.

Brother 2: Listen to what I'm going to do.

Brother 1: What?

Brother 2: You know those bars that you do chin ups on, that people hang from in the circus? Well, I'm going to get one of those, and hang in from the ceiling in the living room (it's two stories high there). Then, I'm going to dress up like a vampire, and hang upside down from it.

Me: Ok...

Brother 2: And then, when people walk into the living room, I'll spread my wings and attack.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Cheetah Legs

We rode our bikes 10 miles to the zoo.

Me: My legs feel like jello.

Brother 2: My legs feel like cheetah legs. A cheetah in the wild, running an astounding 44 miles per hour, slowly gaining on its prey. It takes an astounding few foot leap and grabs it prey by the neck.

Brother 2 just walks away... I was a little afraid for the animals at the zoo, but he proved not to be much of a threat.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

How Bread is Made

In the car with the fam, going to McDonalds. Brother 2's gf got an Oreo McFlurry.

Mom: Wow, that looks good, I think I want one of those!

Brother 1's gf: Yeah, I love oreo McFlurries.

Brother 1: At school, we put down a tarp and wrestle in them.

Brother 1's gf: Wouldn't you get a yeast infection if you did that?

Brother 1: Where? In my butt??

Brother 2: Yeah, a yeast infection in your butt, then you'd start pooping bread.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Everyone Agrees With Me

Brother 1's gf: I want you to go find a new girlfriend, and see how long she lasts. And you can't hide any of your weird tendencies.

Brother 1: Aw, I can't act normal for three months, so that when I start acting like myself she goes crazy and can't leave?

Brother 1's gf: No, you'll never find anyone else that can put up with you.

Brother 1: I wish I had arms like a Tyrannosaurus Rex so I couldn't wash the middle of my chest.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Craziness Extends Beyond the Immediate Family

Watching an episode of CSI with my mom. In it, a guy misfires his gun and shoots himself in the leg.

Mom: Grandpa did that.

Me: What?

Mom: Shot himself in the leg. I was little though, remind me to ask Grandma for the whole story.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


A discussion at the dinner table randomly turned to monks.

Brother 1: Aren't monks not allowed to talk?

Brother 2: Um... I think you mean mimes.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Random Pocket

I have a cycling jersey that has a pocket right in the middle of my back.

Me: Look at this pocket! I wonder what it's for.

Mom: Dead birds.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Father's Day

Dad received a weed wacker, a mug, the second ugliest shrubbery in the world, and a new shovel for Father's Day.

Dad: Aw sweet, a new shovel! (Taking off the stickers.) Look, it has a 25 year limited warranty! (Sticks that sticker on Brother 2's back) Now you have a 25 year limited warranty!

Brother 2: So, if I jump off a building, they'll replace me for free??

Brother 1: No, it's a limited warranty, it doesn't cover for stuff like that. It only works for normal use wear and tear. Throwing it off a building is not included in normal use.

Brother 2: (Takes the sticker off his back and sticks it on a can of pineapples.) Look! Now this can of pineapples has a limited warranty!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Best Buy Harrassment

Went on a bike ride w/ the brothers to Best Buy. Brother 1 wanted a new digital camera.

Girl working (name tag said JEN): Can I help you with anything?

Brother 1: Yeah, I need a camera that can take pictures of people at night without killing them.

Jen: Well, I don't think any of these cameras will kill people.

Brother 1: Yeah, I mean, like, when I take a picture, I want to be able to see their face. On my camera now, the flash makes them white.

Brother 2: He needs to be able to stalk people at night.

Jen: Oh, Ok... This one over here has a night vision mode where you'll be able to see people in the dark from really far away. It should be good for your stalking needs.

Brother 1: Oh great! What I really want is a camera with a touch screen for $10.

Jen: There's only one touch screen camera out now, and it's $450. I'd be happy to show it to you if you like.

Brother 2 to another Best Buy Employee: Do you think you can bend over so I can sit on your back like a chair?

Best Buy Guy: No, sorry, we don't do that.

Brother 1: Do you think you could put the camera in 2 bags? I have a neck like a Rhino, so I won't even feel the bags. I'm going to have to wear them like a necklace because we rode our bikes here... in the rain...

Saturday, June 17, 2006


Went to see The Break Up with the fam.

Brother 2: Mom, was this your ingenious idea to go see this movie??? (not a fan of chick flicks)

Brother 1: You just said urine.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Da Da Da Da

Calling Brother 1's cell phone

Ring... Ring...

Voice mail picks up.

Brother 1, on his voice mail message: Da Da Da Daaa... Da Da Daaa... Da Da Da Daaaa... Da Da Da Da Da... Da Da Da Da... Da Da DAAAAAAA... Da Da DAAAA... Da Da DAAAAA... Da Da DAAAAA (Indiana Jone's Theme Song)


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Insanely Long Bike Ride

So, I'm thinking about taking a bike ride across the country, starting in DC and ending in San Francisco.

Brother 1: You're never going to make it. You'll end up dead.

Me: No! I think I can do it, it'll take a long time, but I can do it.

Brother 1: I doubt it.

Me: Shut up.

Brother 1: Well, how are you planning on getting across?

Me: Well, the bike route goes from DC across Kentucky, the southern part of Illinois, through Utah and Nevada, and you end up in California. Thats how.

Brother 1: Ohhhhhh... I thought you were going to start in Florida, ride up through Maine, cut across Canada to Alaska, and then take one of those water bike down to Hawaii and back. You'd never be able to do that.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Mulch Madness

It's summer, which means my dad is digging up the yard again.

Dad: Who wants to help with Mulch Madness tomorrow?!?!?

Brother 1: Not me.

Dad: What? You don't like basketball?

Brother 1: That's March Madness.

Dad: Oh yeah, this is Mulch Madness! What? You don't like mulch?

Brother 1: No. It smells.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

What a Wonderful Baby Name

Brother 1: I'm going to name my kid Snatch N'Grab.

Brother 1's gf: No you're not.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Worms in your Legs!

Me: Last night, I was watching "101 More Things Removed from the Human Body" and this woman had live worms removed out of her forehead!

Dad: I heard about these worms that get into your legs.

Brother 1: Yeah, and they have to pull them out the bottom of your foot, a little bit each day, 'cause if it breaks off, they have to amputate your whole leg!

Dad: It takes like a month to get them out.

Brother 1: I'm going to invent a solvent that just dissolves worms.

What's with my brother and solvents?

Friday, June 09, 2006


Brother 1's gf: Yesterday during organic chem, we made chocolate covered pop rocks.

Me: Were they good?

Brother 1's gf: I dunno, I was afraid to try them.

Brother 1: You're afraid of chocolate covered pop rocks? What would that be called?

Brother 1's gf: Cocophobia?

Me: Cocopoprockphobia?

Brother 1: How about boob?

Mom: I think it has to have phobia after it.

Brother 1: No, just boob.

Mom: Can't you use a different word?

Brother 1: What? Like mammary glands?

Mom: Yeah.

Brother 1: You don't hear people saying, "She has great mammary glands!" or, "Ouch, I just got kicked in the mammary gland!"

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Fix Your House

So, the house across the street from me hasn't had siding for about 8 years now. About 6 years ago, someone wrote "FIX YOUR HOUSE" in spray paint on the pink panther insulation. It's still there.

Me: Can we go write "fix your house" again, with a different colored spray paint?

Brother 1: How about we wrap his house up in saran wrap?

Brother 1's gf: And we can blow dry it so they can't get out.

Brother 2: And then, we'll cut their phone lines, and gas, and electrical, so they can't call for help and die!

Brother 1: Yeah, and then we can invent a solvent that just dissolves saran wrap so know one knows what happened.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Pet Psychic

Ok, here's how a pet psychic works, you go there, without your pet, and the psychic reads the "vibes" off of you to find out what's bothering your pet.

Aunt J: I went to the pet psychic to find out what's bothering the new dog, but Rosie (a crazy dalmation) wouldn't stop talking! She went on and on about how "her dog friends have attics, and does she have an attic? I've never been in an attic before, I want to see the attic in our house!" (mind you, this is the dog psychic talking). So I went home, and showed Rosie the attic, I was pointing, and she didn't seem to understand, so I brought over this big mirror so she could see the door even better.


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I Am Spartacus

Back Story: In the movie Spartacus, the bad guys are about to kill Spartacus, and all his men start saying that, "That's not Spartacus, I'm Spartacus" so the bad guys get confused and don't know who they're suppossed to kill.


Dad: I am Spartacus.

Brother 1: No, I am Spartacus.

Brother 2: No, I am Spartacus.

That way, you never know who farted... oh, and this happens every time, about 10-15 times a day. Why are they so gross?

Monday, June 05, 2006

Missing Pants

In my house, there is the big room upstairs with video games and stuff, and a balcony that looks over the living room. Brother 1 is on the couch in the living room, brother 2 is upstairs with his girlfriend, and Mom is in the kitchen, where she can't see the balcony.

Mom: Did you turn in your math homework???

Brother 2 (comes to balcony): Yeah, I did.

Brother 1: Why aren't you wearing any pants?

Mom: What?!?!?! Get over here now, You better be wearing pants!!! (small nervous breakdown occurs)

Brother 2: Mom, I have pants on.

Brother 1-- hysterical laughter

Earlier in the day: Brother's 1 & 2, Brother 2's gf, and I are upstair playing video games.

Brother 1 (to me): So I came upstairs, and these two were on the floor having sex.

Me: Why didn't you guys lock the door?

Brother 2 & gf -- weird awkward look

Brother 2: He's kidding.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


-after seeing the new X-Men movie-

Me: If you can have any superpower, what would you choose? That guy that could throw those spike things was pretty cool.

Brother 1: I want to have explosive poo. Like, it's a grenade, where I could poo and throw it, and things would explode. And depending on what I ate that day, it would be more or less explosive. Like, eat mexican food, the house explodes.

Brother 2: I want to be able to give people really angry looks that would make them cry. ((scruches face up)) and you would burst into tears.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Jewel Bag

Brother 1: She can't be pregnant, I used a Jewel bag! (for those of you not from the Chicago area, Jewel is a local grocery store)

Brother 1's gf: A Jewel bag? How the hell would you do that?

Brother 1: You just put your legs through the handles and pull it up, then you've got your hands free!! Not like those annoying condoms...