Saturday, June 30, 2007


The family is going to Montana this week, so I'm not sure how much I'll have to post until they come back with stories.

Dad: Bring the football!

Brother 1: I'm going to throw the football at the buffalo.

Dad: I'll be the quarterback, and you can be the running back.

Brother 1: I want to be a full back, so I can charge through the buffalo. I'm a rhino , you know.

Friday, June 29, 2007


I'm sitting downstairs on the couch.

Upstairs, Brother's 1 and 2 are practicing their best duck imitations.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


Mom: Guess what I did today!

Brother 1: Put the dog down. (Buddy is laying on the floor next to him)

Mom: No!

Brother 1: Well, the look on your face said you had to put the dog down. What did you do today?

Mom: I forget.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Dad: What are you making?

Brother 1: Chocolate milk. It's like happiness in a cow.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


You know that really high pitched screeching sound boys are really good at making? Imagine that sound, bouncing off the inside of a honda, constant for a good fifteen minutes, in four different pitches (courtesy of Brother 1, Brother 2, Cousin J, and Cousin S). That was my ride home from Blockbuster last night.

Friday, June 22, 2007


Brother 1: If Chili's doesn't have a table ready, and makes us wait, I'm going to pull down my pants and poop. While spinning around.

Thursday, June 21, 2007


Brother 1: I hope my oily farts are misty. Like this, PIFFFFFFF!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


Brother 1 is trying out that new weight loss drug. One of the side effects is loose stools and oily farts.

Mom: I am not cleaning poopy underwear.

Brother 1: I’m excited. This will give me an excuse to poop wherever I want. I’m going to poop all over the floor.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


Mom: I can't understand why you're afraid of heights.

Me: Why not?

Mom: When you were a baby, we had to bolt all your furniture to the walls 'cause you would climb up on your dressers. You would walk along the back of the couch, and climb counters to sit on top of the refrigerator.

Me: How old was I?

Mom: Uh... probably about 11 months.

Monday, June 18, 2007


Brother 1: I want to have a Father’s Day and get presents.

Dad: You will eventually.

Brother 1: I want one now.

Dad: Ok. Go impregnate a woman.

Sunday, June 17, 2007


Brother 1 (singing Fergie's song Big Girls Don't Cry): I hope you know, I hope you know. That this has nothing to do with you. This has everything to do with a Japanese yellow tipped yew. (the tree we bought Dad for Father's Day)

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Family Adventures

Cousin J, Cousin S, and Cousin K slept over last night after a night of drinking and hot tubbing (Mom and Dad were in Vegas). We all woke up at about 10 AM. I wanted to take a shower, but the pilot light on the hot water heater was out, so I had to relight it, and decided that I'd wait until after dropping Brother 2 off at work.

We decided we needed McDonald's breakfast, so we all piled into Black Sable (Mom's 1994 full size van). We all got egg McMuffin's and drove towards Brother 2's work. On the way, the accelerator pedal stopped working. The van started making crunching and sparking noises, and the power steering went out. We pulled into an abandoned diner parking lot, and Brother 1 drove in circles until the car started working again. We pulled out into the street, and halfway out, the van died. We all jumped out and pushed it back into the parking lot. (read: 99 degrees outside, all of us in our pajamas). We call every single person we know in the area, no one is home to come pick us up. Uncle S is sympathetic, but he just walked into a restaurant for breakfast, so of course he can't come rescue us.

Triple A comes finally, after Brother 2 has walked half a mile to work, taking Brother 1 and the van to the auto repair shop. The cousin's and I are still sitting in an empty parking lot. Triple A drops off Brother 1, and nicely, Brother 1 asks if he can have a ride home. Triple A guy's response? "No."

So Brother 1 walks a half mile home, gets my car, and comes to get us. We finally arrive home at 12:30 (I was supposed to leave for work at 12:30... I'm still in pajamas). I jump into the shower for .5 seconds, get dressed as quickly as possible, and pack for a day of standing in the sun holding reflectors. I run outside, and my car is missing.

I run back inside, freaking out, and no one is home. I steal Brother 1's truck, and drive as fast as possible to work. (I made it on time!) I found out later that Brother 1 and Cousin J had taken my car to go get water balloons.

Overall, an entertaining day.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Weddings (Part 2)

Brother 1: I'm going to get married parachuting off the Sears Tower. Then, after 3 minutes of marriage, I can decide if I like it. If I don't, I'll drop my wife.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Weddings (Part 1)

Brother 1: I'm getting married on K2, the most deadliest peak in the world!

Me: Why?

Brother 1: So none of you can come.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Mom: Remember when we were going to name her after my family?

Dad: No.

Brother 1: What are you talking about?

Me: I was conceived out of wedlock.

Dad: Yeah! You were conceived out of love!! (To Mom) That was fun!

Brother 1: I was planned!

Me: No you weren't, Brother 2 was the only planned baby.

Mom: Yeah, you were the "Oh shit!" kid.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Politically Correct

Brother 1: You're a retarded whore.

Brieanne: Uh... that's not very politically correct.

Brother 1: Ok. You're a mentally disabled floppy McGee.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Bold and Italics

Brother 1: I wish I had one of those "out of the office" signs for my desk. One written in italics.

Me: Why italics?

Brother 1: So people would have to read it in a really high pitched voice. (squeeking) "Brother 1 is out of the office right now!!!" Oh! It could be in bold too!! Then people would have to scream in their high pitched voice!

Friday, June 08, 2007

Lost Babies

Cousin H (drunk): Where is my daughter? She's with you guys right?

Brother 1: Well, she was, but she wasn't walking fast enough, so we left her on the corner about twenty minutes ago.

Thursday, June 07, 2007


Dad: Shiny isn't a swear word.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Baby Cows

Brother 1: Who discovered that chaining up and torturing baby cows makes them taste like happiness?

Brother 2: Someone very smart.

Monday, June 04, 2007


Brother 1: Cows are really stupid, they only know one word.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Giant Spiders

Brother 1: Last night I was attacked by a giant killer tarantula.

Me: He was! His eyes were almost swollen shut this morning!

Brieanne: Did you actually see the giant tarantula?

Me: No.

Brother 1: It was huge! Three feet in diameter. I woke and couldn't move because it had webbed me. Cousin J woke up and Chuck Norris Round House Kicked him in the face, saving my life.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Best Man

Brother 1: I'm going to have multiple weddings so Cousin J can be my best man over and over again.