Brother 1: When I babysit your kid, I'm going to duct tape it to the wall above the TV. That way I can watch both at the same time. I'm also going to make a saddle for your kid to ride the dog. Or maybe I'll just hog tie the baby to the dog, that would be easier. I'm also getting it a tricycle. If it's too little to pedal, I'll just tape its hands and feet to the handle bars and pedals, and push it down a hill.
Brother 2 is laying on top of the dog, talking in a baby voice.
Brother 2: I'm going to make you into sausage. Liiiiittle tiiiiiny puppy sausage. You are going to be so tasty.
Brother 2: Aaaarh! (raptor noise)
Kyle: What the hell was that?
Brother 2: I don't have a penis. I have a raptor strapped to my waist. It gets upset when I suck in my stomach, it must be uncomfortable.
Kyle: I though your penis was made up of a bunch of worms.
Brother 2: Nah, that's Brother 1. They synchronize when he wants to have sex though.
Me: I have to get an MRI on my foot today, x-rays harm the baby.
Brother 1: I hope your baby isn't like Wolverine.
Me: It hasn't clawed its way out of my uterus yet. I'm pretty sure it's just a normal baby.
Brother 1: The claws could still be developing. I'm more worried about the metal skeleton. When you go in for that MRI, the magnets will rip it right out of you.
Dad: Did you hear about the Jehovah Witness that's been coming around trying to get Brother 2 to join a Bible Study? He's my age. He thinks Brother 2 is adorable.
Me: He used the word adorable?
Dad: No, I'm just trying to spice things up a bit.
Dad: This crouton floats in my soup. It is the spawn of Satan.
Brother 2: Things that float are the spawn of Satan.
Dad: Yes. Like croutons, bread, ducks and Oprah.
Me: Are you sure Oprah floats?
Dad: Parts of her do.
Somehow, hand-jobs came up in conversation.
Brother 2: Wait. I thought the whole point of getting married was that you don't have to jerk off anymore.
Kyle: Doesn't quite work that way.
Brother 2: That's surprising. Brother 1 and I are total freaks.
