Thursday, February 28, 2008

Beef Jerkey

Brother 2: Beef jerky is God's poop.

Me: Really?

Brother 2: Why do you think it tastes so good?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Brother 2: What should I be when I grow up?

Cousin J: You should write dirty novels.

Brother 2: Ok.

Cousin J: Novels about the sex lives of old cartoon characters. Like Scooby Doo.

Monday, February 25, 2008


Dad (singing): la la la la la la la la
serenade grenade
blows up in your ear

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


Dad: We were going to name you Cootie.

Me: Really?

Dad: It was either Vanessa, Elizabeth, or Cootie.

Me: Why didn't you name me Cootie?

Dad: We played rock-paper-scissors and I lost, so Mom got to name you.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Frost Bite

Me: I got frost bite on my fingers today at work!

Mom: But did your fingers turn black and fall off?

Me: No..

Mom (totally serious): Mine did, in high school.

Me: You have all your fingers...

Mom: It grew back.

Dad: Like a chameleon tail.

Sunday, February 17, 2008


Dad: You'd think that they'd go up to Scandinavia or northern Canada or something, where it wasn't so much daylight. These vampires are stupid, living in Texas.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Valentine's Day

Me: What did you get me for Valentine's Day?

Dad: A chocolate covered hamster on a stick.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Pottery Barn

Me: I need to meet cute guys. Where do I do that?

Brother 1: Pottery Barn.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Zombie Honeymoon

Watching Zombie Honeymoon with my dad.

Dad: If a zombie tries to puke in your mouth, don't let it.

Saturday, February 09, 2008


Dad: You sweet fart blossom.

Me: Is that a compliment?

Dad: Maybe.

Thursday, February 07, 2008


Me: I just tried to call my brother, but he didn't answer his phone.

Dad: Which brother? Big brother?

Me: Yeah.

Dad: Number 1 Son?

Me: Brother number 1.

Dad: Mother Fucker.

Me: Or Rhinoceros.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008


Me (on the phone): You should put my spaghetti in the microwave so it's ready when I get home.

Brother 2: Nope.

Me: You would do it if you were a nice brother.

Brother 2: I'm not your brother.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

All Nighters

Brother 2 woke me up at 6 AM.

Brother 2: Want to come out to breakfast with us?

Me: It's 6 in the morning.

Brother 2: We're hungry.

Me: Have you gone to bed yet?

Brother 2: Nope.