What A Wonderful Present

Dad: I'm growing a beard, that's my christmas present to all of you.

DNA

Dad: Toad girl!

Me: I am not a toad.

Dad: Yes you are, you're related to me! That means you have toad blood running through your veins.

Me: How did we get toad blood in our veins?

Dad: We had some kinky ancestors.

Productive

Brother 2: I'm going upstairs to play videogames and sniff crack off of a knife blade.

Mom doesn't even look up.

We Got Magnetic Poetry!

Poem of the Day:

Brother 2's butt is like
a thousand smooth incubated fiddles
producing an elaborate summer symphony
that urges friends to whisper delicate music into the rainforest

Arms (again?)

Me: I'm going to fight you.

Brother 2: How? You don't have arms!

Renaming the Insurance Guys

So, my Grandpa is in an assisted living home, 'cause he has alzheimers, diabetes, and arthritis that make it too difficult to live on his own. Last week, his scooter broke, which means he can't get down to the cafeteria to eat, and if he can't eat, his blood sugar drops, making his alzheimers worse. Then, he forgets things, like how he can't walk, or the number to call to ask the nurses to bring him breakfast.

Dad is pretty good at terrorizing the crappy insurance people though, so I think he'll be ok.

Dad (on the phone to insurance people): I could just stop by today and pick up a new battery for the scooter. That would be quicker than waiting for you guys to come fix it.

Insurance Guy: We're located in Salt Lake City.

Dad: You're in Salt Lake City? How the hell are you suppossed to help all the way out there?

Insurance Guy: Actually, we do a lot out here, I can call the Chicago branch and set up an appointment to come out.

Dad: Just give me the number.


2nd convo:::

Dad: I need you guys to come out today.

Insurance Guy 2: It usually takes 3-5 days for a technician to be available.

Dad: Ok, so then, when my Dad starves to death because he can't get downstairs to eat, I can blame you for that? What was your name again?


3rd convo (now trying to reach some woman named Donna, 5th try that day):::

Insurance Guy 3: Donna is still out to lunch.

Dad: Donna's been at lunch for 2 hours. Are you sure she even exists?

Insurance Guy 3: She should be back within the next half hour.

Dad: You guys might want to evaluate her work ethic though. She didn't come to work today until after 9:30, and then she's taken a 2 hour lunch. Yesterday she left before 5 o'clock too.


-----

Dad (to me): I figured out why insurance sucks so much in America.

Me: Really?

Dad: Yeah. Everyone I've talked to have names like Kyyyyyyyle, and Briiiiiian, and Tyyyyyyler. Total wuss names, of course they can't help.

Tramp Stamp

Me: I want to get a tatoo.

Brother 1: Just don't get a tramp stamp!

Me: What is a tramp stamp?

Brother 1: You know, the tatoo on the lower back that works as a bulls-eye in the bars. You scan for the lower back tatoo, and when you find one, you know that girl will be easy.

Tail?

Brother 2 triped up the stairs with a glass of orange juice in his hand. He almost spilled all over the carpet.

Brother 2: Wow, that was close. Good thing my tail helped me balance.

Ouch

Me: I have a headache.

Dad: I'm not suprised. Last night, I snuck into your room and hit you in the head with a ball peen hammer.

Porn

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Glasses?

Mom: Your glasses are outside on the ledge, I used them as safety glasses this afternoon.

Brother 2: What glasses? My seeing goggles?? I'll go get them.

Brother 2 comes back inside carrying a stylish small pair of eye glasses.

Dentist

Dad: I have a dentist appointment today. I'm going to eat a bunch of chocolate cookies before I go so my teeth are all brown.

Dora the Explorer

Brother 2: I like to color.

Me: I have a Dora the Explorer coloring book if you want to use it.

Brother 2: No thanks, Dora is a whore.

Chameleon

I kinda tore up my feet tap dancing the other day, and Dad was yelling at me about it.

Me: I didn't realize how bad it was, they didn't really hurt. I thought I was just getting a blister, and then I took off my shoe and the tip of my toe was gone.

Dad: You know, you're not a chameleon, you can't grow back toes.

Brains

Making a new screen name for Mom so she can play online poker.

Me: That name is already in use... we could try adding numbers to it, how about 810?

Mom: Why 810?

Me: Uh... 'cause that's your birthday? August 10th?

Mom: Sometimes I think my brain doesn't work anymore.

Stabbed

Brother 1's Friend: Didn't your mom dump out your alcohol once?

Brother 1: Yeah, she dumped out my vodka. I almost stabbed her in the eye.

Shark Attack

Me: Why are you going to a lawyer?

Dad: We're making the business incorporated and starting a trust, so if I get hit by lightning, eaten by sharks, or attacked by bumbly bees, everything will roll over to you guys.

Bored

Brother 2: When are aliens going to come, or mole people come out of the ground and attack? I'm getting kinda bored here.

God

Watching I Shouldn't Be Alive with Mom, and the guy in the show's plane crashed in the ocean, and he has to swim really far to shore.

Guy on TV: I just asked God to help me, to do anything he could to make it a little easier for me to make it to shore.

Mom: So God sent sharks.

Stars

Brother 1's Friend: Remember that time you spelled out "Will you go to prom with me?" on the ceiling of your bedroom in glow in the dark stars?

Brother 1: I need a drink.

Testicles

Brother 1: Does your left nut ever hurt for no reason? Mine does all the time. You can get 70 grand for selling a testical. I'm definitely going to do that with the left one.

Antidote

Brother 2: My ankles are getting really warm.

Cousin J: Do you have the antidote for that?

Turkeys

Brother 1: Could we get a pet turkey? It could live in the backyard.

Happy Thanksgiving

Mom: Why doesn't it smell like turkey in here? It's been in the oven for over 2 hours!

Oh shit! Who turned off the oven?!?!

Dad: Not me.

Me: Not me. The boys are sleeping, you must have done it.

Stat Counter

So, like most of you out there, I use stat counter. I like it 'cause I can see where people are reading from (shout out to the reader from Japan!) and where they found me. Yesterday, I checked it, and some one had read in Andelucia, Spain. I thought that was pretty cool, so I checked their info.

They found my blog by google searching "worms taken out of boob". Strange.

But seriously, the only reason I use stat counter is so that I can rub it in John's face when my blog becomes more popular than his.

Longer Arms

Dad: Do you think you could grow you arms a few inches longer?

Brother 1 as a Fudgem

Dedicated to Nicole

Remember Ballsackulous Miraculous?

His wife's name is Asscrackulous Miraculous, and his first son's name is Ratsaculous Miraculous.

Another New Name

I run a football pool through work, and this week, when I picked up the sheet, there was a new person on the end, "NUB".

Me: Who's this new person?

Dad: Nub? That's me. (scratches the beginnings of the beard he's growing)

Me: Ok.

Dad: My full name is Nubulous McAllister, but that wouldn't fit on the sheet.

Ho

Brother 2 was telling me about this thing he was going to invent that would scrape up snow using a hoe attached to a remote control car.

Brother 2: ... and I'm going to attach a hoe to it, but not a street ho, a garden hoe.

Monarchy

Telemarketer: May I speak with the president of your company?

Dad: Well... we don't have a president. We have a king though, would you like to talk to him?

Words of Wisdom

Dad: If we could control time, we could rule the world.

Mustard Tea

Dad: Is this lemon juice? I should put this in my tea.

Me: It's lime juice, look for a yellow bottle.

Dad: What about mustard?

007

Mom: They need someone cute for the new Bond, like the guy from Grey's Anatomy, McNasty, or McFeely... what's his name? Oh yeah, McDreamy.

Italians

Mom: Cousin J, is the mostachiolli as good as your moms?

His mom is Italian, he couldn't honestly answer the question without offending my mom, so he chose not to answer instead.

Cats

Mom: There was a big yellow cat in our backyard yesterday.

Dad: Did you shoot it?

Mom: No.

Dad: Did you throw it in the trash?

Mom: No, I kicked it, then threw it out of the yard.

The OC

Dad: I need to go to bed.

Me: You can't! You need to finish watching the season premiere of The OC!

Dad: I dunno if I can... it's making me nauseous, my stomach hurts too much.

Ideas

Brother 2: Come pick me up from school.

Me: No, walk.

Brother 2: It's cold! I'll get pneumonia again and die!

Me: That wouldn't be so bad.

Brother 2: I know. Oh wait! That would be terrible!!

Mustache

Dad: You should start taking steroids. You might grow a beard, but you'd be able to pick up that box.

Halloween

Brother 2 is being a lemming for Halloween. Brother 1 dressed up as the Domino's Fudgy Buddy from that weird commercial over the weekend. Get excited for pictures.

Wonderful

Dad: Oh what a craptacular day!!!

Pneumonia

Brother 2: I have pneumonia.

Dad: Yuck, you probably got that 'cause you don't eat right.

Brother 2: What are you talking about? I eat all the time.

Dad: Beef Jerky doesn't count.

More Hamburger Helper

Brother 1: I was supposed to make Hamburger Helper for dinner.

Me: Ew.

Brother 1: Yeah, so instead, I printed out this picture of this really fat girl on Facebook, and taped her face to the box, and hung it by the light in the kitchen.

New Religions

Dad: I'm inventing a new religion.

Me: What's it called?

Dad: I dunno yet. But as a member of this religion, you have to be silly all the time.

Undefeated

I went to the end of Monday Night Football. Here's what everyone was wearing:

Dad: Jeans, Bears tshirt

Friend 1: Bears Zubaz pants, Bears sweatshirt

Friend 2: Bears sweat pants, Bears tshirt

And they had a orange haired troll on the table for good luck. Maybe these were lucky from the 1985 season?

Poo Guitar

James Blunt, "You're Beautiful" comes on.

Brother 1: Think of how many girls you could get if you could sing like this. Like, at parties, you could just go up to the hot girls, start singing this song, and they'd be all over you.

Me: Honestly, that might be kinda creepy.

Brother 1: Not if you had a guitar! And especially if you pulled the guitar out of thin air. Like, you walk up with a drink in your hand, drop it, and pull a guitar over your shoulder. Or, pull down your pants and pull the guitar out of your ass. That would be even hotter.

Your Body Is A Wonderland

So, we're shuffling through Brother 1's iPod on the way to the movies, when "Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Mayer came on.

Brother 1: Aw, yeah, this is mine and Brother 2's song!! At night, I take off all my clothes, put on this song, and crawl into Brother 2's room, singing along.

Brother 2: You're lucky I sleep naked.

Compliments

I got my hair done a couple days ago. This conversation is entirely serious, no sarcasm at all.

Brother 2: Your hair looks really good like that. You're better as a blond.

Me: Thanks.

Mom: Stop making fun of your sister!!!

Monopoly

Me: Girls don't fart.

Mom: I agree, I've never farted.

Brother 1: Monopoly.

Dad: Yep, monopoly.

Brother 2: I thought it was Sorry.

Me, Dad, and Brother 1: Nope, Monopoly.


*Mom farted during a game of Monopoly about 10 years ago, and we still haven't forgotten about it.

We Have Letters On Our Fridge

Here are some things that have been written in the past few weeks.

I will eat your babies and step on your frog hands.

Brother 2 looks like a psychotic walrus eating pig.

Vanessas ass is huge.

I sold Vanessa's butt on ebay for one dollar.


* I'll be in Tennessee this weekend visiting Brother 1, so I dunno how often I'll update, but I can guarantee some great posts next week :)

M-I-C-K-E-Y

Dad: I like Justin Timberlake, I'm going to buy the box set of all his greatest hits so I can listen to all the great songs he did on the Mickey Mouse Club.

Drugs

Mom: Aw... I forgot to tell the doctor that you wanted me to go on that medicine that your friend's wife is on!

Dad: Paxil... Yeah, she's much nicer now.

Hamburger Helper

We never had Hamburger Helper growing up, but Brother 1's roommates have been making it for dinner.

Me: What is Hamburger Helper exactly?

Brother 1: This ass crap, paste, powder, disgusting stuff you mix with ground beef, that makes it turn into something.

Oh

Phone convo:

Me: What was I going to say?

Brother 1: You were going to say that I'm the most amazing grilled cheese sandwich maker in the world.

Words of Wisdom

Dad: You can never have too many arms.

Ca-Caw!

Brother 2 is firing an unloaded air gun at me.

ChiChic (the sound of a gun being cocked), Ca-Caw!

ChiChic, Ca-Caw!

ChiChic, Ca-Caw!

Brother 2: Have you noticed that on TV guns make the sound of a crow?

Me: Since when?

Brother 2: Ca-Caw!

Wow...

Watching CSI: Miami with Brother 2

Brother 2: How are they taping this show now? Wasn't Miami destroyed by that hurricane? Oh, wait, was that Orlando? Orlando Bloom?

Me: New Orleans?

Brother 2: Yeah, that's it.


There are problems with our school system when Brother 2 gets Orlando Bloom and New Orleans confused. Or maybe he's just a moron.

Hydraulics

Ok, so picture this: You're driving down the street, and the silver Honda Civic in front of you is rocking back in forth, while moving. Like, majorly rocking back and forth.

Driving Brother 2, Brother 2's girlfriend, Cousin J, and some other kid to Walgreens.

Brother 2's gf: LUGGAGE!!!!!!!

and then, they start rocking back and forth, so hard that my car is shaking... it doesn't stop until Brother 2 hits his head on the window.

I Am Loved

Mom: We're having stuffed chicken tonight for dinner, but I know you don't like stuffing, so I got you one stuffed with asparagus. But then, as I was leaving the butcher, I remembered that you don't like chicken, or asparagus. Sorry.

Me: Dad likes asparagus, you could give it to him.

Mom: I also got you blue tortilla chips... you like those right?

Me: Brother 2 likes those.

Monkey Butt

Cousin G: My grandpa gave me Anti-Monkey Butt Powder for my birthday!

She's 4... and my uncle really did give her anti-monkey butt powder. I'm not quite sure where he bought it from.

Back in the Middle Ages

Me: What are you wearing?

Brother 2: Chain mail gloves.

Me: Why??

Brother 2: I'm not quite sure.

One Thing I Learned Today

As I walked by the bathroom this morning, I learned that Brother 2 likes to whistle the Indiana Jones theme song in the shower.

Axe Body Wash

Brother 2: Here's the $20 for the iPod case I got.

Me: I think you owe me more than $20, you also got body wash.

Brother 2: See, I was thinking that you would buy the soap as a "I'm Glad My Brother Doesn't Smell Like Ass" present.

Me: Oh, really?

Brother 2: Yeah... I mean, you wouldn't want to be responsible for me smelling like ass.

Big Ass Bugs

Me: Ouch! How did you get that bruise on your knee?

Cousin G: A bumble bee pushed me down. It was really strong.

Pika-chu!

Brother 2:

Wouldn't it be funny if all inanimate objects talked like the characters in Pokemon?

Leather Couch: LEATHER LEATHER LEAAAAAAATHER Couuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch, Leather Couch, Leather Couch, LEATHER COOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUCH.

And then, the dry wall would get annoyed.

Dry Wall: DRY Wall. DRY Wall. DRYYYYYYYYYYYY WALL.

And then, all the remote controls would go crazy.

Remote Controls: remote, remote, remote, remoteremoteremote.

And clothing would talk too!!!

A guy would walk by, and you'd hear: WHITEY TIGHTIES!! white white white white white.

And a girl would walk by, and you'd hear:...................................

So you'd know you should go talk to her.

Oh Walgreens

Cousin J: Come on, come on, please, high five, please!!!!

The checkout guy at Walgreens gives him a high five.

Cousin J: Aw, yes! First one of the day!

Gross

My mom was telling us about this crazy news story.

Dad: Were they those new chocolate phones?

Hair Styles

One of my Dad's employees got his hair cut.

Dad: I think I'm going to call his hair cut a Rutabaga Fro. I think I might go downtown and ask the barber for one next week.

Po-Ta-To

Brother 1 on the phone from school: Is mom there?

Me: Nope.

Brother 1: What do you put in mashed potatos?

Me: Um.. potatos, butter, milk, salt, and pepper.

Brother 1: Really? That's it?

Eyes

My Dad has cataracts in his right eye, and a detached retina in his left.
He was looking at something really close up at work:

Dad: I can see it ok if I look through my eagle eye.

Me: Which one's that?

Dad: The right one, the left one is my parrot eye. It doesn't work as well.

Workout Plan

Dad: Did you have fun at the gym? What did you do? Run? Walk? Skip?

Me: Yeah... I skipped on the treadmill for an hour.

Dad: When I go to the gym, I skip on the treadmill and wave my arms in the air and yell obscenities like I have tourettes.

Become One With Nature

So we went to Buffalo Park, a state park in Illinois, that has these really cool land sculptures. Here's a picture of the water bug:



We had walked up the head of the frog when Brother 2 had something to say.

Brother 2: Do you think, if I sit here long enough, I'll become one with nature, and the grasshoppers will sit in my hair?

Secretarial Work

Phone rings at work.

Me: Gear & Repair.

Brother 1: Hi. Is Dad there?

Me: He's working on something, want me to go get him?

Brother 1: No, that's ok, just tell him that I called to say I had a meat-loaf sandwich for lunch today, on toasted bread, with mayonnaise.

Grounded For A Year

So, I'm laying on the couch, reading a book, minding my own business, when Brother 2 attacks. He runs at me, and sits on top of my chest.

Brother 2: Oh! Oh no!!! You're going to hate this!!!!

And then he farts.

In Loving Memory

The male members of the family are very upset today. If you haven't already heard, Steve Irwin, aka Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray.

Brother 1 is in mourning, and Brother 2 is trying to figure out a way to get him back.

Brother 2: I have a plan... what if we sacrifice all the stingrays in the world to God in exchange for Steve Irwin being brought back to life?

Greek

Brother 2: I'm going to knee you in the vaginal area.

Me: Ok, it won't be nearly as painful as me kneeing you in the ballsack.

Mom: Where did you come up with that word??

Brother 2: From Dad.

Dad: Yeah, my Greek name is Ballsackulous Miraculous.

Kinda Creepy

John can be considered family for a day, right?

Message on my voicemail (I wish there was a way I could forward it to my email):

John, speaking slowly, not singing:
Skidda marinky dinky dink.
Skidda marinky doo.
I love you.

Skidda marinky dinky dink.
Skidda marinky doo.
I love you.

I love you in the morning.
And in the afternoon.
I love you in the evening.
And underneith the moon.

Oh.

Skidda marinky dinky dink.
Skidda marinky doo.
I love you.

Presents

Dad: I got you a birthday present.

Me: Finally... you're a week overdue.

Dad pulls a penny out of his pocket and hands it to me.

Me: Is it lucky?

Dad: No.

Me: You're giving me an unlucky penny for my birthday?

Poison

Cousin J to Brother 2: You're so dumb. If you were a dog, I'd feed you chocolate.

Stuffed Animal Parade

Dad: We need to get these stuffed animals out of the garage. I was thinking about taking the rototiller to them, and shooting stuffing everywhere. Wouldn't that be fun?

Lucky

Mom: You're so lucky. You could have ended up with one of those evil moms who would beat you and lock you in the closet. You're lucky you ended up with me instead.

Correction

So my Dad read my blog, and had some minor corrections he wanted to make to his rap. He also added another verse about Louisiana, 'cause he saw this HBO special about how the Katrina victims were screwed by everyone, and are now being screwed by their insurance companies too. He says that if he can get M.C. Hammer to produce this song, he'll donate all the money he makes to the Katrina Fund.

He wrote it down for me so I wouldn't forget:

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Me: What did you get me for my birthday???

Brother 2: A wenis cleaner.

Me: What's a wenis??

Brother 2: You know, the skin underneath your elbow.

My Education Was A Waste

So, after 4 years at this fine institution, I'm home working full time for my dad's business while I search endlessly for a job in my field (photography... have any connections??)

I was moving giant gears around with one of these:

Dad: I think you were better at driving the fork truck before you went to college. Didn't they teach you anything there? After 4 years at college, you should be an expert fork truck driver.

Beef Jerky

Brother 2: The cup holders on this hot tub are nice, but what it really needs is a holder for my bag of beef jerky.

Insanely Strong

I look over, Brother 2 is hugging the TV.

Brother 2: Watch this, I'm going to pick it with my penis.

Rappers Delight

I was standing in the kitchen, when my Dad walked in, rapping:

"I was doing the Pajama-Wamma
In the slamma
In Alabama
With your grandma
And M.C. Hammaaaaaaa"

It's an original, he made it up at work.

Warts in your Mouth

Me: Aww! No! No! Stop! Get that our of your mouth!!!

Dad: Sorry, I didn't have a toothpick.


He was picking his teeth with the nail file attached to the toe nail clippers.

Check Mark

Voicemail on my phone from Brother 1:

Um... so I was just calling to ask if you knew where Check Mark was. There's this note here that says that Check Mark went to Brieanne's house, but he was supposed to be here playing video games with me. So, I guess if you see Check Mark, tell him we're looking for him.



-I left my mom a quick note when I left the house, "I went to Brieanne's. -V" I made the mistake not writing my whole name

Children Aren't Waterproof

My mom got a hot tub for her birthday. In the packaging, was a pamphlet on water safety. Here is the cover:

Breaking Out In Song

Brother 2: Isn't that ironic?

Brother 1: That isn't a word.

Brother 2: Irony? Yes it is.

I rony... I rony all night and day

I rony... I rony so far away

Dedicated To That Kid Down The Street

It poured yesterday in Chicago, we got so much rain that all the ditches flooded, and the creek was 3 feet deep instead of 1. So, of course, the brothers decided it was perfect weather to ride our bikes in.

Riding through a ditch in water up to our waists when topic turned to a neighbor friend, we'll call him Mike O.:

Brother 1: Be careful, you don't want to get VD.

Me: What?

Brother 1: VD, you know... VD, short for Venereal Disease, short for Vag Disease. And contrary to popular belief, penises can get it too. Like Mrs. O used to always say, "Don't play in the creek!!! You'll get VD!!!", Mike has to wear a condom when he plays in the creek.

Happy Birthday Mom!

It's my mom's 50th birthday today... look what her friends did to our house:

Nicknames

Brother 1: You don't want to be too skinny.

Cousin K: I like that look, really slim.

Me: Yeah, but you don't want to get so skinny that your head looks really big.

Brother 1: Yeah, like you did when you were dancing all the time in high school.

Me: What?

Brother 1: Yeah, that's why we used to call you Big Head. Now we just call you Big Ass.

Safety Dance

We're in the car, driving home, having a (somewhat) normal conversation, when all the boys stop midsentence.

Brother 1: I love this song!

And then they proceeded to dance and sing the entire Safety Dance song.

Heroin

Brother 2: Mom, I'm going to ride my bike to the bagel shop to get a bagel.

Mom: Are you sure that's where you're going? You're not going to do heroin are you?

Brad Pitt

I was telling my brother about John's experience at work the other day. (Ask him about it, it's a funny story)

Brother 1: If I ever meet anyone famous, I'm going to act like I have no clue who they are. Like if I ran into Brad Pitt, our conversation would go like this:

B1: Hi! So you say you're an actor? Have you done anything I would have seen?

Brad Pitt: Troy.

B1: Oh, I didn't see that one, it got really bad reviews. What were you, an extra?

Brad Pitt: No, I was the lead. Did you see Ocean's 11?

B1: Maybe... wait! That's the one with the old guy, the one the girls think is cute...

Brad Pitt: George Clooney?

B1: Yeah! I saw that one, he really carried that movie along. It would have been horrible without him. So, do you have a girlfriend?

Brad Pitt: Yeah, Angelina Jolie.

B1: Ehhh... Not recognizing the name....

Brad Pitt: She was in Tomb Raider.

B1: Oh yeah! She's so hot!! Jennifer Love Hewitt, right?

Brad Pitt: No... Angelina Jolie.

B1: No, no, that was definitely Jennifer Love Hewitt, she's a babe.

Knee Sex

Cousin K: Last time I was at the beach, I exfoliated my knees with the sand.

Brother 1: What? Does that turn you on? Ohhhhhh look at how smooth my knees are! I love it when my knees are smooth, sometimes I go upstairs, take off all my clothes, and sit on the couch rubbing my knees together. Ohhhhhhhhh yeahhh!!! Uh uh uh uh uh!!! Ahhhhhhh. (about 5 minutes of sex noises)

Brother 2: You're so gross.

Brother 1: Yeah, and then Mom comes upstairs and is like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Arm Surgery

Brother 1: You know how people with growth disorders get surgery, where they break their arms and legs to make them longer? Do you think we could find a doctor that could do that to me?

Me: Probably, if you pay him enough. Why?

Brother 1: 'Cause wouldn't it be awesome if my arms were really long? Then I'd be able to scratch my knees while I was standing up. And put sunscreen on the middle of my back.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: Or, I could cut off my left arm, I don't use it that much anyway, and transplant it onto my right arm, so it would be twice as long.

Me: And you could just fold it up along your joints when you didn't need it.

Brother 1: Exactly.

Giant Penis

We're all sitting around our gigantic sand hole, resting, when I look over at Brother 1 sitting in the sand. He has a giant sand penis coming out of the leg of his swim trunks. It reaches past his knees.

Brother 1: Whoa, that was getting claustrophobic, I'm glad I got all the sand off.