Izzack

We're digging a hole on the beach, it's probably about 5 feet deep. A boy, probably about 9 walks over.

Boy: What are you doing?

Brother 1: Digging a hole to China.

Boy: You can't dig to China.

Brother 1: Yes you can, we're going to do it. We're going to meet Santa on the way.

Boy: Santa doesn't exist.

Brother 1: Yes he does, and on the way, we're going to meet with the Easter Bunny, and cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunt, the Tooth Fairy too. What's your name?

Boy: Zack.

Brother 2: Did you say Izzack?

Zack: No, Zack.

Brother 2: Oh good, 'cause that would be weird, if your name was Izzack.

Zack: Can I help you guys dig?

New Pause Word

Brother 1: You say "like" too much.

Cousin K: I use it as a pause word, just like you say "um".

Brother 1: I think I'm going to start using "cunt" as my pause word. When I go to McDonalds, "I want a cheeseburger, cuuuuuuunt, a small fry, cuuuuuuuunt, a lemonade. Thanks!" This is going to be hard.

New Brains

Brother 2 got a concussion the other day falling off his skateboard.

Brother 2: My brain hurts so bad, I'm done with this one, I'm getting a new one. Maybe I could steal Cousin J's brain.

Me: Uh, I don't think that's allowed.

Brother 2: Then I'm going to steal a brain from a squirrel and spend the rest of my life harvesting nuts.

Apples

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Jail Time

On a rerun of CSI, one of the suspects was wearing spray pantyhose.

Dad: I want to spray that on my face and rob a bank

Convicts in the Fam

Brother 1: I got sent to jail today.

Me: What did you do?

Brother 1: Offensive language and harrassment.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: In Final Fantasy. Brother 2 and I don't take it seriously at all. So when some kid walked up to us w/ his girlfriend, I wrote that I smacked her ass. He didn't like that and went and got a whole army of monsters to come defend her honor. So the whole time, we're running away making fun of him. I said fuck a bunch of times, which comes up on the screen as ????. That probably alerted the game manager. So, all of a sudden, I was transported to this box, and this huge guy with tons of armor scolded me for being mean. It was kinda cool.

Tails

Me: You have really big feet, you kinda look like a monkey.

Brother 2: I wish I was a monkey, then I'd have a tail.

Brother 1: Yeah!! Tails are awesome, I wish I had one too. Then, if you were in Dragon Ball Z, you'd turn into a giant monster. Or, you could be a sloth, and lay in trees all day. Or, you could be a monkey and hang from your tail. And if you farted, you wouldn't have to wave it away with your hand, you could just wag your tail and get rid of it.

Turds

Me: I think you should make me an omelet with cheese and tomatoes.

Brother 1: How about, in exchange for your omelet, you stand downstairs, and I'll drop turds on you from the balcony. I think that sounds like a fair trade.

Not Quite Appropriate for Children

So today we had a garage sale. Towards the end, I was moving really old childrens books from one box to another, and found this in the bottom. It looks like a card from one of those children's matching games, or old maid.

Oreo Cookie Ice Cream is the Way to a Man's Heart

Arguing with a friend about how she isn't going to talk to this guy she has a crush on, and how Brother 1 wants to facebook him.

Brother 1: I'll leave him a message from you, and say that you have oreo cookie ice cream for him. That'll win any guy over.

Friend: No! We do not need to message him!

Brother 1: "Come home before it melts!!"

Velcro Gloves

Me: My back hurts, give me a back massage.

Brother 2: Ok. Just let me put on my velcro gloves. (I'm sunburned) xchxchxchxch (the sound a cat makes with a furball stuck in it's throat, or the sound of velcro scraping against sunburn)

Brother 2 keeps making that sound for about 5 minutes.

Brother 1: You should put some peroxide on those gloves.

Brother 2: Or some skin dissolving solvent.

Hillbillies

Dad: Next time we go to the beach, we're going to bring the wheelbarrow. Think of how great our sand castles would be, if we could use the wheelbarrow to dump water on them.

Brother 2: Yeah! And we could fill it up with sand and dump it in the water and make an island!

Mom: You are not bringing the wheelbarrow, you'll look like a bunch of hillbillies. We were getting enough weird looks with your shovels.

Brother 1: Well, we don't have to bring Mom, we could trade her for the wheel barrow.

Picture This

You're walking down the beach (Indiana Dunes to be exact) and you come across something strange. An old crazy looking guy has a shovel, not a beach shovel, but an industrial strength shovel, and he's digging a moat around a 6ft tall pile of sand. Out in the water, two teenage boys are digging a hole in the sand. Yes, digging a hole in the sand, underwater. They're making a pile of sand, trying to get the top of it out of the water, and it isn't quite working (the waves wash off the top each time). The older one lays down on the pile of sand in the water and yells, "I'm a beached whale! A beached whale... I mean, beached rhino!!"


Yesterday was beach day.

Dad's Reaction to the Motivation Video Idea

(read yesterday's post)

Dad: I feel like you'll accidentally get your scrotum stuck on the hook, and go bouncing across the yard on your head. I'm not sure how motivational that will be for my employees.

Motivational?

Brother 1: I'm going to hang a rope from the trees in the backyard and make a video, with me singing the Indian Jones theme song, and in slow motion, I'll rip off my shirt, throw it over the hook, and slide down over the house.

Dad: What are you going to do with the video?

Brother 1: We're going to play it on endless loop at work (my dad owns his own business, which both brothers work at), and it'll motivate everyone to work harder. 'Cause I mean, if I can do that, they can do anything.

I'm Confused... Legs?

Brother 2: Listen to what we're going to do! Brother 1 is going to cut off his legs at the upper thigh area, and give them to me. And in exchange, I'm going to live in his stomach and eat his fat.

Woman Overboard

Watching The Deadliest Catch with Brother 1.

Me: Do you think they hire girls to work on crab ships to cook and do laundry? I want to make $120 thousand in 3 months.

Brother 1: I think they hire girls to throw overboard to keep their death statistics up.

Bird Flu

Brother 1: How do you get bird flu?

Brother 2: Panthers.

Lemme See Your Grill

Somehow, the dinner conversation turned to gold teeth.

Cousin J (he sometimes comes to live with us for weeks at a time): I want to get emerald plated teeth.

Brother 2: Yeah! Then people would be like, "Uh, I think you have scurvy."

Cousin J: "It's just my grill."

Brother 1: I want wood plated teeth.

Dad: Yeah, like wood paneling!

Brother 1 (to Cousin J): We could get your brother to do it! He could open up a shop for wood paneling teeth! (Cousin J's brother is a carpentry apprentice)

Cancer Fresca

I'm going to start this by saying, if you have cancer or AIDS, don't be offended... My family is just weird.

I take a Fresca from the cooler on the deck.

Brother 1: NO!!!! Don't drink that one! It has cancer!

Me: What? (thoroughly confused and a little nervous)

Brother 1: There are some Fresca's that have cancer, and other ones that have AIDS, you have to be careful which ones you drink.

Me: You're not serious.

Brother 1: No, really, that one has cancer.

Me: How can I tell which ones are ok?

Brother 1: You can't, only Cousin J and I are able to tell which ones have cancer and which ones have AIDS. We can also tell which ones are the cancer dissolving Frescas. We haven't found an AIDS dissolving Fresca yet, so don't drink the Fresca in the basement, you'll get AIDS and we won't be able to cure you.

I choose another Fresca from the cooler.

Me: So, what about this one? Is this one ok to drink?

Brother 1: Yeah, that one's fine, don't worry.

More Star Wars

Throughout the movie, my father keeps interjecting.

Dad: When does John Travolta come on?

Me: He's not in this movie.

Dad: Are you sure, I thought he was, he shoots people up. Aw yes! John Travolta! I told you.

G: That's Anakin Skywalker!!

Dad: Oh, but John Travolta has long hair and shoots people up too...

Cousin H: I think you're thinking of Pulp Fiction... this is Star Wars.

Dad: Oh... right... that makes sense.

3 Year Old Crushes on Anikin

Looking through the cabinet with Cousin H's baby (age 3), this blond haired, blue eyed, adorable monster, we'll call her G.

G: Toy Story!!!

Me: Yeah, that's a good movie.

G: Ahhh! Look! Star Wars!!!!!!!!!!

Me: You like Star Wars?

G: Yeah! This is the one where Anikin Skywalker goes to the darkside and gets burned by the lava and his arms get cracked off, and he has to made into a robot and becomes Darth Vader.

Me: Oh. Want to watch it?



Throughout the whole movie... remember, this is coming from the mouth of the cutest little girl ever.

G: Whoa! He got his arm chopped off! I like this part, they fight.

After a While Crocodile!

Uncle K: See you later alligator!

Cousin H's baby (she's 3): See you later one legged donut head!

I Wish We Knew Sign Language...

One of my cousins is deaf, so sometimes it's hard to communicate. He reads lips really well, and whatever he can't get, we can reword or finger spell.

Cousin: Where is Brother 2?

Brother 1: Playing with the remote control car.

Cousin: What?

Brother 1: Playing with the remote control car.

Cousin: What?

Brother 1: Beating himself off.

Cousin bursts out laughing.

He understood the last time.

I'm Not Sure I Like Pears Anymore...

Downstairs reading when this conversation catches my attention.

Brother 1: And we'll lock Cousin J in the closet with a dead fish, a pear, and a paddle. And when we close the door, the light will go out, the pear will beat Cousin J with the paddle. Then, when the light turns back on, the pear will be laying there on the floor with the paddle and the dead fish. No one will see it move.

Me: What are you guys talking about?

Brother 1: We're thinking of ways to torture Cousin J... that was our best plan.




5 minutes later...

Brother 1: Sometime, you bite into a pear and it's really hard and it tastes like asshole.

Cousin J: Exactly.

Brother 1: And sometimes, you bite into a pear and it's really soft and it tastes like...

Cousin J: A baby.

Brother 1: Yeah, I guess.

New Names

So I mentioned that my Dad likes to make up new names for himself, he doesn't like his name, so he's always looking for something new.

His name for the vacation is Pelican Dishwasher.