Mount Everest Continued...

Dad: You know, they leave dead people up on Mount Everest because it takes too much effort to bring them down. I think it'll be impossible for your kids or grandkids to drag your dead body up to the top.

Brother 1: Ok, then I want my body cremated. But just my body. At the wake, they can have an open casket with just my head sitting there, and then, they can shrink my head, put it on a stick, and use it as a walking stick to get up Mount Everest. That'll be even better. Every climber to make it to the top will be greated by my shrunken head.

Extreme Christmas Presents

Brother 1: Honestly, if Mom were to say to me tomorrow, “We’re going to kill Brother 2, but we’ll have to sell all your Christmas presents to cover funeral costs.” I’d be all for that.

Box

Brother 1 (opening presents): Wow, this box is heavy. What's in it?

Brother 2: A dead rat.

Cows

Brother 2: Stop stepping on my feet!

Brother 1: I wouldn't be stepping on your feet if they weren't streched out under the table. My baby cows are flat up against the booth, I'm not stepping on you on purpose.

Me: Baby cows?

Brother 1: Yeah, baby cows, my calves.

Gravity

Cousin J: Gravity. What is it doing here??

Pick Ups

We’re eating dinner at California Pizza Kitchen, and our cute waitress is flirting with Brother 1. When the check comes, this is the message he leaves on the top of the credit card sheet:

(His phone number) Call me if you want your pen cap back.

Me: Did you really steal her pen cap?

Brother 1: Yeah, and this steak knife.

Merry Christmas!

Mom: You know what I really want to do?

Brother 1: What?

Mom: We should go out, and steal hundreds of baby Jesus' from the nativity scenes.

Brother 1: Ok.

Mom: And then, we'll go downtown, and let them all go in the Chicago River. Could you imagine that? Hundreds of baby Jesus' floating down the Chicago River.

Brother 1: That would be great.

Will

Brother 1: In my will, i'm going to specify that in order for my kids to to get their inheritence from me, they have to throw me off the top of Mount Everest. But the catch is, I can't be cremated. They have to carry my dead body all the way up Mount Eversest. Then, if they survive, they can get my money.

More Presents

Dad: I know what I can get you for Christmas!!

Me: What?

Dad: A bowl of oatmeal!

Food

Dad steals a carrot from my lunch bag.

Dad: Whoa... these are some god awful Cheetos!

Christmas

Brother 2 let out the loudest, grossest fart in the kitchen.

Mom: You know what? You're not getting a Christmas. Nope, don't argue, you don't get a Christmas.

Cake

Brother 1: Pound...cake is cake that you have sex with. Before you can eat it, you have to pound it.

Drunk

Grandma: Happy Birthday!

Brother 1: I'm 21, want to get drunk?

Happy Birthday

Mom: Now that you're 21, you're supposed to be mature.

Brother 1: This morning, when I told Dad I got a chocolate fountain, he asked me if he could bathe in it. You expect me to be mature when my 53 year old father is asking me if he can bathe in my chocolate fountain?

Calendars

So, every year, we receive tons of calendars at work. Beautiful scenery ones that advertise a company at the bottom.

Dad: More scenery??? Why doesn't anyone send out the naked calendars anymore??

Football Teams

Dad: I think Chicago needs a second football team. We can call them the Chicago Hares, and their mascot can be a giant rabbit with red eyes and sharp teeth.

Bubble Bath

Dad: I really like your shampoo.

Me: Is that why I'm almost out??

Dad: Yep. I'm going to start using your body wash too.

Mom: You should try the lavender body wash in there.

Me: Uh... the lavender stuff is bubble bath.

Mom: No! I've been using that for the last month!

Me: I was wondering why it was in the shower and not the bath.


She went and checked the label, it was bubble bath.

What A Wonderful Present

Dad: I'm growing a beard, that's my christmas present to all of you.

DNA

Dad: Toad girl!

Me: I am not a toad.

Dad: Yes you are, you're related to me! That means you have toad blood running through your veins.

Me: How did we get toad blood in our veins?

Dad: We had some kinky ancestors.

Productive

Brother 2: I'm going upstairs to play videogames and sniff crack off of a knife blade.

Mom doesn't even look up.

We Got Magnetic Poetry!

Poem of the Day:

Brother 2's butt is like
a thousand smooth incubated fiddles
producing an elaborate summer symphony
that urges friends to whisper delicate music into the rainforest

Arms (again?)

Me: I'm going to fight you.

Brother 2: How? You don't have arms!

Renaming the Insurance Guys

So, my Grandpa is in an assisted living home, 'cause he has alzheimers, diabetes, and arthritis that make it too difficult to live on his own. Last week, his scooter broke, which means he can't get down to the cafeteria to eat, and if he can't eat, his blood sugar drops, making his alzheimers worse. Then, he forgets things, like how he can't walk, or the number to call to ask the nurses to bring him breakfast.

Dad is pretty good at terrorizing the crappy insurance people though, so I think he'll be ok.

Dad (on the phone to insurance people): I could just stop by today and pick up a new battery for the scooter. That would be quicker than waiting for you guys to come fix it.

Insurance Guy: We're located in Salt Lake City.

Dad: You're in Salt Lake City? How the hell are you suppossed to help all the way out there?

Insurance Guy: Actually, we do a lot out here, I can call the Chicago branch and set up an appointment to come out.

Dad: Just give me the number.


2nd convo:::

Dad: I need you guys to come out today.

Insurance Guy 2: It usually takes 3-5 days for a technician to be available.

Dad: Ok, so then, when my Dad starves to death because he can't get downstairs to eat, I can blame you for that? What was your name again?


3rd convo (now trying to reach some woman named Donna, 5th try that day):::

Insurance Guy 3: Donna is still out to lunch.

Dad: Donna's been at lunch for 2 hours. Are you sure she even exists?

Insurance Guy 3: She should be back within the next half hour.

Dad: You guys might want to evaluate her work ethic though. She didn't come to work today until after 9:30, and then she's taken a 2 hour lunch. Yesterday she left before 5 o'clock too.


-----

Dad (to me): I figured out why insurance sucks so much in America.

Me: Really?

Dad: Yeah. Everyone I've talked to have names like Kyyyyyyyle, and Briiiiiian, and Tyyyyyyler. Total wuss names, of course they can't help.

Tramp Stamp

Me: I want to get a tatoo.

Brother 1: Just don't get a tramp stamp!

Me: What is a tramp stamp?

Brother 1: You know, the tatoo on the lower back that works as a bulls-eye in the bars. You scan for the lower back tatoo, and when you find one, you know that girl will be easy.

Tail?

Brother 2 triped up the stairs with a glass of orange juice in his hand. He almost spilled all over the carpet.

Brother 2: Wow, that was close. Good thing my tail helped me balance.

Ouch

Me: I have a headache.

Dad: I'm not suprised. Last night, I snuck into your room and hit you in the head with a ball peen hammer.

Porn

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Glasses?

Mom: Your glasses are outside on the ledge, I used them as safety glasses this afternoon.

Brother 2: What glasses? My seeing goggles?? I'll go get them.

Brother 2 comes back inside carrying a stylish small pair of eye glasses.

Dentist

Dad: I have a dentist appointment today. I'm going to eat a bunch of chocolate cookies before I go so my teeth are all brown.

Dora the Explorer

Brother 2: I like to color.

Me: I have a Dora the Explorer coloring book if you want to use it.

Brother 2: No thanks, Dora is a whore.

Chameleon

I kinda tore up my feet tap dancing the other day, and Dad was yelling at me about it.

Me: I didn't realize how bad it was, they didn't really hurt. I thought I was just getting a blister, and then I took off my shoe and the tip of my toe was gone.

Dad: You know, you're not a chameleon, you can't grow back toes.

Brains

Making a new screen name for Mom so she can play online poker.

Me: That name is already in use... we could try adding numbers to it, how about 810?

Mom: Why 810?

Me: Uh... 'cause that's your birthday? August 10th?

Mom: Sometimes I think my brain doesn't work anymore.