When we were moving Grandpa Gorgo from the assisted living home to the nursing home, Cousin J came with and got an awesome old person hat and coat out of the deal.
Brother 2: Why aren't you wearing your coat and hat?
Cousin J: My mom won't let me in the summer...
Brother 1 and I are making salsa. I put him in charge of cutting onions.
Brother 1: Why is it so sad over here?
Brother 1 found Grandpa Gorgo's metal detector in the garage.
Brother 2 kept waving it over my back, setting off the beeping from the metal in my bra strap.
Brother 2: What is wrong with you?
Brother 2 waves it over the floor.
Brother 2: THERE'S BURIED TREASURE EVERYWHERE!!!!
Me: I need to call Cousin H.
Mom: To ask her about Match.com?
Me: No... to tell her what day I can come visit. Match.com is different for people my age... when you're 30, you have hot divorcées to look through, when you're 22, you have crazy people who are desperate.
Brother 1: Mom told me I have to join Match.com, because without a girlfriend I'm less of a man. Her exact words.
Mom (to Dad): I bet you can't be quiet for an hour!
1 hour and 15 minutes later...
Mom: So, towards the end of that hour, I was thinking that I kinda missed your voice, but I was wrong. I think you need to be quiet for another hour.
Dad: Nope! Now it's time to be silly.
Brother 1: You know how some letters are silent?
Me: Yes.
Brother 1: I'm going to name one of my kids Oey, but pronounce it Joey, and just tell him that the J is invisible. Then, when he's in school, everyone will call him Oey, and he'll have to correct them, "No, its Jjjjjjoey, the J is invisible."
Me: Nice.
Brother 1: I had the most disgusting fart of my life today. Do you want to hear about it?
Me: No.
Brother 1: It was awful. It sounded like a machine gun shooting a duck. BABABABABABABABABABABABABABA UACK!!!
Brother 1: Waves are pretty crazy, sometimes they're a nice way to say hello, and other times, they're wet and try to drown you.
Brother 1: See this scar on my stomach? It's from Uncle M. He burned me with his cigarette.
Brother 2: Really?
Me: Well, he was little, and Uncle M turned and accidentally hit him with it.
Brother 1: That is not how it happened! He yelled, "I'll teach you not to act like such a brat!!" and held the cigarette on my stomach. I gave him this really serious look, refusing to show any pain. That's how it really happened.
Me: We were at the zoo.
We went to the Wisconsin Dell's for Mom's birthday. On the car ride up there, we compiled a list of family rules/safety guidelines.
1. Do not brush your teeth with bleach.
2. Do not bathe in acetone.
3. It is perfectly acceptable to run with scissors, as long as they are pointed away from you.
4. The three second rule applies to all foods and all surfaces, including Popsicles and mud.
5. Do not sled down the stairs in a cardboard box.
6. Slip 'n Slide's are not designed for feet first sliding.
7. There are no family rules.
8. Be careful around couches, they can attack.
9. If you fart in the car you owe the driver $1.
10. You can only be mean to your grandma if she is the devil.
11. It is acceptable to sing lyrics in a song after the occur.
12. Only fart in a bowl of brownies and hold them in someone's face if you want to induce vomitting.
13. If your head is under a blanket, don't fart, unless there is someone else under the blanket with you. Then you just need to hold your breath.
14. Albanian waitresses do not appreciate weird tricks you can do with your eyes and fingers. If you are trying to pick one up, leave these out of the conversation.
15. Intense situations call for the showing of ass cleavage. It is the only way to show true emotion.
Brother 1: When Josh arrives, I'm going to attack him in his sleep! Elbow drop him! I'm going to have to sneak really quietly... Oh wait! He's deaf so I'll be able to yell!!! "Josh I'm going to elbow drop you now!!!" Oh, but he has a wife.
Me: Sunny's deaf too...
Brother 1: Oh yeah!!! They won't know what hit them!
Brother 1: I hate that flood light.
Dad: That's my light of a thousand suns, it was made by the ancient Greeks.
Brother 1: The Greeks didn't make shit.
Dad: They made the pyramids.
Me: Uh... that was the Egyptians.
Dad: Well, they conquered the Egyptians and took their pyramids.
Brother 1: No they didn't. They danced around in their skirts and wrote poetry.
Brother 1: Why are you so mean to me?
Me: I'm not mean to you. What did I do?
Brother 1: You're constantly like, "Farty toot fart head!" It's not nice.
Brother 2's GF was wearing capri pants.
Brother 1: Why are you wearing midget pants. It's kinda crazy that midget pants fit you so well.
Me: Uh, they're called capri's. They're like pants, cut off at the knee to make them more comfortable in the summer.
Brother 1: Then why do they have such a nice hem?? Because they're midget pants.
We're down at the dock, hanging out.
Brother 2: WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!?!?!
href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWd8kZCOPGOV0rOTrEEfKZuYqDsVQKidDhp27E1cFThNxUNmsuileKW6lGszFve28qt2qRcGE3k5xlQVh7lG4CbBAAyXRLsqsYc-SK9fK7HcTznfdWhI0yMmDfjnvSgnmv2dY6Eg/s1600-h/IMG_0012.JPG">
Yep, he speared a fish.
Me: Brother 1 has 55% of the votes. Dad, you only have 13%.
Dad: Who are these people voting?
Me: I don't know, people who read my blog.
Dad: So they could be lowlife scum? I don't want lowlife scum voting for me!
