Summary of the Weekend

Brother 1 and Cousin J

Renting

Me: Dad, can I borrow your truck tomorrow night?

Dad: I guess... or better yet, you can rent my truck!

Sleep

R: Don't go to sleep!

Brother 1: I'm not going to go to sleep... I'm going to go to bed.

Deaf

During an intense game of Cranium, Brie picks a humdinger card, where you have to hum a song and have the other team member guess it.

Brie: Aw, a humdinger, we can't do this one 'cause Josh is deaf.

Mom smacks Josh in the arm to get his attention.

Mom: You're deaf?!?!

Josh rolls his eyes, and Mom starts giggling uncontrollably.

Wine

Me: I bought these bottles of wine based on the labels, so don't blame me if they're bad.

Dad: Ok. Do I want wine made out of old Chevy's, wine made of kangaroos, or wine made of giraffes?

Fat

Brother 2 has this crazy metabolism, where he can eat anything he wants and not gain a pound.

Brother 1: I'm going to spend all my money on making you fat.

Brother 2: I'll never be fat, I don't eat condiments.

Me: What?

Brother 2: I don't eat condiments, that's what makes you fat.

Me: Eating ketchup and mustard makes you fat?!?

Brother 2: Yeah, that's why I don't eat them.

Maracas

Brother 1: If I get Parkinson's Disease, I'm going to start a band and become a famous maracist. Everyone would be like, "he keeps a good beat."

Enterprising

Brother 1: I'm going to buy lots of Goldshlauger, filter out the gold, put it in little vials and sell if for $8 at Yellowstone.

Love

Brother 1: On vacation we discussed how much better it would be if you weren't around. Like if Mom and Dad had given you up for adoption and just waited for us to come.

Mom: That's not true!

Brother 1: Uh, I'm not the one who said it, I'm just repeating what I heard.

Stabbing

Brother 1: That sends a chill down my spine. Similar to being speared in the eye by a porcupine needle dipped in bleach.

Coke Zero

Brother 1 (looking like a lightbulb just went off in his head): You know how Coke Zero has nothing in it? Just artificial flavors and a little salt??

Me: Yeah...

Brother 1: BUDDY COULD HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Do you think he'd like it?

Brother 1: YES! HE WOULD LOVE IT! You can't give it to him though, he already loves you too much.

Snakes

Brother 1: Remember when that snake bit you because it knew you were evil?

Lumberjack

Brother 1 and I were sitting in the living room while Brother 2 took is usual 45 minute long shower. The entire time he was singing the "I'm a lumberjack and I don't care" song.

Presents

Me: Did you bring me anything back?

Brother 1: Yes. We put a fresh buffalo pie in a ziplock. It's kinda gross though, it steamed up the bag.

Farting

Brother 2: You should have heard it, when we were driving to the airport, I farted right as we went over those warning bumps!

Brother 1: Yeah! And I farted when we were waiting for Old Faithful to blow up, when everyone got really quiet in anticipation.

Brother 2: We had some really well timed farts on this vacation.

Nice

Mom: Your brothers really missed you on vacation.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yeah, they had no one to pick on.

Monkeys

I received this picture on my cell phone yesterday. That's brother 2 scaling some kind of rock.

Underwear

Mom: Did you bring the new green underwear (read: whitey tighties) I bought you?

Dad: No. They make me look like Robin Hood.

Condoms

Mom: Did the boys tell you about the first hotel we stayed in?

Me: Nope.

Mom: We got to the first room, and the air conditioning wasn't working, so we went down to the front desk and got put in a new room. Then we went up to that room, and the air still wasn't working very well, so the boys opened the sliding door to the balcony thing, and there was a used prophylactic on the balcony!!

Me: Gross.

Mom: We did not stay in that hotel!

Marriage

Brother 1: Why aren't you married??

Me: Uh, I think having a boyfriend would be the first step towards that goal.

Brother 1: All three of the Hanson brothers are married, and the youngest is only 21!

Me: That's what I aspire to, being like Hanson.

Brother 1: Rich thought they were really hot, then he found out they were boys.