I made my awesome turtle a new tank, and bought Brother 2 this book in exchage for his help. He's not a very good helper.
Me: You need to help me figure out how to make a ramp.
Brother 2 (whining): I've already helped you.
Me: Yeah, by cutting all my pvc pipe crooked. I just wish you weren't so pissy.
Dad: Oooooo... PissAY. You're being so pissAY.
Brother 2 is learning to drive.
Brother 2: Where am I going?
Me: You want to get to Joliet Road.
Brother 2: Which one is Joliet Road?
Me: The one Target is on.
Brother 2: So, I want to go left.
Me: No. You want to go right.
Brother 2: Oh! That Target! You mean Route 66.
Me: Uh... yeah, Joliet Road is the beginning of Route 66... but, no one calls it that.
Dad's vision is all messed up, since only one eye has been fixed.
Dad: What are you laughing at??
Me: You. Holding that paper so close to your face.
Dad: Biiioootch!!! My fucking eyes are going to be fucking eagle eyes!!!
Since only one of Dad's eyes has been fixed, he can't wear his normal glasses anymore. But, since metal chips fly out of machines at work, he has to wear his safety glasses at all times. Yesterday, he was talking about creating a trend, and making safety glasses a fashion item. Today, he had commercial ideas.
Dad: I love my safety glasses. They make me look so cool. All my fraternity brothers are wearing them too.
I even wear them at night, just in case a pack of raccoons tries to scratch out my eyes.
And I always wear them in the shower, just in case needles start coming out of the shower head.
And they're especially important to wear on ladders. They protect you from low flying birds and bats. You don't want bat saliva to get in your eye and infect you with rabies.
Dad: I think I'm going to become a holistic singer, where I heal people through my songs.
He then proceeds to sing the entire James Bond Goldfinger theme.
Me: Dad, it's only 2 days till my half birthday! Did you get me a half birthday present?
Dad: I didn't get you a birthday or Christmas present... what makes you think I'd get you a half birthday present?
Brieanne was drunk and became an honorary member of the family.
Brieanne: If you have sex, you should do it on the top bunk of a bunk bed, so you can put your feet on the ceiling.
20 minutes later, Brieanne is drinking a rootbeer/cherry coke/rum/malibu, with a half peeled orange floating in it.
Me: You have snot hanging out of your nose.
Dad: Ahhhh!!! Get it off!!!! It's in my beard, now my soup is going to taste like boogers!!
Me: You can sit next to me, but if you fart, you're being sent to the kitchen.
Dad: I guess.
Brother 2: I'm going to fart on you.
Dad: We should both sit on either side of her and fart. Create a fart sandwich!!
Me: There's this new song, where this guys is singing about how there's an ice box where his heart used to be.
Dad: Whoa! That's like you!
Brother 2: My ears are freezing, like ice cubes.
Me: It's cold outside.
Brother 2: Do you think I could get cosmetic surgery to remove my ears? So I just had 2 holes in the sides of my head?
Me: If you really wanted to...
(About 5 Minutes Later)
Brother 2: I'm going to get my ear pierced, and put a giant gold hoop in it.
Me: Aren't you having your ears removed?
Brother 2: Oh yeah, that's right. I'll have to have them pierce the side of my head instead, right below where my ear should be.
So, after this incident, Dad wouldn't let the Spice Girl issue go. I feel like all we talked about, for the entire day, was the Spice Girls.
Dad: I'm going to start a new show, "The Spicettes", Presented by Andre Tarpoline! Featuring:
Scary Pumpkin Spice
Lunatic Lesbian Spice
Gastric Bypass Spice
Pumpernickle Spice
Gross Disgusting Smelly Spice
Pajama Polecat Spice
Baby Vomit Spice
Psychotic Posh Spice
Dad: This is just regular White Hen coffee right?
Me: No, I got you pumpkin spice this time.
Dad: That's one of my favorites! Pumpkin Spice is one of the Spice Girls, right? Why aren't they still popular? I really liked them.
Me: Well, Posh Spice is married to that soccer player.
Dad: I don't watch that kinda football. What about Scary Spice? Scary Pumpkin Spice!
Dad: Life's a bitch, and then you die. But life is better if you spend most of it being really, really silly.
Dad: I thought you were going to steal my comfy chair.
Me: I was, but it smelled like farts.
Dad: Oh yeah. I was going to warn you. I was farting over there.
Brother 2 walks out of the bathroom in a towel.
Brother 1's friend: You look like Gollum.
Brother 1: My precious.
Brother 1 (driving my car): Do you know what this button does?
Me: Yep. It turns on my emergency flashers.
Brother 1: No, that's not what it does.
Me: Uh, yeah, that definitely turns on my emergency lights.
Brother 1: Nope, it's your turbo charger button.
Me: I don't have a turbo charger.
Brother 1: Yes you do.
He then turns on the emergency lights, hits the gas, and pushes himself back into the driver's seat.
I'm listening to my voicemail after a missed call from Brother 1.
Brother 1:
Heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy. So. When someone tells you that the Colts are going to win the Superbowl, here's what you do. Put your fingers in your ears, and sing....
La la la la la
la la la la la
la la la la la
la la la la la
do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do
he sung me the entire techno remix of All Around The World by ATC
This message was not only left on my voicemail, but also Brother 2's voicemail, and our home phone answering machine. When Mom heard it, her response was, "Is he drunk?"
