Cold

Me: My feet are freezing.

Dad: That's because you have a black heart that pumps ice cold blood to your extremities.

In School Suspension

Cousin J: I've only been sent to in-school suspension twice. Once for wearing that dead guy's hat, and once for doing action rolls in biology class.

Wonderball

Brother 2: Who knows what suprises a Wonderball may hide??
Yummy Nestle chocolate with candy shapes inside.



Cousin J: They've had the same suprises since 1995.

Yum

Dad: If this turkey sandwich wasn't so good, I'd throw it at your head.

Jazz

Cousin J: Turn on 95.5.

Smooth jazz is blasting in my car.

Cousin J: You need to move really slow and small, or you're not dancing correctly to jazz.

Cleats

Cousin J: I think I should start wearing cleats all the time.

They Will Be Famous

Cousin J: When we start a band, with you playing the didgeridoo and the triangle, and me playing the harp, I think we should wear parachute pants.

Superbowl Shuffle

Me: I told you, before the season even started, that the Bears were going to the Superbowl. And you didn't believe me!

Brother 1: It doesn't count when you say that every year.

Me: I was right this year.

Brother 1: It doesn't count when you were wrong the past 5 years!

Me: We're still going to the Superbowl.

Brother 1: Yeah, we are!

Go Bears!!!

We redecorated our living room. We're hoping it will send good vibes to Soldier Field today. You might think that these are just decorations for our Annual Championship Party, but you'd be wrong, it's permanent.

Music

Cousin J: I wouldn't want to play the saxophone. I would like to learn how to play the harp though.

Freak Accidents

We have a golden retriever, named Buddy, who's afraid of storms, scary movies, and the sound a didgeridoo makes. Brother 2 was playing the didgeridoo in the living room, and Buddy was jumping around barking at him.

Me: Stop freaking out the dog.

Brother 2: You know, Buddy used to be a concert didgeridoo player.

Me: Really? Then why is he afraid of it?

Brother 2: Well, ever since that freak didgeridoo accident, he hasn't been able to handle the sound of it.

Me: What happened during the freak didgeridoo accident?

Brother 2: It's too traumatizing, I can't discuss it.

Feet

Brother 1: Mom's got leprechaun feet.

Comfort

Brother 2 jumps on top of me.

Me: Get off!

Brother 2: What? Are you uncomfortable??

Me: Yes, you have your knee digging into my toe that has metal pins in it. Yes, that's uncomfortable.

Brother 2: Just wait, tonight, I'm going to get a huge sheet, with those pull ties on it, and put it on your bed. Then, when you're asleep, I'm going to close it up, with you and your blankets inside. You'll see what uncomfortable is when I drag you down the hallway.

Me: Ok.

Brother 2: Then, I'm going to drag you outside in the freezing cold and dump cold water on you. No, wait, make it warm water, so you're comfortable for a couple seconds, then, you'll turn into an ice cube.

Willy Wonka

Brother 1: I wish I was an oompa loompa.

Boobs

Dad had juice from his fajita dripping down his shirt. Mom hands him a napkin.

Mom: You're dripping. Right there, on your man breast.

Shaligator

Brother 1: That shaligator I made in high school is awesome.

Brother 1's friend: Yeah, it is pretty cool. I thought you were going to make a gark though.

Brother 1: I thought about it, but decided on the shaligator in the end.

Exploding Pants

Brother 1: Brother 2 and I are going to invent exploding pants.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: Yeah, we're going to drench them in pesticides, and then, when you lit a match near them, they will explode.

Me: But then your legs would explode too.

Brother 1: It's ok, we're only going to sell them to people in New Zealand.

Sex (Part 2)

Brother 1 is still fixated on this bet.

Brother 1: You know, if you die, and I still haven't been nice for a whole day, I'm going to try really hard to win the bet. Then, I'm going to dig up your body and have sex with it.

My Friend: That's disgusting.

Brother 1: Well, I want you to be able to rest peacefully. That's what's going to need to be done for your soul to be content.

Bathroom Fun

This post is in honor of John, as he likes poop. (Remember to vote for both of us in the Bloggies!)

Brother 2 comes running up to the bathroom door.

Brother 2: When are you going to be done??? I really need to poop!!!

Me: Ha! That's what I'm doing too!

Brother 2: Girls don't poop. Dad's taking a shower in the other bathroom! Come on!!

I could hear him dancing around in the hallway. He runs down the hall.

Brother 2: Dad! Get out of the shower! I need to poop.

Dad: Use the other bathroom!

Brother 2: Vanessa's in there!

Dad gets out of the shower, 'cause he too can hear Brother 2 dancing around.

Dad: Wow, this is fun! It's a Craptacular Extraveganza!! Everyone in the house is pooping at the exact same time!!!

2007 Bloggies

Vote for us!! You only have 2 days!!!

Brother 2: Tell them to vote for us or I'll send Brother 1 on a raging rhino rampage to come break down their doors.

Sex

One of my friends made a bet with Brother 1. If he can be nice, and not say one mean thing, for an entire 24 hours, she'll sleep with him. She know's it's impossible.

Brother 1: I was nice the whole day!

Brother 1's friend: No. You weren't.

Brother 1: Doesn't being nice to myself count?

My Friend: No. You need to be nice to everyone for the entire day.

Brother 1: Oh... that's too hard.

People First Language

My friend was trying to explain to Brother 1 what "People First Language" is (ex. it's correct to say a child with autism, not an autistic child).

Brother 1: Ok, I get it. 'Cause the child has autism, you say "a child with autism". You wouldn't say autistic child, 'cause that would mean that the autism has child disease.

Deaf

Brother 1: Cars don't speak sign language!

Made Up Words

Me: You should go see an opthamologist.

Brother 1: Did you make that word up?

Me: No, an opthamologist is an eye doctor.

Brother 1: No... I think you made it up. Like Norwegian. That's a made up word.

Me: A person from Norway?

Brother 1: Norwege is not a country.

Wow

Brother 2: You're leaving!?!?

Brother 1: Yeah. Why? You want me to stay?

Brother 2: Well, yeah! What do you expect me to do all night? Beat it to Final Fantasy??

Assult

Dad: I'm going to punch you right in the jaw.

Me: I'll have you arrested for child abuse.

Dad: Won't work.

Me: How about assult?

Dad: Nope. The police will just pat me on the back and say, "Nice child rearing"

Happy New Year!

We threw a party last night, so that the boys could watch the Bears game. It got a little out of control.

Mom walks outside at 6am, Brother 1 and three of his friends are in the hot tub. She can't see their heads. There is foam two feet high, spilling over the edge. Someone decided that they needed bubbles, and Brother 1 dumped half a bottle of dawn dish soap into the hot tub. Great idea.