Ouch

Brother 2 (threatening me): I'm going to sell your kidney on EBay!

Answering Services

I'm calling Brother 1, he picks up, I recognize his voice...

Brother 1: I'm sorry, no one is available to take your call, please leave a message after the tone. BEEEEEEEP.

Me: Hi.

Brother 1: Hi.

Super El Diablo

Ok, some back story on this one: First, Brother 1 wanted to trade cars with me this semester 'cause he had a crazy psycho trying to attack him. Second, all our family cars have names:
Brother 1's red truck: El Diablo
Dad's green truck: The Green Monster
Mom's black van: Black Sable.

Me: You should be really happy I didn't want to pay twice as much money for gas.

Brother 1: Why?

Me: 'Cause then I would have switched cars with you, and El Diablo would have been melted to the driveway instead of my Honda.

Brother 1: Nah... El Diablo would have saved the day. He would have smelled smoke, opened the garage door, pulled The Green Monster to safety, and put out Black Sable. If you had traded cars with me, the house would be perfectly fine.

Stories

Brother 2: So, you broke up with that guy from South Africa?

Me: What? You mean the guy that went on vacation to South Africa?

Brother 2: Yeah. Dad said you dumped him.

Me: No, we're still dating...

Mom: Your father wants you to tell him what's going on in your life so he can stop making up stories.

Me: See, I'm just getting used to telling you guys stuff. I didn't before because you would make fun of me.

Dad: Well, you need to start telling me what's going on in your life so I can start making fun of you again.

Real Simple

Mom picked up our mail from the post office the other day and her Real Simple magazine in the mail. The cover story was "10 Ways to Declutter your Home".

Mom: Number 1, burn your house to the ground.