Tomato

Cousin J to Brother 2: Would you please stop buttering my tomato?

Trendsetters

Dad: You need to wear your safety glass at all times in the shop. You need to follow the trends set by the trend setter. The European trend setter.

Me: You're not European.

Dad: I could be!

Fork

Dad: You didn't eat my coleslaw.

Me: I don't like coleslaw.

Dad: Would you like a fork in your neck?

Me: No...

Dad: I just though, that someone who doesn't like coleslaw would be the type of person to like a fork in their neck.

What?

Dad: Did you see the picture of Ron Jeremy I found for Grandma?

Bears

Yesterday was the championship party.

Me: You would think with all the Bears shirts and decorations, they were playing today or something.

Brother 1: We are still rooting for the Bears. You know what's going to happen in the Superbowl, right?

Me: What?

Brother 1: The game will be tied 0-0, it will go into 7 over times, and the Bears will be declared the winners.

Me: Oh, ok.

Motorcycles

Brother 1: Mom and I are getting our motorcycle licenses. We're going to ride across country.

Me: Is Dad getting his too?

Brother 1: Nope. He's going to ride on the back of Mom's.

Spock

Brother 1: Who's William Shatner?

Me: Dr. Spock.

Brother 1: He's my favorite person.

Me: Why?

Brother 1: He's the sexiest man alive.

Dad: You're a weirdo.

Brother 1: You've never stared into Dr. Spock's eyes like I have.

Cheese

Dad: I'm boycotting cheese.

Me: Why?

Dad: Green Bay won last week.

Pooped

I'm in the laundry room. Dad closes the door and turns off the light. 30 seconds later, he turns the light back on and comes in giggling.

Me: That's not funny.

Dad: You're right. This is serious stuff. So serious I pooped my pants.

Me: You better take care of that.

Dad: Nah, I'm leaving it there, saving it for later.

Me: You're saving your poop for later?

Poor Grandma

Me (on the phone): How's Grandma's arm? Is it broken?

Mom: Yeah. She fractured it.

Mom bursts out laughing.

Me: What's so funny?

Mom: Grandma just told me that she has a wedgie.

Poo

Me: I changed your name to Poo on the football sheet.

Brother 1: Sweet!

Car Doors

We're pulling up to a stop light and the driver of the car next to us has his door open.

Mom: We're going to take off that guy's door.

Brother 1: He's probably hocking a lugie like Aunt K.

Mom: What?

Brother 1: Aunt K does that all the time, opens her car door and hocks a lugie on the ground.

Mom: I don't believe you.

Brother 1: Call her up, she'll confirm my story.