Poetry

Dad: Crap
Crap
Crap crap crap

Crap in the spring
Crap in the fall
Crap on the rooftop
Crap in the hall

Crap in the front yard
Frozen crap is really hard

Cousin J

Brother 2 is on the phone with Cousin J... they realize they have the same Spring Break.

Brother 2: Yeeeeeeeeessssssssss! Cousin J can come and stay with us!!

Me: For a week?

Brother 2: Probably not. Only like 2 days, or 4 days, or 6.

Me: So, a week?

Brother 2: Yes.

Presents

Dad: I found you a birthday present!

He sets a brown paper bag full of garbage at my feet.

Apples

Brother 1: Ew. A horribly disgusting red apple.

Me: You don't like red apples?

Brother 1: No. Their skin tastes like a marathon runners vagina that hasn't been cleaned in three weeks.

Music

Dad: We need some fat tacks. Oooo, that's a good name. Fat Tack.

Me: It sounds like a jazz musician.

Dad: Fat Tack. I'm coming out with a new albulm. It has 11 tracks, all called Sweet Baby.

First Day of Spring Eve

Dad: Today's the 20th?

Me: Yeah. Tomorrow's free iced coffee day at Dunkin Donuts!

Dad: Tomorrow's the first day of spring. We should celebrate today too, by painting in really bushy eyebrows on our faces. It'll be a national holiday. Bushy Eyebrow Day!

Me: Sounds fun.

Dad: And on Bushy Eyebrow Day, you have to go by your Greek name. Do you remember yours?

007

Dad: This year is James Bond year! 007! We should make up another holiday and celebrate James Bond Day.

Me: When's James Bond's birthday?

Dad: November 16th, 1924... whoa, he's older than Gorgo. I bet they have to send the bad guys to the nursing home for him to fight.

Remains

We went as a family to pick up my grandpa's remains from the crematorium.

Dad: Do you mind holding your grandpa?

Brother 1: I guess not. He's kinda misbehaving back here though.

A Christmas Story

So, I always thought that scene in A Christmas Story, where the boy sticks his tongue to the pole, and it gets stuck, was just a myth, and while it could happen, no one would actually try it.

According to my grandpa's sister, he talked her into licking a drain pipe when they were in elementary school, and he stood there laughing at her while she struggled to get unstuck.

Girls Gone Wild

A couple years ago, Christmas Eve.

Grandpa Gorgo: Here, you can have these, or give them to the kids. They weren't very good.

He hands my dad a stack of Girls Gone Wild video tapes.


Later that night, when my entire extended family was over.

Brother 1: Can we pleeeease watch our Christmas present from Grandpa?? Please?!?!

Mom: No. You are not keeping those.

Brother 1: But it would be fun! I bet Grandma would enjoy them!

Gorgo

I always knew my grandpa as Grandpa Gorgo. Not until sometime during elementary school did I find out this his real name was Bill.

He got the nickname when Dad was little, 'cause he used to sit on the side of the pool smoking his pipe. Which, of course, made him look like an aquatic fire breathing dinosaur.

Grandpa

My grandpa died this morning, so the next week's posts will all be stories about him.


Grandpa: It sucks being 80.

Dad: You're 85.

Grandpa: Aw! That's even worse!!

Juice

Me: Could you pour me some grapefruit juice too? Just a little bit though.

Brother 2 comes back to the dinner table with a shot glass full of juice for me.

Dog

Brother 1, having a conversation with our 11 year old golden retriever.

Brother 1: You're ugly. Yeah, I said it. You are ugly.

(kicks a stuffed soccer ball at him)

Brother 1: Why won't you play soccer with me?!? You are such a useless dog. You know you're going to die soon, so you should play soccer with me while you still can!

Fungus

Me: I think I'm allergic to that lotion you bought, it gave me a rash on my hands.

Mom: Yeah, that looks like contact dermatitis

Dad: No, that looks like butt fungus.

Annoy

Dad's off work for a few days after his surgery.

Dad: Your mother doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to annoy her so much in the next few days that she's going to freak out.

Me: That's not very nice.

Dad: She'll still know that I love her though.

Eagle vs. Hawk

Dad had his other cataract fixed yesterday.

On the phone with Brother 2-

Me: Dad says that his new eye is now an eagle eye, and his former eagle eye is more like a hawk eye.

Brother 2: What the hell is the difference?

Throwing

Phone call with Brother 1-

Me: I'm getting skinny.

Brother 1: Good, I'm getting strong, and that'll make it easier for me to throw you into a wall.



The next morning with Brother 2-

Brother 2: Volleyball is going to make me buff. I'm going to be able to throw you and your hippopotamus ass all the way across the room.

Check Mark (Part 2)

Brother 2: I need to call Brother 1 and let him know that Check Mark is back.

Me: What?

Brother 2: Yeah, he left his lunch in the fridge. Brother 1's going to be excited.

White Out

Dad: Come here, let me paint a mustache on you with the white out. Or we could put some racing stripes on your cheeks. Better yet, lets fill your ears up with white out!!

Arms

Dad: Do you want to arm wrestle me for this pickle?

Me: No.

Dad: Why not?

Me: I don't want a pickle, and you would beat me.

Dad: You're right! I would beat you so bad, you wouldn't want to arm wrestle me ever again!

Me: I didn't want to arm wrestle you in the first place.

Fears

Brother 2: My greatest fear is being attacked by a clown with hypodermic needles attached to his fingers.

Cramps

Brother 2 walks out of the bathroom: Owwww.... I've got a cramp!!! I peed too fast!!

Me: Uh... Wait... you can't get cramps from peeing! Where do you have a cramp? In your leg or something?

Brother 2: You can definitely get cramps from peeing too fast, or for too long. Right in the spot between your penis and your balls.