Oh

Phone convo:

Me: What was I going to say?

Brother 1: You were going to say that I'm the most amazing grilled cheese sandwich maker in the world.

Words of Wisdom

Dad: You can never have too many arms.

Ca-Caw!

Brother 2 is firing an unloaded air gun at me.

ChiChic (the sound of a gun being cocked), Ca-Caw!

ChiChic, Ca-Caw!

ChiChic, Ca-Caw!

Brother 2: Have you noticed that on TV guns make the sound of a crow?

Me: Since when?

Brother 2: Ca-Caw!

Wow...

Watching CSI: Miami with Brother 2

Brother 2: How are they taping this show now? Wasn't Miami destroyed by that hurricane? Oh, wait, was that Orlando? Orlando Bloom?

Me: New Orleans?

Brother 2: Yeah, that's it.


There are problems with our school system when Brother 2 gets Orlando Bloom and New Orleans confused. Or maybe he's just a moron.

Hydraulics

Ok, so picture this: You're driving down the street, and the silver Honda Civic in front of you is rocking back in forth, while moving. Like, majorly rocking back and forth.

Driving Brother 2, Brother 2's girlfriend, Cousin J, and some other kid to Walgreens.

Brother 2's gf: LUGGAGE!!!!!!!

and then, they start rocking back and forth, so hard that my car is shaking... it doesn't stop until Brother 2 hits his head on the window.

I Am Loved

Mom: We're having stuffed chicken tonight for dinner, but I know you don't like stuffing, so I got you one stuffed with asparagus. But then, as I was leaving the butcher, I remembered that you don't like chicken, or asparagus. Sorry.

Me: Dad likes asparagus, you could give it to him.

Mom: I also got you blue tortilla chips... you like those right?

Me: Brother 2 likes those.

Monkey Butt

Cousin G: My grandpa gave me Anti-Monkey Butt Powder for my birthday!

She's 4... and my uncle really did give her anti-monkey butt powder. I'm not quite sure where he bought it from.

Back in the Middle Ages

Me: What are you wearing?

Brother 2: Chain mail gloves.

Me: Why??

Brother 2: I'm not quite sure.

One Thing I Learned Today

As I walked by the bathroom this morning, I learned that Brother 2 likes to whistle the Indiana Jones theme song in the shower.

Axe Body Wash

Brother 2: Here's the $20 for the iPod case I got.

Me: I think you owe me more than $20, you also got body wash.

Brother 2: See, I was thinking that you would buy the soap as a "I'm Glad My Brother Doesn't Smell Like Ass" present.

Me: Oh, really?

Brother 2: Yeah... I mean, you wouldn't want to be responsible for me smelling like ass.

Big Ass Bugs

Me: Ouch! How did you get that bruise on your knee?

Cousin G: A bumble bee pushed me down. It was really strong.

Pika-chu!

Brother 2:

Wouldn't it be funny if all inanimate objects talked like the characters in Pokemon?

Leather Couch: LEATHER LEATHER LEAAAAAAATHER Couuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch, Leather Couch, Leather Couch, LEATHER COOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUCH.

And then, the dry wall would get annoyed.

Dry Wall: DRY Wall. DRY Wall. DRYYYYYYYYYYYY WALL.

And then, all the remote controls would go crazy.

Remote Controls: remote, remote, remote, remoteremoteremote.

And clothing would talk too!!!

A guy would walk by, and you'd hear: WHITEY TIGHTIES!! white white white white white.

And a girl would walk by, and you'd hear:...................................

So you'd know you should go talk to her.

Oh Walgreens

Cousin J: Come on, come on, please, high five, please!!!!

The checkout guy at Walgreens gives him a high five.

Cousin J: Aw, yes! First one of the day!

Gross

My mom was telling us about this crazy news story.

Dad: Were they those new chocolate phones?

Hair Styles

One of my Dad's employees got his hair cut.

Dad: I think I'm going to call his hair cut a Rutabaga Fro. I think I might go downtown and ask the barber for one next week.

Po-Ta-To

Brother 1 on the phone from school: Is mom there?

Me: Nope.

Brother 1: What do you put in mashed potatos?

Me: Um.. potatos, butter, milk, salt, and pepper.

Brother 1: Really? That's it?

Eyes

My Dad has cataracts in his right eye, and a detached retina in his left.
He was looking at something really close up at work:

Dad: I can see it ok if I look through my eagle eye.

Me: Which one's that?

Dad: The right one, the left one is my parrot eye. It doesn't work as well.

Workout Plan

Dad: Did you have fun at the gym? What did you do? Run? Walk? Skip?

Me: Yeah... I skipped on the treadmill for an hour.

Dad: When I go to the gym, I skip on the treadmill and wave my arms in the air and yell obscenities like I have tourettes.

Become One With Nature

So we went to Buffalo Park, a state park in Illinois, that has these really cool land sculptures. Here's a picture of the water bug:



We had walked up the head of the frog when Brother 2 had something to say.

Brother 2: Do you think, if I sit here long enough, I'll become one with nature, and the grasshoppers will sit in my hair?

Secretarial Work

Phone rings at work.

Me: Gear & Repair.

Brother 1: Hi. Is Dad there?

Me: He's working on something, want me to go get him?

Brother 1: No, that's ok, just tell him that I called to say I had a meat-loaf sandwich for lunch today, on toasted bread, with mayonnaise.

Grounded For A Year

So, I'm laying on the couch, reading a book, minding my own business, when Brother 2 attacks. He runs at me, and sits on top of my chest.

Brother 2: Oh! Oh no!!! You're going to hate this!!!!

And then he farts.

In Loving Memory

The male members of the family are very upset today. If you haven't already heard, Steve Irwin, aka Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray.

Brother 1 is in mourning, and Brother 2 is trying to figure out a way to get him back.

Brother 2: I have a plan... what if we sacrifice all the stingrays in the world to God in exchange for Steve Irwin being brought back to life?

Greek

Brother 2: I'm going to knee you in the vaginal area.

Me: Ok, it won't be nearly as painful as me kneeing you in the ballsack.

Mom: Where did you come up with that word??

Brother 2: From Dad.

Dad: Yeah, my Greek name is Ballsackulous Miraculous.