Pajamas

Dad: I stopped wearing pajamas when I was a year and a half old. I've been sleeping naked since I was potty trained!

Puppies

Me: We need to get a puppy, I wish we didn't have to wait until we had a house.

Brother 1: When I get home I'm getting 7 puppies.

Jinx

Watching The Island, where these people are basically bred for spare parts.

Brother 2: Why is his name Echo 16? What does Echo stand for?

Cousin S: I think they name them by the year they were born, so the Echo guys are all 3 years old, and numbered, so they can keep track of them.

Brother 2 and Cousin J, simultaneously: I thought it was because he liked to have sex with dolphins.

Brother 2: Jinx.

Cars

Brother 1: When I get a job, I'm trading in my truck for a Dodge Charger.

Me: Isn't that just like your truck?

Brother 1: No, it's a 4 door, with a V8.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: It's like if my truck and your Honda had sexual relations, this is the car that would be born.

Pee

Brother 1: Did you know that if you pee in the toilet and don't flush for a long time, it'll smell like pork chops?

Passwords

Me: Ok, I'm at the login, what's your password?

Brother 1: Your name.

Me: Your password is my name???

Brother 1: Yep.

Aquaman

Dad: I'm almost done with my water. I've started drinking water now, instead of a second cup of coffee.

Me: That's good.

Dad: Yeah, sometimes I drink TWO cups of water. I'm trying to become Aquaman.

Farts

Me: Can you ground Brother 2? He just farted on my leg.

Dad: Was it a good fart or a bad fart?

Me: Bad.

Dad: Well, that's good then, we should probably encourage him, and give him a dollar, like the tooth fairy.

Golden Retrievers

Brother 1: When I get a dog, I hope it's half as nice as Buddy. I'm definitely getting a golden. Golden Retrievers are the best dogs.

Me: What about Sarah (Cousin J's golden retriever), she's kinda crazy?

Brother 1: That's 'cause Sarah is a girl dog, I'm getting a boy dog. Girl dogs are like girl humans. They go through heat and hump walls and doors.

Me: Girl humans go through heat and hump doors?

Brother 1: Yeah. Why do you think you're always humping stuff?

Economy

Brother 2: Do you think heaven is in a recession too?

Holidays

Me: I'm going to kick you in the face.

Dad: That's not allowed on Bushy Eyebrow Day!

Guts

Dad: Your mother hates my guts. She won't answer my phone calls.

Sticks

Me: Your wife is slacking, she hasn't given me a pay check in weeks.

Dad: You're going to have to yell at her! "Do your job!" but nicer, like by poking her with a pointy stick.

Serial Killer

Brother 1: I'm pretty sure your boyfriend is a serial killer.

Me: Really? Uh oh.

Brother 1: Yeah, he's going to kill you.

Me: Will you protect me?

Brother 1: Only if he tries to murder you at home. If you murders you at his house, there's nothing I can do.

Me: So you're just going to let me die.

Brother 1: Well, if you suddenly disappear, I'll go after him.