Cars

Me: Where'd you go?

Brother 1: To move my car. I parked next to you! And brought you this!!!

Brother 1 places a chunk of ice on my desk and walks out.

Porn

Brother 1: Have you been watching porn Grandma??

Grandma: Every night.

Man Boobs

Brother 1: Man boobs are to comfort you on long lonely nights.

Merry Christmas

Me: It's Christmas!

Brother 1: I don't care. Leave me alone or I'll stab you in the eye with a pen. I'm going to rip off Rudolph's nose and hit you in the balls with it.

Shoes

Mom: I don't think we have three pairs of black shoes for you guys.

Dad: Yeah we do.

Mom: No, you guys share, since you never have to wear them at the same time.

Dad: Nah, there are three pairs in the closet.

Mom: No, there aren't. Stop it! You don't know! You don't pay attention to shoes!!!
I wonder if I have black shoes.

Dad: You do. They're black and pointy and have a little heel. And they look like shoes.

Go Bears

Brother 1: What they should do is make all the Bears wear green tinted contact lenses, so they think they're playing the Packers in every game. They'd be like, "Wait, I thought we were playing Minnesota this week..." "Nope, Green Bay again, the jersey's are green." Then they'd go undefeated all season, and win the Super Bowl. "Wait, how are we playing the Packers in the Super Bowl? They were 0-16 this year. Weird." When actually it's Eli Manning. Ha! Favre sucks.

Christmas Carols

Dad wrote a new Christmas song.

Christmas time is here
Take a shot and drink some beer

Christmas is so fine
It's a lot colder than summer time

Who wants reindeer stew
I just ran over a caribou

My balls itch, oh crap
Santa's whore gave me the clap

What?!?

Brother 2: I'm just not feeling Christmas this year. I wouldn't be too upset if we didn't have it.

Brother 1: Take that back.

Zombie Dance

We went to see I Am Legend last night.

Brother 2: If we had to choose one person to survive a zombie outbreak and save the world, I think I'd choose Cousin J.

Brother 1: Even if that meant you would die?

Brother 2: Yeah. Cousin J could handle it. He probably wouldn't even have to hide at night. He would just go outside and dance with the zombies. And his dancing would curb their hunger and they wouldn't eat him.

Brother 1: But what would happen when he got to old to dance? He would die and the zombies would eat him.

Brother 2: Nah, Cousin J's dancing would make him younger each day. Dancing all day keeps the zombies away.

Happy Birthday Brother 1 or Divine Visions

God: Brother 1! Wake up!

Brother 1: Go away God, I'm trying to sleep!!

God: Wake up! Dude, did you know that we have the same birthday?!?

Brother 1: Really?

God: Yeah!

Brother 1: Cool. Now leave, I'm trying to sleep.

Brother 1 is Home

Brother 1: One time, I knew this girl named Vanessa, and she was a total queer. But then she died. And it was kinda weird, 'cause then I met you, and your name was Vanessa.

Bowling

Zombies

Dad: You're a zombie.

Me: No I'm not. I used to be, but I recovered.

Dad: I don't think you recover from that sort of thing. Go to Haiti, come back, you're a zombie.

Me: Visiting Haiti doesn't make you a zombie...

Dad: It doesn't?

Poop

Brother 2: Man we should go for like a week without pooping, then hang out and have a contest. Eat beef jerky and mexican food for like 5 days.

Cousin J: And White Castle! Dude, we would explode by the first night.

Apples

Me: What are you eating?

Dad: Applesauce. Straight out of the jar! It's like eating apples right off the tree.

Walks

Me: What are you doing?

Dad: Practicing new walks. Winter walks.

Me: For what?

Dad: We're going to do winter walks around the neighborhood, singing songs to everyone who answers their door.

Me: What kinds of songs are we going to sing?

Dad: Doors classics. And the Under Dog theme song.