Brother 2 likes to ask the servers at restaurants for Vault to drink. They always look at him like he's crazy.
Me: I almost called you today while I was driving. I drove past a White Castle, and they had a sign out that said "New Pop Flavors- Coke Zero and Vault"
Brother 2 starts dancing around the kitchen.
Mom: I'll always say the reason your uncle likes working for the union so much, is it's the closest he can get to working for the mafia while staying within the law.
Me (needing to shower, yelling at the bathroom door): Aw!!! What are you doing???
Brother 2: POOOOOO!!!!
Me: I need to shower!
Brother 2: Well, now when you shower it'll smell like dead fish!
Mom: Your poo smells like dead fish? That's not normal.
Dad: Where was Ballsaculous Miraculous from?
Me: Like his home town?
Dad: This will be on the test!!!! Where was Ballsaculous Miraculous born??
Me: Sparta?!?
Dad: WRONG!
Me: Ah! He was Greek!?! He was the Commander of the Northern Army!
Dad: He was born in Thermopolis, Wyoming! Legend has it, his mother birthed him in the sulfur bathes.
Mom: Don't your hands hurt from lifting all that wood yesterday?
Brother 2: Nope. I've been working them out with that squeezing thingy.
Me: Why do you want strong hands?
Brother 2: So I can grab onto people's arms and not let go. Imagine... I grab Brother 1 by the arm, and hold him in place with my super strong hands.
Mom: Until Brother 1 falls on top of you and ruins everything.
Me: I just rode my bike 50 miles. My legs feel like they're going to fall off.
Brother 2: Hmmm... are you sure they don't feel like cheetah legs?
Dad: I took out the garbage for you.
Me: Thanks.
Dad: You owe me $10.
Me: What?
Dad: That's how I make all my money. I do people's jobs and charge them for it. Mostly family members. Like Buddy (our dog), every time I feed him, he owes me a quarter. I'm going to be rich.
Brothers and cousins realized that they all took different languages in high school.
Brother 1: We should make up one long sentence, where each word is in a different language!! I know some French and Italian.
Cousin S: I know how to say railroad station in Russian.
Brother 1: Ok, great! Our sentence will have to have something to do with a railroad station...
I'll keep you updated.
Someone commented that they like Grandma best :) Here's a classic Grandma story just for you!
Cousin K: You're such a scumbag! (directed towards Cousin J)
Grandma: Do you know what a scumbag is??? It's a used prophylactic!
Cousin K: What's a prophylactic??
Grandma: You know, the thing men put on their penis to prevent STD's and pregnancy.
Cousin K: A condom???
Grandma: Yes.
Brother 2 (walking up the stairs): Ow. My thighs are on fire. Wouldn't that be weird if stuff like that actually happened?
Some guy: Be careful walking up those stairs, your thighs might start on fire.
Brother 2 pantomiming flames shooting off his legs.
Brother 2: Whoaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Cramming 8 people into a car built for 7.
Me: Why do I get stuck in the back seat with 3 other people? I'm the oldest.
Brother 1: Cousin J and I are the biggest! We get seats to ourselves! SUCKS TO BE SKINNY!
Grandma: Don't start groping her over there. I'm glad you love my daughter, but that is not something I need to see.
Dad: Then I guess I shouldn't show you guys the videos, huh?
