Stabbed

Brother 1's Friend: Didn't your mom dump out your alcohol once?

Brother 1: Yeah, she dumped out my vodka. I almost stabbed her in the eye.

Shark Attack

Me: Why are you going to a lawyer?

Dad: We're making the business incorporated and starting a trust, so if I get hit by lightning, eaten by sharks, or attacked by bumbly bees, everything will roll over to you guys.

Bored

Brother 2: When are aliens going to come, or mole people come out of the ground and attack? I'm getting kinda bored here.

God

Watching I Shouldn't Be Alive with Mom, and the guy in the show's plane crashed in the ocean, and he has to swim really far to shore.

Guy on TV: I just asked God to help me, to do anything he could to make it a little easier for me to make it to shore.

Mom: So God sent sharks.

Stars

Brother 1's Friend: Remember that time you spelled out "Will you go to prom with me?" on the ceiling of your bedroom in glow in the dark stars?

Brother 1: I need a drink.

Testicles

Brother 1: Does your left nut ever hurt for no reason? Mine does all the time. You can get 70 grand for selling a testical. I'm definitely going to do that with the left one.

Antidote

Brother 2: My ankles are getting really warm.

Cousin J: Do you have the antidote for that?

Turkeys

Brother 1: Could we get a pet turkey? It could live in the backyard.

Happy Thanksgiving

Mom: Why doesn't it smell like turkey in here? It's been in the oven for over 2 hours!

Oh shit! Who turned off the oven?!?!

Dad: Not me.

Me: Not me. The boys are sleeping, you must have done it.

Stat Counter

So, like most of you out there, I use stat counter. I like it 'cause I can see where people are reading from (shout out to the reader from Japan!) and where they found me. Yesterday, I checked it, and some one had read in Andelucia, Spain. I thought that was pretty cool, so I checked their info.

They found my blog by google searching "worms taken out of boob". Strange.

But seriously, the only reason I use stat counter is so that I can rub it in John's face when my blog becomes more popular than his.

Longer Arms

Dad: Do you think you could grow you arms a few inches longer?

Brother 1 as a Fudgem

Dedicated to Nicole

Remember Ballsackulous Miraculous?

His wife's name is Asscrackulous Miraculous, and his first son's name is Ratsaculous Miraculous.

Another New Name

I run a football pool through work, and this week, when I picked up the sheet, there was a new person on the end, "NUB".

Me: Who's this new person?

Dad: Nub? That's me. (scratches the beginnings of the beard he's growing)

Me: Ok.

Dad: My full name is Nubulous McAllister, but that wouldn't fit on the sheet.

Ho

Brother 2 was telling me about this thing he was going to invent that would scrape up snow using a hoe attached to a remote control car.

Brother 2: ... and I'm going to attach a hoe to it, but not a street ho, a garden hoe.

Monarchy

Telemarketer: May I speak with the president of your company?

Dad: Well... we don't have a president. We have a king though, would you like to talk to him?

Words of Wisdom

Dad: If we could control time, we could rule the world.

Mustard Tea

Dad: Is this lemon juice? I should put this in my tea.

Me: It's lime juice, look for a yellow bottle.

Dad: What about mustard?

007

Mom: They need someone cute for the new Bond, like the guy from Grey's Anatomy, McNasty, or McFeely... what's his name? Oh yeah, McDreamy.

Italians

Mom: Cousin J, is the mostachiolli as good as your moms?

His mom is Italian, he couldn't honestly answer the question without offending my mom, so he chose not to answer instead.

Cats

Mom: There was a big yellow cat in our backyard yesterday.

Dad: Did you shoot it?

Mom: No.

Dad: Did you throw it in the trash?

Mom: No, I kicked it, then threw it out of the yard.

The OC

Dad: I need to go to bed.

Me: You can't! You need to finish watching the season premiere of The OC!

Dad: I dunno if I can... it's making me nauseous, my stomach hurts too much.

Ideas

Brother 2: Come pick me up from school.

Me: No, walk.

Brother 2: It's cold! I'll get pneumonia again and die!

Me: That wouldn't be so bad.

Brother 2: I know. Oh wait! That would be terrible!!

Mustache

Dad: You should start taking steroids. You might grow a beard, but you'd be able to pick up that box.