Puppy Sausage

Brother 2 is laying on top of the dog, talking in a baby voice.

Brother 2: I'm going to make you into sausage. Liiiiittle tiiiiiny puppy sausage. You are going to be so tasty.

Raptors

Brother 2: Aaaarh! (raptor noise)

Kyle: What the hell was that?

Brother 2: I don't have a penis. I have a raptor strapped to my waist. It gets upset when I suck in my stomach, it must be uncomfortable.

Kyle: I though your penis was made up of a bunch of worms.

Brother 2: Nah, that's Brother 1. They synchronize when he wants to have sex though.

Wolverine

Me: I have to get an MRI on my foot today, x-rays harm the baby.

Brother 1: I hope your baby isn't like Wolverine.

Me: It hasn't clawed its way out of my uterus yet. I'm pretty sure it's just a normal baby.

Brother 1: The claws could still be developing. I'm more worried about the metal skeleton. When you go in for that MRI, the magnets will rip it right out of you.

Jehovah Witnesses

Dad: Did you hear about the Jehovah Witness that's been coming around trying to get Brother 2 to join a Bible Study? He's my age. He thinks Brother 2 is adorable.

Me: He used the word adorable?

Dad: No, I'm just trying to spice things up a bit.

A Witch!

Dad: This crouton floats in my soup. It is the spawn of Satan.

Brother 2: Things that float are the spawn of Satan.

Dad: Yes. Like croutons, bread, ducks and Oprah.

Me: Are you sure Oprah floats?

Dad: Parts of her do.

Too Much Information

Somehow, hand-jobs came up in conversation.

Brother 2: Wait. I thought the whole point of getting married was that you don't have to jerk off anymore.

Kyle: Doesn't quite work that way.

Brother 2: That's surprising. Brother 1 and I are total freaks.

Texts

Brother 2 and my cousin Josh texting back and forth.

Brother 2: How's your pregnant wife doing?

Josh: Good. Tell your sister that if her wedding hadn't been so much fun, I wouldn't have gotten Sunny knocked up.

Brother 2 (with me telling him what to write): It's not her fault you don't know how to use a condom.

Josh: Look who's talking...

Brother 2: So, I think Brother 1 and I were the only ones paying attention in sex ed.

Where's Waldo

Every year, my high school takes a big group senior picture. There are about 1000 seniors this year. Brother 2, knowing the senior picture was coming up, dressed up like Waldo. I'm going to have to scan the picture in.

Me: Where are you in this?

Brother 2: Find Waldo.