What?

Brother 2: Dad! Your wife is trying to bite off my nipples!

Free Chiropractic Care

Brother 1: Did you ever fart so hard it cracked your back?

Herpes

Mom: Do you want to try this new chapstick?

Brother 2: Ok.

Mom: Wait, do you have herpes?

Boogers

Brother 2: How do you pick your nose with such small nostrils?

Me: I have tiny fingers.

Brother 2: My nostrils are huge, I can reach the boogers on my brain. I clean them off every once in a while, it makes me smarter.

Fashion Advice

Dad: Women should not wear brown clothes. It makes them look like giant turds.

Dead People

Mom: Everyone came to visit me last night! Granny, my dad, Buddy, and Grandma, but she was really crabby.

Brother 2: No wonder she was crabby, she was in a dream with all dead people. She was probably like, "I'm not dead yet! Why am I here?!"

Underwear

Brother 2: I'm so tired. I just rode my bike 15 miles in the rain through the mud.

Me, my boyfriend, and his sister just stare at him.

Brother 2: Yes. I'm in my underwear.

Paying Attention

Dad (poking me in the head): What's that?

Me: The back of my earring.

Dad: When did you get that done?

Me: Uh, 7th grade.

Goldfish, Part 2

Mom: Rudy ate all his food out of my hand today!

Me: Really? Your training is working!

Mom: Rudy really likes pizza.