Songwriters

Brother 2 (singing): I love pizza
I like bagels
I like hotdogs with ketchup and cheese
I'm so hungry I could eat a baby
But I think I'll have a bagel instead

Richard Harris

I didn't think this song existed. Dad sings it all the time. Here are the lyrics so you can sing along.

MacArthurs park is melting in the dark
All the sweet green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain.
I dont think that I can take it
Cause it took so long to bake it
And Ill never have that recipe again!
Oh, no-o-o-o!

Boyfriends

Brother 2: I wish I had a boyfriend who would take me out to dinner all the time.

Spit

Dad: I'm going to chew up this piece of bread, and spit it at your head. It will explode into a million pieces.

Me: Your spit is like TNT.

Ass

Brother 1 (on the phone): Hello?

Me: Are you sleeping?

Brother 1: Yeah.

Me: Why do I always call you when you're sleeping?

Brother 1: 'Cause you're a dumbass.

Prius

Brother 1: Does your boyfriend really drive a blue Prius?

Me: Yeah.

Brother 1: I'm going to have to slash his tires to counter the money he's saving on gas.

Me: Ok. Remember that he's 4 inches taller than you and has huge arm muscles though.

Songs

Dad: I tore ass in my Torus
Driving down the street

I tore ass in my Torus
Better than walking on my feet

Voice Mail

Brother 1 calls Cousin 8 and leaves him a voice mail.

Cousin 8 sends text back: "What do you want?"

Brother 1: "Check your voice mail!"

Cousin 8 is deaf.

Showers

Brother 1: After I shower I tuck my balls back and dance in the mirror.

Me: Why?

Brother 1: It's funny.

I Love my Brothers

Brother 1 to my boyfriend: How did you end up with her? You're way too good for her, I think you could do better.

Brother 2: Yeah, I agree.

Salt and Pepper

Brother 1 doesn't know where anything in our new rental house goes.

Brother 1: Where does that salt and pepper go? Here? Here? What about here?

Brother 1 opens a bunch of cabinets and then throws the salt and pepper shakers on the floor.

First Born Children

Brother 1: I'm naming my first born child Hydrogenated Soda.