Beef Jerkey

Brother 2: Beef jerky is God's poop.

Me: Really?

Brother 2: Why do you think it tastes so good?

Jobs

Brother 2: What should I be when I grow up?

Cousin J: You should write dirty novels.

Brother 2: Ok.

Cousin J: Novels about the sex lives of old cartoon characters. Like Scooby Doo.

Serenade

Dad (singing): la la la la la la la la
serenade
serenade
serenade grenade
blows up in your ear

Names

Dad: We were going to name you Cootie.

Me: Really?

Dad: It was either Vanessa, Elizabeth, or Cootie.

Me: Why didn't you name me Cootie?

Dad: We played rock-paper-scissors and I lost, so Mom got to name you.

Frost Bite

Me: I got frost bite on my fingers today at work!

Mom: But did your fingers turn black and fall off?

Me: No..

Mom (totally serious): Mine did, in high school.

Me: You have all your fingers...

Mom: It grew back.

Dad: Like a chameleon tail.

Vampires

Dad: You'd think that they'd go up to Scandinavia or northern Canada or something, where it wasn't so much daylight. These vampires are stupid, living in Texas.

Valentine's Day

Me: What did you get me for Valentine's Day?

Dad: A chocolate covered hamster on a stick.

Pottery Barn

Me: I need to meet cute guys. Where do I do that?

Brother 1: Pottery Barn.

Zombie Honeymoon

Watching Zombie Honeymoon with my dad.

Dad: If a zombie tries to puke in your mouth, don't let it.

Fart

Dad: You sweet fart blossom.

Me: Is that a compliment?

Dad: Maybe.

Rhino

Me: I just tried to call my brother, but he didn't answer his phone.

Dad: Which brother? Big brother?

Me: Yeah.

Dad: Number 1 Son?

Me: Brother number 1.

Dad: Mother Fucker.

Me: Or Rhinoceros.

Brothers

Me (on the phone): You should put my spaghetti in the microwave so it's ready when I get home.

Brother 2: Nope.

Me: You would do it if you were a nice brother.

Brother 2: I'm not your brother.

All Nighters

Brother 2 woke me up at 6 AM.

Brother 2: Want to come out to breakfast with us?

Me: It's 6 in the morning.

Brother 2: We're hungry.

Me: Have you gone to bed yet?

Brother 2: Nope.