Beef Jerkey

Brother 2: Beef jerky is God's poop.

Me: Really?

Brother 2: Why do you think it tastes so good?

Jobs

Brother 2: What should I be when I grow up?

Cousin J: You should write dirty novels.

Brother 2: Ok.

Cousin J: Novels about the sex lives of old cartoon characters. Like Scooby Doo.

Serenade

Dad (singing): la la la la la la la la
serenade
serenade
serenade grenade
blows up in your ear

Names

Dad: We were going to name you Cootie.

Me: Really?

Dad: It was either Vanessa, Elizabeth, or Cootie.

Me: Why didn't you name me Cootie?

Dad: We played rock-paper-scissors and I lost, so Mom got to name you.

Frost Bite

Me: I got frost bite on my fingers today at work!

Mom: But did your fingers turn black and fall off?

Me: No..

Mom (totally serious): Mine did, in high school.

Me: You have all your fingers...

Mom: It grew back.

Dad: Like a chameleon tail.

Vampires

Dad: You'd think that they'd go up to Scandinavia or northern Canada or something, where it wasn't so much daylight. These vampires are stupid, living in Texas.

Valentine's Day

Me: What did you get me for Valentine's Day?

Dad: A chocolate covered hamster on a stick.

Pottery Barn

Me: I need to meet cute guys. Where do I do that?

Brother 1: Pottery Barn.

Zombie Honeymoon

Watching Zombie Honeymoon with my dad.

Dad: If a zombie tries to puke in your mouth, don't let it.

Fart

Dad: You sweet fart blossom.

Me: Is that a compliment?

Dad: Maybe.

Rhino

Me: I just tried to call my brother, but he didn't answer his phone.

Dad: Which brother? Big brother?

Me: Yeah.

Dad: Number 1 Son?

Me: Brother number 1.

Dad: Mother Fucker.

Me: Or Rhinoceros.

Brothers

Me (on the phone): You should put my spaghetti in the microwave so it's ready when I get home.

Brother 2: Nope.

Me: You would do it if you were a nice brother.

Brother 2: I'm not your brother.

All Nighters

Brother 2 woke me up at 6 AM.

Brother 2: Want to come out to breakfast with us?

Me: It's 6 in the morning.

Brother 2: We're hungry.

Me: Have you gone to bed yet?

Brother 2: Nope.

Tomato

Cousin J to Brother 2: Would you please stop buttering my tomato?

Trendsetters

Dad: You need to wear your safety glass at all times in the shop. You need to follow the trends set by the trend setter. The European trend setter.

Me: You're not European.

Dad: I could be!

Fork

Dad: You didn't eat my coleslaw.

Me: I don't like coleslaw.

Dad: Would you like a fork in your neck?

Me: No...

Dad: I just though, that someone who doesn't like coleslaw would be the type of person to like a fork in their neck.

What?

Dad: Did you see the picture of Ron Jeremy I found for Grandma?

Bears

Yesterday was the championship party.

Me: You would think with all the Bears shirts and decorations, they were playing today or something.

Brother 1: We are still rooting for the Bears. You know what's going to happen in the Superbowl, right?

Me: What?

Brother 1: The game will be tied 0-0, it will go into 7 over times, and the Bears will be declared the winners.

Me: Oh, ok.

Motorcycles

Brother 1: Mom and I are getting our motorcycle licenses. We're going to ride across country.

Me: Is Dad getting his too?

Brother 1: Nope. He's going to ride on the back of Mom's.

Spock

Brother 1: Who's William Shatner?

Me: Dr. Spock.

Brother 1: He's my favorite person.

Me: Why?

Brother 1: He's the sexiest man alive.

Dad: You're a weirdo.

Brother 1: You've never stared into Dr. Spock's eyes like I have.