The Letter G

Dad: Aw. Sweet gargantuan gopher balls. The letter of the day is G. Sweet gargantuan gopher gonads.

Salmonella

Dad: Your mom left the eggs out. We're all going to get salmonella. Sammy Davis Jr. and Ella Fitzgerald.

Robot Unicorn

Have you played this game? Seriously. Best game ever.

Me: Why is the unicorn a robot?

Brother 1: Because. How would a real unicorn make your dreams come true?

Loud

Violet is crazy, she fits right in. She was squealing and screeching and banging on a table.

Jack (age 4): Too loud.

Then, he turned off his hearing aids.

Conkey

Have you seen Trailer Park Boys? It's an awesome Canadian show. Dad decided he's going to talk like Conkey from now on.

Mom: Why are you so weird?

Brother 2: Uh. I spend 8 hours a day with a guy who talks in a high pitch gravely voice. How can I not be weird?

Here's a video featuring Conkey. He's the puppet.

Fish Face

Nipples

In the hot tub:

I move to a different seat.

Kyle: Whoa. That's not Vanessa.

Brother 2: Nope that's me.

Kyle: I thought she was playing with both my nipples.

Me: Nope. Just one.

Kyle: So that was Brother 2....

Fancy

Brother 2's GF: We need to act fancy!

Cousin G: Who sat on my crumpet?

Pigeon

Brother 2: Did you know that when you drive your car faster than 120 mph, it sprouts wings?

Brother 1: Yeah, I've had that happen before.

Brother 2: But not big wings, little pigeon wings.

Brother 1: Yeah, and it slows the car down to about 8 mph, slowly flapping, about 1/4 inch off the ground.

Brother 2: Exactly.

Stabbing

Kyle: I have a wonderful wife, and life, and knife. AHHHHHHH! (As he pretends to stab me in the throat) What? It rhymed.

Brother 1's New License Plate

Nightmares

Grandma: I wouldn't do LSD! No way! I wouldn't have one of those nice trips where you're imagining lying on the beach. I would have nightmares! Awful nightmares. I couldn't do it.

Flat

Dad: The world is flat! And the sun revolves around us! Because we're the greatest! The greatest, baby! Greatest!

Tattoos

Brother 1: I want to get a monkey tattoo! On my butt. So it looks like the monkey is climbing out of my butt crack. Or the monkey's mouth could be my butt hole!!! "Aw, the monkey is sick, oh no!". I would definitely need to eat some White Castle before I went to get that tattoo.

Celine Dion

Brother 1 and his girlfriend are currently having a Celine Dion singing contest in the basement.

Toilets

Looking through the Bed Bath & Beyond flier.

Dad: There is a bunch of useless crap in here. We don't need any of it. I already have a toothbrush. And I already have a toilet.

Me: You have a few toilets.

Dad: I do. I have too many toilets. I have so many and I can't even use more than one at a time. Well... I could try, but it'd probably be pretty difficult.

Milestones

Kyle: Are we suppossed to write down when she does new things? Like the date she rolled over for the first time?

Me: Probaby.

Kyle: I'm going to forget, and then have to make stuff up when she gets older and asks..."yeah, you rolled over for the first time at 3. Started walking when you were 6 years old..."

Discus

Brother 1: You're pretty awesome Violet. Wally's still my favorite though. You rank just below my largest discus fish. Wally, turtle, big discus, Violet, all the other discus.

American Idol

Brother 1: My GF made me watch American Idol. The whole 2 hour special.

Me: You know, that show it pure torture for our family. We're all tone deaf. So we watch, and say "Wow, that person was really good, they're pretty and look like they had a lot of fun" and then the judges tell us what a horrible singer they are. It's just not fun.

Brother 1: GF got so mad at me for all my comments that she took a crap on my chest.

Me: And you were so engrossed in American Idol that you didn't notice until it was too late?

Brother 1: Yeah. She was crouching over my chest like a tiger, and I didn't even notice until it was too late...

Vomit

Kyle: I can't change this diaper. It smells so awful! I'm going to vomit. No seriously, awful smells make me vomit.

Brother 1: Do you vomit while you're taking a shit?