Celine Dion

Brother 1 and his girlfriend are currently having a Celine Dion singing contest in the basement.

Toilets

Looking through the Bed Bath & Beyond flier.

Dad: There is a bunch of useless crap in here. We don't need any of it. I already have a toothbrush. And I already have a toilet.

Me: You have a few toilets.

Dad: I do. I have too many toilets. I have so many and I can't even use more than one at a time. Well... I could try, but it'd probably be pretty difficult.

Milestones

Kyle: Are we suppossed to write down when she does new things? Like the date she rolled over for the first time?

Me: Probaby.

Kyle: I'm going to forget, and then have to make stuff up when she gets older and asks..."yeah, you rolled over for the first time at 3. Started walking when you were 6 years old..."

Discus

Brother 1: You're pretty awesome Violet. Wally's still my favorite though. You rank just below my largest discus fish. Wally, turtle, big discus, Violet, all the other discus.

American Idol

Brother 1: My GF made me watch American Idol. The whole 2 hour special.

Me: You know, that show it pure torture for our family. We're all tone deaf. So we watch, and say "Wow, that person was really good, they're pretty and look like they had a lot of fun" and then the judges tell us what a horrible singer they are. It's just not fun.

Brother 1: GF got so mad at me for all my comments that she took a crap on my chest.

Me: And you were so engrossed in American Idol that you didn't notice until it was too late?

Brother 1: Yeah. She was crouching over my chest like a tiger, and I didn't even notice until it was too late...

Vomit

Kyle: I can't change this diaper. It smells so awful! I'm going to vomit. No seriously, awful smells make me vomit.

Brother 1: Do you vomit while you're taking a shit?

Walnut

Violet has these blankies with animal heads that she likes to snuggle with.

Kyle: Aw, are you snuggling with Walnut?

Me: You named her moose Walnut?

Kyle: Yeah.

Me: What's her giraffe's name?

Kyle: Skippy.

Birds

Kyle: Did you hear the birds this morning?!? They're coming back!

Me: Really?

Kyle: Birds are my favorite.

Me: I know! Maybe we should get a pet bird.

Kyle: Yeah! I want a hawk!

Piggies

Kyle: This little piggy went to the market.
This little piggy went to Baghdad.
This little piggy went to South America.
This little piggy went to the West Alps.
And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home.

Arms

Kyle was spinning Violet around.

Kyle: Good thing she has good things to hold on to.

Me: Arms?

Kyle: Yeah. Good thing our baby has arms!

Jehovah Witnesses Part 2

Mom: The Jehovah Witnesses came looking for Brother 1 again today. They had information about Buddhism for him.

Me: Because they took him seriously when he asked if they thought all of China was going to hell?

Mom: Yeah. And they told me that even Violet is going to have a judgement day.

Me: Wow. Poor Violet. What did you say?

Mom: I told them there was no way in hell this adorable little girl is going to have judgement day.

Lullaby

Mom: I could hear you singing to Violet while you were giving her a bath. What were you singing?!?

Kyle: The ghostbusters theme.

Brown Squirrel

Kyle: Vanessa discriminates. She only likes guys with huge dicks.

Brother 2: That's true. That's why she won't sleep with Brother 1 and I.

Me: Not because it's incest and you're gross?

Brother 2: No, it's 'cause Brother 1 and I are hung like brown squirrels.

Religion

You can tell how religious we are...

Me: Do you think Jesus' sperm had magical powers?

Kyle: Yeah, he impregnated the Virgin Mary with them.

Me: I think Mary was his mother...

Kyle: Oops, ew, gross.

Babysitters

Me (calling to check on Violet): What are you guys up to?

Brother 1: We're just watching cartoons and killing zombies.

Avatar

Kyle: I want to be an avatar!

Me: But how would you communicate with the trees and animals? You don't have hair to connect.

Kyle: I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as male pattern baldness on that planet.

Kitties

Kyle (playing with Violet): What sound does a kitty make? Reeeaaaaarrrrwwww!!!!

Me: Whoa. My kitties say meow...

Kyle: All my animals have rabies.

Sideburns

Brother 1: Have you seen Brother 2's sideburns? He looks like Wolverine with cancer.

Halloween!

Lullaby

Kyle makes up songs for Violet. Here's the latest:

I'm your dad.
I'm so glad, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I would never give you up to an orphanage, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I wouldn't give you to a homeless man on the street, 'cause I'm your dad.
Even if he looked lonely.
'Cause I'm your dad.