Mom: The Jehovah Witnesses came looking for Brother 1 again today. They had information about Buddhism for him.
Me: Because they took him seriously when he asked if they thought all of China was going to hell?
Mom: Yeah. And they told me that even Violet is going to have a judgement day.
Me: Wow. Poor Violet. What did you say?
Mom: I told them there was no way in hell this adorable little girl is going to have judgement day.
Mom: I could hear you singing to Violet while you were giving her a bath. What were you singing?!?
Kyle: The ghostbusters theme.
Kyle: Vanessa discriminates. She only likes guys with huge dicks.
Brother 2: That's true. That's why she won't sleep with Brother 1 and I.
Me: Not because it's incest and you're gross?
Brother 2: No, it's 'cause Brother 1 and I are hung like brown squirrels.
You can tell how religious we are...
Me: Do you think Jesus' sperm had magical powers?
Kyle: Yeah, he impregnated the Virgin Mary with them.
Me: I think Mary was his mother...
Kyle: Oops, ew, gross.
Me (calling to check on Violet): What are you guys up to?
Brother 1: We're just watching cartoons and killing zombies.
Kyle: I want to be an avatar!
Me: But how would you communicate with the trees and animals? You don't have hair to connect.
Kyle: I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as male pattern baldness on that planet.
Kyle (playing with Violet): What sound does a kitty make? Reeeaaaaarrrrwwww!!!!
Me: Whoa. My kitties say meow...
Kyle: All my animals have rabies.
Kyle makes up songs for Violet. Here's the latest:
I'm your dad.
I'm so glad, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I would never give you up to an orphanage, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I wouldn't give you to a homeless man on the street, 'cause I'm your dad.
Even if he looked lonely.
'Cause I'm your dad.
Mom and Brother 2 are on the phone.
Mom: Here, talk to Violet.
She holds the phone up to Violet's ear, and you can hear Brother 2 saying stuff to her.
Violet: (Crazy laughing horse noise)
Brother 2: What the hell was that?!?
Everyone has facebook, including my Grandma.
Brother 2's status update: Does not enjoy cock, other than his own.
Grandma's response: Glad to hear it! Maybe you don't want to share with everyone. Love you. Gram
Violet Cynthia was born on 9-9-09 (awesome birthday!) at 7:27 am. She weighs 7 lbs 8 oz and is 21 inches long :)
Dad: I need you to go walk in the mud outside, so I can make plaster casts of your footprints and sell them as Sasquash feet.
Brother 1: I want to see your belly right after you deliver. Will you have a huge flap of skin?
Me: I've heard you usually leave the hospital still looking 5 months pregnant. It takes a few weeks for your uterus to go back to normal.
Brother 2: Will you be walking around queefing?
Brother 1: Wow.
Me: I hope my water breaks tonight.
Brother 2: I DO NOT need to hear about your vaginal fluids!
Kyle: Be careful walking here, the ground is pretty uneven. You don't want to roll a cankle.
We call Brother 1 a rhino, because he is a rhino.
Brother 1: I'm at 199 pounds! Sweet!
Me: Shit. You can't loose more than five pounds before the baby is born.
Brother 1: Will I weigh less than you?!?! I'm going on the Lemonade Diet! I'm going to lose 10 pounds in a week, and start calling you Rhino!
Dad: You should have gotten up earlier today. Vanessa and I got to watch 80's music videos on VH1.
Me: And British 1 hit wonders!
Dad: But then, a Paul McCartney concert came on. It gave me really horrible diarrhea.
