Kitties

Kyle (playing with Violet): What sound does a kitty make? Reeeaaaaarrrrwwww!!!!

Me: Whoa. My kitties say meow...

Kyle: All my animals have rabies.

Sideburns

Brother 1: Have you seen Brother 2's sideburns? He looks like Wolverine with cancer.

Halloween!

Lullaby

Kyle makes up songs for Violet. Here's the latest:

I'm your dad.
I'm so glad, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I would never give you up to an orphanage, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I wouldn't give you to a homeless man on the street, 'cause I'm your dad.
Even if he looked lonely.
'Cause I'm your dad.

Phone Calls

Mom and Brother 2 are on the phone.

Mom: Here, talk to Violet.

She holds the phone up to Violet's ear, and you can hear Brother 2 saying stuff to her.

Violet: (Crazy laughing horse noise)

Brother 2: What the hell was that?!?

Facebook

Everyone has facebook, including my Grandma.

Brother 2's status update: Does not enjoy cock, other than his own.

Grandma's response: Glad to hear it! Maybe you don't want to share with everyone. Love you. Gram

Uncles

Look what she has to put up with...

Violet

Violet Cynthia was born on 9-9-09 (awesome birthday!) at 7:27 am. She weighs 7 lbs 8 oz and is 21 inches long :)

Swelling

Dad: I need you to go walk in the mud outside, so I can make plaster casts of your footprints and sell them as Sasquash feet.

Ew.

Brother 1: I want to see your belly right after you deliver. Will you have a huge flap of skin?

Me: I've heard you usually leave the hospital still looking 5 months pregnant. It takes a few weeks for your uterus to go back to normal.

Brother 2: Will you be walking around queefing?

Brother 1: Wow.

Fluids

Me: I hope my water breaks tonight.

Brother 2: I DO NOT need to hear about your vaginal fluids!

Cankles

Kyle: Be careful walking here, the ground is pretty uneven. You don't want to roll a cankle.

I Have a Person Inside Me

We call Brother 1 a rhino, because he is a rhino.

Brother 1: I'm at 199 pounds! Sweet!

Me: Shit. You can't loose more than five pounds before the baby is born.

Brother 1: Will I weigh less than you?!?! I'm going on the Lemonade Diet! I'm going to lose 10 pounds in a week, and start calling you Rhino!

Beatles

Dad: You should have gotten up earlier today. Vanessa and I got to watch 80's music videos on VH1.

Me: And British 1 hit wonders!

Dad: But then, a Paul McCartney concert came on. It gave me really horrible diarrhea.

Thanks...

Mom: What were you wearing on Saturday?

Me: A dress... why?

Mom: Well, Brother 1 said that he was a little embarrassed when you guys were out to dinner at that fancy restaurant, 'cause he was in a t-shirt. I asked him what you were wearing, and he said, "One of those pregnant muumuu things."

Nursery

Me: Ok, we've got the crib and mattress, some sheets for the bassinet. Can you think of anything else our nursery needs that we didn't register for?

Kyle: More monkeys. There are definitely not enough monkeys in the nursery.



And that's how we ended up doing one entire wall in monkey decals :)

Halo

Brother 1: Isn't that Brother 2's Halo 3 t-shirt?

Me: None of my t-shirts fit me anymore. And this one is soft and comfy.

Rich: At least you know the baby will be a Halo player.

Brother 1, rubs my belly: Hello Master Chief.

Vampires

I worked all day removing a bunch of stuff from this photograph for a hotel advertisement, and was really happy with how it turned out, so I emailed it to a few people to show it off.

before:


after:



Response from Brother 1:
WoW. Everyone knows that with the new special camera you were using it is possible to take pictures of Vampires. The only problem is that photoshop has a hard time discerning the individual pixels of the ghostly figure. Thus, No Vampire in the photoshopped image.

Pork Chawesome AND YOU!!!!

Recipe I received from Brother 1:

The first step to pork chawesome is to get some pork.
The second step to pork chawesome is to get some chawesome.
Your probably thinking where do i get some chawesome, Is it in isle 8 of my grocery store?
NO!!!

To make Chawesome just take Italian bread crumbs and mix them with more italian seasoning and Parmesan Cheese.

Violently slap the pork into a plate of some kind of oil, preferably not motor oil.
Drip off extra oil and punt the oiled pork into the Chawesome covering them thoroughly.
Place in the oven for 25- 45 min. Pork is very nice because it doesn't care how long you cook it for.
Pork + Chawesome + Heat = Pork Chawesome

So you've made pork chawesome but dont have any sides?
Recomended sides - Mushroom rice
pee's or green beans
Corn is terrible with pork chawesome
if you suggested corn I would not allow you to eat any of my Chawesome Pork

Never Allowed to Babysit

Brother 1: When I babysit your kid, I'm going to duct tape it to the wall above the TV. That way I can watch both at the same time. I'm also going to make a saddle for your kid to ride the dog. Or maybe I'll just hog tie the baby to the dog, that would be easier. I'm also getting it a tricycle. If it's too little to pedal, I'll just tape its hands and feet to the handle bars and pedals, and push it down a hill.