Puppy Sausage

Brother 2 is laying on top of the dog, talking in a baby voice.

Brother 2: I'm going to make you into sausage. Liiiiittle tiiiiiny puppy sausage. You are going to be so tasty.

Raptors

Brother 2: Aaaarh! (raptor noise)

Kyle: What the hell was that?

Brother 2: I don't have a penis. I have a raptor strapped to my waist. It gets upset when I suck in my stomach, it must be uncomfortable.

Kyle: I though your penis was made up of a bunch of worms.

Brother 2: Nah, that's Brother 1. They synchronize when he wants to have sex though.

Wolverine

Me: I have to get an MRI on my foot today, x-rays harm the baby.

Brother 1: I hope your baby isn't like Wolverine.

Me: It hasn't clawed its way out of my uterus yet. I'm pretty sure it's just a normal baby.

Brother 1: The claws could still be developing. I'm more worried about the metal skeleton. When you go in for that MRI, the magnets will rip it right out of you.

Jehovah Witnesses

Dad: Did you hear about the Jehovah Witness that's been coming around trying to get Brother 2 to join a Bible Study? He's my age. He thinks Brother 2 is adorable.

Me: He used the word adorable?

Dad: No, I'm just trying to spice things up a bit.

A Witch!

Dad: This crouton floats in my soup. It is the spawn of Satan.

Brother 2: Things that float are the spawn of Satan.

Dad: Yes. Like croutons, bread, ducks and Oprah.

Me: Are you sure Oprah floats?

Dad: Parts of her do.

Too Much Information

Somehow, hand-jobs came up in conversation.

Brother 2: Wait. I thought the whole point of getting married was that you don't have to jerk off anymore.

Kyle: Doesn't quite work that way.

Brother 2: That's surprising. Brother 1 and I are total freaks.

Texts

Brother 2 and my cousin Josh texting back and forth.

Brother 2: How's your pregnant wife doing?

Josh: Good. Tell your sister that if her wedding hadn't been so much fun, I wouldn't have gotten Sunny knocked up.

Brother 2 (with me telling him what to write): It's not her fault you don't know how to use a condom.

Josh: Look who's talking...

Brother 2: So, I think Brother 1 and I were the only ones paying attention in sex ed.

Where's Waldo

Every year, my high school takes a big group senior picture. There are about 1000 seniors this year. Brother 2, knowing the senior picture was coming up, dressed up like Waldo. I'm going to have to scan the picture in.

Me: Where are you in this?

Brother 2: Find Waldo.

Infant Stew

Brother 1: Why can't you go in the hot tub?

Me: It's too warm.

Mom: She'd boil the baby.

Me: Wow.

Brother 1: That'd probably taste pretty good...

Birthday Presents

Brother 2: A package came UPS express today, addressed to you. Is that my present?

Me: Probably. Did you open it?

Brother 2: Mom didn't want me to get a felony for tampering with your mail, so she wouldn't let me.

Showing

For those of you who don't know (random internet people), I'm about 5 months pregnant. Here are a few gems from the past couple months...

Brother 2 (rubbing my belly): Are you sure you didn't steal a watermelon?

...


Brother 2: I want to be Uncle Sausage Links!

Brother 1: I want to be Uncle Mandarin!



...


Dad (in creepiest voice ever, to my belly): I'm waiting for you!!!! I'm going to talk to you all the time so you know who I am when you're born. I already know who you are...

Puppy!

My family got a new puppy! He's a golden-doodle named Ralph. He got his name because he puked in the car on the way home. He fits in perfectly already.

Married!

The wedding was a success :)

Brother 1: We ushed the crap out of everyone!


Some favorites:

Stab

Brother 1: I'm going to stab your family members!

Dad: Can you start with my oldest son? He needs to be stabbed the most.

Cake

Me: I really wanted cake the other day, so I made a cake and wrote "Kyle is Awesome" on it. That way, Kyle would be excited when he got home from work, and I would get to eat cake.

Brother 1: You should have insulted him on it. Insult cakes are better.

Brother 2: Yeah, like "You're a butthole" cake.

Fire Anniversary

Our furnace is broken.

Brother 2: DO NOT let them fix the furnace today!!

Mom: It's cold.

Brother 2: It is the anniversary of our house burning down. Seriously, you're going to risk it?

Mom: I don't think things work that way.

Paring Knife

Mom: Have you seen my paring knife?

Brother 1: Yes. It's in my car.

Mom: What's it doing there?

Brother 1: I was paring things in my car. I had a pair for lunch today.

Porn Stars

Mom: You spelled Khym wrong.

Me: No I didn't. That's how it's spelled in the emails I get from them.

Mom: I think that's the porn star spelling.

Me: Really?

Brother 1: At your wedding, can we have Uncle M and Aunt K's porn playing on a big projector screen during the reception?

Me: Don't you think that'll be weird? They're going to be there. And a large portion of the guests are related to them. It's be awkward.

Brother 1: Please?

Genetics

Brother 1: My right testicle never moves very much. The left one flops all around though.

Brother 2: Me too!!

Brother 1: We have matching balls!

Lemonaids

Brother 1 takes a sip of my lemonade.

Brother 1: Do you have monolaids?

Me: Is that a disease?

Brother 1: It's a cross between mono and aids. Only contracted through lemonade, that's why there's a L in the middle of the word.