Paring Knife

Mom: Have you seen my paring knife?

Brother 1: Yes. It's in my car.

Mom: What's it doing there?

Brother 1: I was paring things in my car. I had a pair for lunch today.

Porn Stars

Mom: You spelled Khym wrong.

Me: No I didn't. That's how it's spelled in the emails I get from them.

Mom: I think that's the porn star spelling.

Me: Really?

Brother 1: At your wedding, can we have Uncle M and Aunt K's porn playing on a big projector screen during the reception?

Me: Don't you think that'll be weird? They're going to be there. And a large portion of the guests are related to them. It's be awkward.

Brother 1: Please?

Genetics

Brother 1: My right testicle never moves very much. The left one flops all around though.

Brother 2: Me too!!

Brother 1: We have matching balls!

Lemonaids

Brother 1 takes a sip of my lemonade.

Brother 1: Do you have monolaids?

Me: Is that a disease?

Brother 1: It's a cross between mono and aids. Only contracted through lemonade, that's why there's a L in the middle of the word.

Work Out Contest

Brother 1 and I are competing to see who can work out the most before my wedding in April.

Me: I'm beating you! I just tap danced for an hour and a half!

Brother 1: I rode my bike an hour today.

Brother 2: I masturbated for 2 hours today. Does that count?

Wedding Favors

Me: What should I give for wedding favors? Most people do mints or chocolate.

Brother 1: Yo-yo's.
Or a miniature pot roast.
Forks. No, put ribbons around the salad forks so everyone steals them!
Raffle tickets, we'll raffle off Grandma at the end of the night.

Graduation

Mike opening another graduation card: Whoa! I'm not going to get a job. I'm just going to keep graduating from things.

Incest

Brother 1: You know you can't have sex with my sister anymore.

Kyle: What?!?!?!

Brother 1: Yeah, since you're my new brother, and Vanessa is my sister, that's incest. You guys didn't think that through did you?

Wow. Flower girl is a popular position...

Me: Will you be my flower girl?

Cousin G: YES!!! Vanessa. Do you want to hear something?

Me: What?

Cousin G: When my mom told me you got engaged, I told her that I wanted to be your flower girl!

Me: Whoa, luck you, you do get to be my flower girl!

Cousin G then proceeds to interrogate me about what she's wearing, how she's going to do her hair, etc.



Brother 1: Tell Cousin G I'm mad at her for taking my position!

Me: She's 6.

Brother 1: I'm still pissed.

Flower Girls

Brother 2: Am I going to be in your wedding party?

Me: You're going to be an usher.

Brother 2: Aw! Sweet! So I can refuse to let people in?? Awesome!

Me: No! You are not a bouncer! Ushers walk people down the aisle to their seats. You make sure the little old ladies get there safely.

Brother 2: Aw. I want to be a flower girl then!



The next day:

Brother 1: Am I going to be in your wedding party?

Me: You get to be an usher.

Brother 1: But I want to be the little girl that throws flower petals and gives you your rings!

Me: That's what Brother 2 said too.

Brother 1: Ok, then we can hold hands and do it?

Me: No, you're an usher.

Brother 1: Oh! Like a bouncer!! We can have clipboards and a rope!

Me: No, you make sure the little old ladies get to their seats safely.

Brother 1: Can we have chicken fights with the old ladies?

Baboons

Dad: Whoa, it looks like a baboon rubbed its butt on my glasses. I wonder if that's possible... I did hear something in my room last night.

Christmas

Brother 1: I'm going to get you a husband for Christmas.

Me: I already found one of those.

Brother 1: We'll trade him in for a new model. Maybe one with hair.

Lies

Aunt S: How old is Kyle?

Brother 1: 40. (25)

Aunt S: How long have they been dating again?

Brother 1: 3 weeks. (8 months)

Aunt S: What does her ring look like?

Brother 1: Uh, he got it in a cracker jack box, it's kinda crappy. (a beautiful saphire)

Aunt S: Have they thought about a date yet?

Brother 1: They're getting married this weekend in Michigan. (not sure yet)

I'm Engaged!!!

Brother 2: We're going to have a set of challenges for you to complete before you can marry my sister. One of them will be skinny dipping in the Arctic. Brother 1 was able to do it, so you should be able to. Only then will you be able to be my brother.

Thanksgiving

Brother 1 can't come home for Thanksgiving.

Brother 1: Dad told me that making Thanksgiving dinner just for myself is worse than drinking alone.

Toes

Dad: Nice toe nails.

Me: I need to cut them, can you get me the clippers?

Dad: Let me get the butcher knife.

Drinking

Last weekend I went to the Marine Birthday Ball with my great grandpa, he was a Marine in Korea, and was honored for being the oldest Marine in attendance. We were drinking from the time I got off the plane on Thursday until Sunday night when I left.

Gramps: I went to the doctor today. She said my blood is 90% alcohol and 10% blood.

A Few Favorites

Happy Halloween!

Cousin J

Pajamas

Dad: I stopped wearing pajamas when I was a year and a half old. I've been sleeping naked since I was potty trained!