Ouch

Brother 2 (threatening me): I'm going to sell your kidney on EBay!

Answering Services

I'm calling Brother 1, he picks up, I recognize his voice...

Brother 1: I'm sorry, no one is available to take your call, please leave a message after the tone. BEEEEEEEP.

Me: Hi.

Brother 1: Hi.

Super El Diablo

Ok, some back story on this one: First, Brother 1 wanted to trade cars with me this semester 'cause he had a crazy psycho trying to attack him. Second, all our family cars have names:
Brother 1's red truck: El Diablo
Dad's green truck: The Green Monster
Mom's black van: Black Sable.

Me: You should be really happy I didn't want to pay twice as much money for gas.

Brother 1: Why?

Me: 'Cause then I would have switched cars with you, and El Diablo would have been melted to the driveway instead of my Honda.

Brother 1: Nah... El Diablo would have saved the day. He would have smelled smoke, opened the garage door, pulled The Green Monster to safety, and put out Black Sable. If you had traded cars with me, the house would be perfectly fine.

Stories

Brother 2: So, you broke up with that guy from South Africa?

Me: What? You mean the guy that went on vacation to South Africa?

Brother 2: Yeah. Dad said you dumped him.

Me: No, we're still dating...

Mom: Your father wants you to tell him what's going on in your life so he can stop making up stories.

Me: See, I'm just getting used to telling you guys stuff. I didn't before because you would make fun of me.

Dad: Well, you need to start telling me what's going on in your life so I can start making fun of you again.

Real Simple

Mom picked up our mail from the post office the other day and her Real Simple magazine in the mail. The cover story was "10 Ways to Declutter your Home".

Mom: Number 1, burn your house to the ground.

House

So, our house burned down last night (probably caused by the cruise control thingy Ford just recalled... they told us to bring it in "at our earliest convenience") While it sucks, everyone made it out ok (even the dog and the turtles). I'm glad my family has a sense of humor though, or the situation would have been a lot more stressful.

Mom: At least I don't have to clean out my closets now.

--

Brother 2: We should buy something awesome with the insurance money.

Me: Like what?

Brother 2: How about a cannon?

--

Brother 1: Haha! You're homeless!

Brother 2: So are you.

Brother 1: Shit. That's right.

Names

Dad: Get over here Cootie Tuberculousis!

Me: I thought it was Cootie Gonorrhea...

Dad: Gonorrhea is your middle name.

Basements

Brother 2: Is there a limit on how many stories your basement can go down?

Cousin J: I hope not! My basement is going to be 15 stories deep. The bottom floor is going to be a graveyard. People who die in my house will be buried there. And I'm going to hire an old, ugly man to carry around a dirty shovel and yell at people not to go any further. And I'm going to hire a really really fat man to run around in his whitey tighteys and raid my refrigerator.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We talked Mom into celebrating Thanksgiving instead of Easter this year. So we have turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, apple pie, broccoli casserole, and jello. You know you're jealous.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

We had a St. Patrick's Day Festival on Sunday, and drank green beer from 1 in the afternoon until 4 in the morning.

Brother 1: I really like St. Patrick. He's the only saint I believe in. Besides Santa and the Easter Bunny, of course.

Me: Hmmm.... but doesn't God make saints or something? How can you believe in St. Patrick if you don't believe in God?

Brother 1: Nope, St. Patrick was the only saint not created that way. He became a saint through excessive alcohol consumption.

Voice Mail

Brother 1 was drunk and kept calling our cousin Josh, which is pointless, since he's deaf.

Brother 1: Why weren't you answering my calls!?!?!

Josh: Dumbass.

Brother 1: Wait. How do you speak sign language on voice mail? I need to learn.

Cock

Brother 1: I wish my cock was longer than 2 and a half inches.

Brother 2: Yeah, having a 13 inch penis is really useful.

Blaine: What makes it useful?

Brother 1: He has a shovel attachment, he can shovel the whole driveway in one stroke.

Memorial

We went on the 2nd Annual Grandpa Gorgo Memorial Bicycle Excursion today. It was freezing.

Mom: Who's idea was this??

Me: Grandpa Gorgo's.

Mom: Why couldn't he have died in May or June??

T-Shirts

Brother 1 is wearing a t-shirt I bought him.

Me: Nice shirt.

Brother 1: Thanks. Some whore bought it for me.

Lava

Dad: I wish I had lava fingers so I could go "chhhhhhhh" and burn you. Like little cigarette burns all over your forehead.

Greek Names

9:30 on a Saturday morning, Dad wakes me up.

Dad: I came up with your Greek name!

Me: What?

Dad: Cootie Gonorrhecious.

Colonoscopy

Dad: I'm going to eat tons of creamed spinach before my colonoscopy. It'll be like a kelp forest in my colon! Go find me some legos!

-laughing hysterically.

The lego monkey! Or the lego scuba man! They'll find a monkey in a kelp forest!

Beef Jerkey

Brother 2: Beef jerky is God's poop.

Me: Really?

Brother 2: Why do you think it tastes so good?

Jobs

Brother 2: What should I be when I grow up?

Cousin J: You should write dirty novels.

Brother 2: Ok.

Cousin J: Novels about the sex lives of old cartoon characters. Like Scooby Doo.

Serenade

Dad (singing): la la la la la la la la
serenade
serenade
serenade grenade
blows up in your ear