Swelling

Dad: I need you to go walk in the mud outside, so I can make plaster casts of your footprints and sell them as Sasquash feet.

Ew.

Brother 1: I want to see your belly right after you deliver. Will you have a huge flap of skin?

Me: I've heard you usually leave the hospital still looking 5 months pregnant. It takes a few weeks for your uterus to go back to normal.

Brother 2: Will you be walking around queefing?

Brother 1: Wow.

Fluids

Me: I hope my water breaks tonight.

Brother 2: I DO NOT need to hear about your vaginal fluids!

Cankles

Kyle: Be careful walking here, the ground is pretty uneven. You don't want to roll a cankle.

I Have a Person Inside Me

We call Brother 1 a rhino, because he is a rhino.

Brother 1: I'm at 199 pounds! Sweet!

Me: Shit. You can't loose more than five pounds before the baby is born.

Brother 1: Will I weigh less than you?!?! I'm going on the Lemonade Diet! I'm going to lose 10 pounds in a week, and start calling you Rhino!

Beatles

Dad: You should have gotten up earlier today. Vanessa and I got to watch 80's music videos on VH1.

Me: And British 1 hit wonders!

Dad: But then, a Paul McCartney concert came on. It gave me really horrible diarrhea.

Thanks...

Mom: What were you wearing on Saturday?

Me: A dress... why?

Mom: Well, Brother 1 said that he was a little embarrassed when you guys were out to dinner at that fancy restaurant, 'cause he was in a t-shirt. I asked him what you were wearing, and he said, "One of those pregnant muumuu things."

Nursery

Me: Ok, we've got the crib and mattress, some sheets for the bassinet. Can you think of anything else our nursery needs that we didn't register for?

Kyle: More monkeys. There are definitely not enough monkeys in the nursery.



And that's how we ended up doing one entire wall in monkey decals :)

Halo

Brother 1: Isn't that Brother 2's Halo 3 t-shirt?

Me: None of my t-shirts fit me anymore. And this one is soft and comfy.

Rich: At least you know the baby will be a Halo player.

Brother 1, rubs my belly: Hello Master Chief.

Vampires

I worked all day removing a bunch of stuff from this photograph for a hotel advertisement, and was really happy with how it turned out, so I emailed it to a few people to show it off.

before:


after:



Response from Brother 1:
WoW. Everyone knows that with the new special camera you were using it is possible to take pictures of Vampires. The only problem is that photoshop has a hard time discerning the individual pixels of the ghostly figure. Thus, No Vampire in the photoshopped image.

Pork Chawesome AND YOU!!!!

Recipe I received from Brother 1:

The first step to pork chawesome is to get some pork.
The second step to pork chawesome is to get some chawesome.
Your probably thinking where do i get some chawesome, Is it in isle 8 of my grocery store?
NO!!!

To make Chawesome just take Italian bread crumbs and mix them with more italian seasoning and Parmesan Cheese.

Violently slap the pork into a plate of some kind of oil, preferably not motor oil.
Drip off extra oil and punt the oiled pork into the Chawesome covering them thoroughly.
Place in the oven for 25- 45 min. Pork is very nice because it doesn't care how long you cook it for.
Pork + Chawesome + Heat = Pork Chawesome

So you've made pork chawesome but dont have any sides?
Recomended sides - Mushroom rice
pee's or green beans
Corn is terrible with pork chawesome
if you suggested corn I would not allow you to eat any of my Chawesome Pork

Never Allowed to Babysit

Brother 1: When I babysit your kid, I'm going to duct tape it to the wall above the TV. That way I can watch both at the same time. I'm also going to make a saddle for your kid to ride the dog. Or maybe I'll just hog tie the baby to the dog, that would be easier. I'm also getting it a tricycle. If it's too little to pedal, I'll just tape its hands and feet to the handle bars and pedals, and push it down a hill.

Puppy Sausage

Brother 2 is laying on top of the dog, talking in a baby voice.

Brother 2: I'm going to make you into sausage. Liiiiittle tiiiiiny puppy sausage. You are going to be so tasty.

Raptors

Brother 2: Aaaarh! (raptor noise)

Kyle: What the hell was that?

Brother 2: I don't have a penis. I have a raptor strapped to my waist. It gets upset when I suck in my stomach, it must be uncomfortable.

Kyle: I though your penis was made up of a bunch of worms.

Brother 2: Nah, that's Brother 1. They synchronize when he wants to have sex though.

Wolverine

Me: I have to get an MRI on my foot today, x-rays harm the baby.

Brother 1: I hope your baby isn't like Wolverine.

Me: It hasn't clawed its way out of my uterus yet. I'm pretty sure it's just a normal baby.

Brother 1: The claws could still be developing. I'm more worried about the metal skeleton. When you go in for that MRI, the magnets will rip it right out of you.

Jehovah Witnesses

Dad: Did you hear about the Jehovah Witness that's been coming around trying to get Brother 2 to join a Bible Study? He's my age. He thinks Brother 2 is adorable.

Me: He used the word adorable?

Dad: No, I'm just trying to spice things up a bit.

A Witch!

Dad: This crouton floats in my soup. It is the spawn of Satan.

Brother 2: Things that float are the spawn of Satan.

Dad: Yes. Like croutons, bread, ducks and Oprah.

Me: Are you sure Oprah floats?

Dad: Parts of her do.

Too Much Information

Somehow, hand-jobs came up in conversation.

Brother 2: Wait. I thought the whole point of getting married was that you don't have to jerk off anymore.

Kyle: Doesn't quite work that way.

Brother 2: That's surprising. Brother 1 and I are total freaks.

Texts

Brother 2 and my cousin Josh texting back and forth.

Brother 2: How's your pregnant wife doing?

Josh: Good. Tell your sister that if her wedding hadn't been so much fun, I wouldn't have gotten Sunny knocked up.

Brother 2 (with me telling him what to write): It's not her fault you don't know how to use a condom.

Josh: Look who's talking...

Brother 2: So, I think Brother 1 and I were the only ones paying attention in sex ed.

Where's Waldo

Every year, my high school takes a big group senior picture. There are about 1000 seniors this year. Brother 2, knowing the senior picture was coming up, dressed up like Waldo. I'm going to have to scan the picture in.

Me: Where are you in this?

Brother 2: Find Waldo.