Lucky

Mom: You're so lucky. You could have ended up with one of those evil moms who would beat you and lock you in the closet. You're lucky you ended up with me instead.

Correction

So my Dad read my blog, and had some minor corrections he wanted to make to his rap. He also added another verse about Louisiana, 'cause he saw this HBO special about how the Katrina victims were screwed by everyone, and are now being screwed by their insurance companies too. He says that if he can get M.C. Hammer to produce this song, he'll donate all the money he makes to the Katrina Fund.

He wrote it down for me so I wouldn't forget:

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Me: What did you get me for my birthday???

Brother 2: A wenis cleaner.

Me: What's a wenis??

Brother 2: You know, the skin underneath your elbow.

My Education Was A Waste

So, after 4 years at this fine institution, I'm home working full time for my dad's business while I search endlessly for a job in my field (photography... have any connections??)

I was moving giant gears around with one of these:

Dad: I think you were better at driving the fork truck before you went to college. Didn't they teach you anything there? After 4 years at college, you should be an expert fork truck driver.

Beef Jerky

Brother 2: The cup holders on this hot tub are nice, but what it really needs is a holder for my bag of beef jerky.

Insanely Strong

I look over, Brother 2 is hugging the TV.

Brother 2: Watch this, I'm going to pick it with my penis.

Rappers Delight

I was standing in the kitchen, when my Dad walked in, rapping:

"I was doing the Pajama-Wamma
In the slamma
In Alabama
With your grandma
And M.C. Hammaaaaaaa"

It's an original, he made it up at work.

Warts in your Mouth

Me: Aww! No! No! Stop! Get that our of your mouth!!!

Dad: Sorry, I didn't have a toothpick.


He was picking his teeth with the nail file attached to the toe nail clippers.

Check Mark

Voicemail on my phone from Brother 1:

Um... so I was just calling to ask if you knew where Check Mark was. There's this note here that says that Check Mark went to Brieanne's house, but he was supposed to be here playing video games with me. So, I guess if you see Check Mark, tell him we're looking for him.



-I left my mom a quick note when I left the house, "I went to Brieanne's. -V" I made the mistake not writing my whole name

Children Aren't Waterproof

My mom got a hot tub for her birthday. In the packaging, was a pamphlet on water safety. Here is the cover:

Breaking Out In Song

Brother 2: Isn't that ironic?

Brother 1: That isn't a word.

Brother 2: Irony? Yes it is.

I rony... I rony all night and day

I rony... I rony so far away

Dedicated To That Kid Down The Street

It poured yesterday in Chicago, we got so much rain that all the ditches flooded, and the creek was 3 feet deep instead of 1. So, of course, the brothers decided it was perfect weather to ride our bikes in.

Riding through a ditch in water up to our waists when topic turned to a neighbor friend, we'll call him Mike O.:

Brother 1: Be careful, you don't want to get VD.

Me: What?

Brother 1: VD, you know... VD, short for Venereal Disease, short for Vag Disease. And contrary to popular belief, penises can get it too. Like Mrs. O used to always say, "Don't play in the creek!!! You'll get VD!!!", Mike has to wear a condom when he plays in the creek.

Happy Birthday Mom!

It's my mom's 50th birthday today... look what her friends did to our house:

Nicknames

Brother 1: You don't want to be too skinny.

Cousin K: I like that look, really slim.

Me: Yeah, but you don't want to get so skinny that your head looks really big.

Brother 1: Yeah, like you did when you were dancing all the time in high school.

Me: What?

Brother 1: Yeah, that's why we used to call you Big Head. Now we just call you Big Ass.

Safety Dance

We're in the car, driving home, having a (somewhat) normal conversation, when all the boys stop midsentence.

Brother 1: I love this song!

And then they proceeded to dance and sing the entire Safety Dance song.

Heroin

Brother 2: Mom, I'm going to ride my bike to the bagel shop to get a bagel.

Mom: Are you sure that's where you're going? You're not going to do heroin are you?

Brad Pitt

I was telling my brother about John's experience at work the other day. (Ask him about it, it's a funny story)

Brother 1: If I ever meet anyone famous, I'm going to act like I have no clue who they are. Like if I ran into Brad Pitt, our conversation would go like this:

B1: Hi! So you say you're an actor? Have you done anything I would have seen?

Brad Pitt: Troy.

B1: Oh, I didn't see that one, it got really bad reviews. What were you, an extra?

Brad Pitt: No, I was the lead. Did you see Ocean's 11?

B1: Maybe... wait! That's the one with the old guy, the one the girls think is cute...

Brad Pitt: George Clooney?

B1: Yeah! I saw that one, he really carried that movie along. It would have been horrible without him. So, do you have a girlfriend?

Brad Pitt: Yeah, Angelina Jolie.

B1: Ehhh... Not recognizing the name....

Brad Pitt: She was in Tomb Raider.

B1: Oh yeah! She's so hot!! Jennifer Love Hewitt, right?

Brad Pitt: No... Angelina Jolie.

B1: No, no, that was definitely Jennifer Love Hewitt, she's a babe.

Knee Sex

Cousin K: Last time I was at the beach, I exfoliated my knees with the sand.

Brother 1: What? Does that turn you on? Ohhhhhh look at how smooth my knees are! I love it when my knees are smooth, sometimes I go upstairs, take off all my clothes, and sit on the couch rubbing my knees together. Ohhhhhhhhh yeahhh!!! Uh uh uh uh uh!!! Ahhhhhhh. (about 5 minutes of sex noises)

Brother 2: You're so gross.

Brother 1: Yeah, and then Mom comes upstairs and is like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Arm Surgery

Brother 1: You know how people with growth disorders get surgery, where they break their arms and legs to make them longer? Do you think we could find a doctor that could do that to me?

Me: Probably, if you pay him enough. Why?

Brother 1: 'Cause wouldn't it be awesome if my arms were really long? Then I'd be able to scratch my knees while I was standing up. And put sunscreen on the middle of my back.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: Or, I could cut off my left arm, I don't use it that much anyway, and transplant it onto my right arm, so it would be twice as long.

Me: And you could just fold it up along your joints when you didn't need it.

Brother 1: Exactly.

Giant Penis

We're all sitting around our gigantic sand hole, resting, when I look over at Brother 1 sitting in the sand. He has a giant sand penis coming out of the leg of his swim trunks. It reaches past his knees.

Brother 1: Whoa, that was getting claustrophobic, I'm glad I got all the sand off.