Lullaby

Mom: I could hear you singing to Violet while you were giving her a bath. What were you singing?!?

Kyle: The ghostbusters theme.

Brown Squirrel

Kyle: Vanessa discriminates. She only likes guys with huge dicks.

Brother 2: That's true. That's why she won't sleep with Brother 1 and I.

Me: Not because it's incest and you're gross?

Brother 2: No, it's 'cause Brother 1 and I are hung like brown squirrels.

Religion

You can tell how religious we are...

Me: Do you think Jesus' sperm had magical powers?

Kyle: Yeah, he impregnated the Virgin Mary with them.

Me: I think Mary was his mother...

Kyle: Oops, ew, gross.

Babysitters

Me (calling to check on Violet): What are you guys up to?

Brother 1: We're just watching cartoons and killing zombies.

Avatar

Kyle: I want to be an avatar!

Me: But how would you communicate with the trees and animals? You don't have hair to connect.

Kyle: I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as male pattern baldness on that planet.

Kitties

Kyle (playing with Violet): What sound does a kitty make? Reeeaaaaarrrrwwww!!!!

Me: Whoa. My kitties say meow...

Kyle: All my animals have rabies.

Sideburns

Brother 1: Have you seen Brother 2's sideburns? He looks like Wolverine with cancer.

Halloween!

Lullaby

Kyle makes up songs for Violet. Here's the latest:

I'm your dad.
I'm so glad, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I would never give you up to an orphanage, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I wouldn't give you to a homeless man on the street, 'cause I'm your dad.
Even if he looked lonely.
'Cause I'm your dad.

Phone Calls

Mom and Brother 2 are on the phone.

Mom: Here, talk to Violet.

She holds the phone up to Violet's ear, and you can hear Brother 2 saying stuff to her.

Violet: (Crazy laughing horse noise)

Brother 2: What the hell was that?!?

Facebook

Everyone has facebook, including my Grandma.

Brother 2's status update: Does not enjoy cock, other than his own.

Grandma's response: Glad to hear it! Maybe you don't want to share with everyone. Love you. Gram

Uncles

Look what she has to put up with...

Violet

Violet Cynthia was born on 9-9-09 (awesome birthday!) at 7:27 am. She weighs 7 lbs 8 oz and is 21 inches long :)

Swelling

Dad: I need you to go walk in the mud outside, so I can make plaster casts of your footprints and sell them as Sasquash feet.

Ew.

Brother 1: I want to see your belly right after you deliver. Will you have a huge flap of skin?

Me: I've heard you usually leave the hospital still looking 5 months pregnant. It takes a few weeks for your uterus to go back to normal.

Brother 2: Will you be walking around queefing?

Brother 1: Wow.

Fluids

Me: I hope my water breaks tonight.

Brother 2: I DO NOT need to hear about your vaginal fluids!

Cankles

Kyle: Be careful walking here, the ground is pretty uneven. You don't want to roll a cankle.

I Have a Person Inside Me

We call Brother 1 a rhino, because he is a rhino.

Brother 1: I'm at 199 pounds! Sweet!

Me: Shit. You can't loose more than five pounds before the baby is born.

Brother 1: Will I weigh less than you?!?! I'm going on the Lemonade Diet! I'm going to lose 10 pounds in a week, and start calling you Rhino!

Beatles

Dad: You should have gotten up earlier today. Vanessa and I got to watch 80's music videos on VH1.

Me: And British 1 hit wonders!

Dad: But then, a Paul McCartney concert came on. It gave me really horrible diarrhea.

Thanks...

Mom: What were you wearing on Saturday?

Me: A dress... why?

Mom: Well, Brother 1 said that he was a little embarrassed when you guys were out to dinner at that fancy restaurant, 'cause he was in a t-shirt. I asked him what you were wearing, and he said, "One of those pregnant muumuu things."

Nursery

Me: Ok, we've got the crib and mattress, some sheets for the bassinet. Can you think of anything else our nursery needs that we didn't register for?

Kyle: More monkeys. There are definitely not enough monkeys in the nursery.



And that's how we ended up doing one entire wall in monkey decals :)

Halo

Brother 1: Isn't that Brother 2's Halo 3 t-shirt?

Me: None of my t-shirts fit me anymore. And this one is soft and comfy.

Rich: At least you know the baby will be a Halo player.

Brother 1, rubs my belly: Hello Master Chief.

Vampires

I worked all day removing a bunch of stuff from this photograph for a hotel advertisement, and was really happy with how it turned out, so I emailed it to a few people to show it off.

before:


after:



Response from Brother 1:
WoW. Everyone knows that with the new special camera you were using it is possible to take pictures of Vampires. The only problem is that photoshop has a hard time discerning the individual pixels of the ghostly figure. Thus, No Vampire in the photoshopped image.

Pork Chawesome AND YOU!!!!

Recipe I received from Brother 1:

The first step to pork chawesome is to get some pork.
The second step to pork chawesome is to get some chawesome.
Your probably thinking where do i get some chawesome, Is it in isle 8 of my grocery store?
NO!!!

To make Chawesome just take Italian bread crumbs and mix them with more italian seasoning and Parmesan Cheese.

Violently slap the pork into a plate of some kind of oil, preferably not motor oil.
Drip off extra oil and punt the oiled pork into the Chawesome covering them thoroughly.
Place in the oven for 25- 45 min. Pork is very nice because it doesn't care how long you cook it for.
Pork + Chawesome + Heat = Pork Chawesome

So you've made pork chawesome but dont have any sides?
Recomended sides - Mushroom rice
pee's or green beans
Corn is terrible with pork chawesome
if you suggested corn I would not allow you to eat any of my Chawesome Pork

Never Allowed to Babysit

Brother 1: When I babysit your kid, I'm going to duct tape it to the wall above the TV. That way I can watch both at the same time. I'm also going to make a saddle for your kid to ride the dog. Or maybe I'll just hog tie the baby to the dog, that would be easier. I'm also getting it a tricycle. If it's too little to pedal, I'll just tape its hands and feet to the handle bars and pedals, and push it down a hill.

Puppy Sausage

Brother 2 is laying on top of the dog, talking in a baby voice.

Brother 2: I'm going to make you into sausage. Liiiiittle tiiiiiny puppy sausage. You are going to be so tasty.

Raptors

Brother 2: Aaaarh! (raptor noise)

Kyle: What the hell was that?

Brother 2: I don't have a penis. I have a raptor strapped to my waist. It gets upset when I suck in my stomach, it must be uncomfortable.

Kyle: I though your penis was made up of a bunch of worms.

Brother 2: Nah, that's Brother 1. They synchronize when he wants to have sex though.

Wolverine

Me: I have to get an MRI on my foot today, x-rays harm the baby.

Brother 1: I hope your baby isn't like Wolverine.

Me: It hasn't clawed its way out of my uterus yet. I'm pretty sure it's just a normal baby.

Brother 1: The claws could still be developing. I'm more worried about the metal skeleton. When you go in for that MRI, the magnets will rip it right out of you.

Jehovah Witnesses

Dad: Did you hear about the Jehovah Witness that's been coming around trying to get Brother 2 to join a Bible Study? He's my age. He thinks Brother 2 is adorable.

Me: He used the word adorable?

Dad: No, I'm just trying to spice things up a bit.

A Witch!

Dad: This crouton floats in my soup. It is the spawn of Satan.

Brother 2: Things that float are the spawn of Satan.

Dad: Yes. Like croutons, bread, ducks and Oprah.

Me: Are you sure Oprah floats?

Dad: Parts of her do.

Too Much Information

Somehow, hand-jobs came up in conversation.

Brother 2: Wait. I thought the whole point of getting married was that you don't have to jerk off anymore.

Kyle: Doesn't quite work that way.

Brother 2: That's surprising. Brother 1 and I are total freaks.

Texts

Brother 2 and my cousin Josh texting back and forth.

Brother 2: How's your pregnant wife doing?

Josh: Good. Tell your sister that if her wedding hadn't been so much fun, I wouldn't have gotten Sunny knocked up.

Brother 2 (with me telling him what to write): It's not her fault you don't know how to use a condom.

Josh: Look who's talking...

Brother 2: So, I think Brother 1 and I were the only ones paying attention in sex ed.

Where's Waldo

Every year, my high school takes a big group senior picture. There are about 1000 seniors this year. Brother 2, knowing the senior picture was coming up, dressed up like Waldo. I'm going to have to scan the picture in.

Me: Where are you in this?

Brother 2: Find Waldo.

Infant Stew

Brother 1: Why can't you go in the hot tub?

Me: It's too warm.

Mom: She'd boil the baby.

Me: Wow.

Brother 1: That'd probably taste pretty good...

Birthday Presents

Brother 2: A package came UPS express today, addressed to you. Is that my present?

Me: Probably. Did you open it?

Brother 2: Mom didn't want me to get a felony for tampering with your mail, so she wouldn't let me.

Showing

For those of you who don't know (random internet people), I'm about 5 months pregnant. Here are a few gems from the past couple months...

Brother 2 (rubbing my belly): Are you sure you didn't steal a watermelon?

...


Brother 2: I want to be Uncle Sausage Links!

Brother 1: I want to be Uncle Mandarin!



...


Dad (in creepiest voice ever, to my belly): I'm waiting for you!!!! I'm going to talk to you all the time so you know who I am when you're born. I already know who you are...

Puppy!

My family got a new puppy! He's a golden-doodle named Ralph. He got his name because he puked in the car on the way home. He fits in perfectly already.

Married!

The wedding was a success :)

Brother 1: We ushed the crap out of everyone!


Some favorites:

Stab

Brother 1: I'm going to stab your family members!

Dad: Can you start with my oldest son? He needs to be stabbed the most.

Cake

Me: I really wanted cake the other day, so I made a cake and wrote "Kyle is Awesome" on it. That way, Kyle would be excited when he got home from work, and I would get to eat cake.

Brother 1: You should have insulted him on it. Insult cakes are better.

Brother 2: Yeah, like "You're a butthole" cake.

Fire Anniversary

Our furnace is broken.

Brother 2: DO NOT let them fix the furnace today!!

Mom: It's cold.

Brother 2: It is the anniversary of our house burning down. Seriously, you're going to risk it?

Mom: I don't think things work that way.

Paring Knife

Mom: Have you seen my paring knife?

Brother 1: Yes. It's in my car.

Mom: What's it doing there?

Brother 1: I was paring things in my car. I had a pair for lunch today.

Porn Stars

Mom: You spelled Khym wrong.

Me: No I didn't. That's how it's spelled in the emails I get from them.

Mom: I think that's the porn star spelling.

Me: Really?

Brother 1: At your wedding, can we have Uncle M and Aunt K's porn playing on a big projector screen during the reception?

Me: Don't you think that'll be weird? They're going to be there. And a large portion of the guests are related to them. It's be awkward.

Brother 1: Please?

Genetics

Brother 1: My right testicle never moves very much. The left one flops all around though.

Brother 2: Me too!!

Brother 1: We have matching balls!

Lemonaids

Brother 1 takes a sip of my lemonade.

Brother 1: Do you have monolaids?

Me: Is that a disease?

Brother 1: It's a cross between mono and aids. Only contracted through lemonade, that's why there's a L in the middle of the word.

Work Out Contest

Brother 1 and I are competing to see who can work out the most before my wedding in April.

Me: I'm beating you! I just tap danced for an hour and a half!

Brother 1: I rode my bike an hour today.

Brother 2: I masturbated for 2 hours today. Does that count?

Wedding Favors

Me: What should I give for wedding favors? Most people do mints or chocolate.

Brother 1: Yo-yo's.
Or a miniature pot roast.
Forks. No, put ribbons around the salad forks so everyone steals them!
Raffle tickets, we'll raffle off Grandma at the end of the night.

Graduation

Mike opening another graduation card: Whoa! I'm not going to get a job. I'm just going to keep graduating from things.

Incest

Brother 1: You know you can't have sex with my sister anymore.

Kyle: What?!?!?!

Brother 1: Yeah, since you're my new brother, and Vanessa is my sister, that's incest. You guys didn't think that through did you?

Wow. Flower girl is a popular position...

Me: Will you be my flower girl?

Cousin G: YES!!! Vanessa. Do you want to hear something?

Me: What?

Cousin G: When my mom told me you got engaged, I told her that I wanted to be your flower girl!

Me: Whoa, luck you, you do get to be my flower girl!

Cousin G then proceeds to interrogate me about what she's wearing, how she's going to do her hair, etc.



Brother 1: Tell Cousin G I'm mad at her for taking my position!

Me: She's 6.

Brother 1: I'm still pissed.

Flower Girls

Brother 2: Am I going to be in your wedding party?

Me: You're going to be an usher.

Brother 2: Aw! Sweet! So I can refuse to let people in?? Awesome!

Me: No! You are not a bouncer! Ushers walk people down the aisle to their seats. You make sure the little old ladies get there safely.

Brother 2: Aw. I want to be a flower girl then!



The next day:

Brother 1: Am I going to be in your wedding party?

Me: You get to be an usher.

Brother 1: But I want to be the little girl that throws flower petals and gives you your rings!

Me: That's what Brother 2 said too.

Brother 1: Ok, then we can hold hands and do it?

Me: No, you're an usher.

Brother 1: Oh! Like a bouncer!! We can have clipboards and a rope!

Me: No, you make sure the little old ladies get to their seats safely.

Brother 1: Can we have chicken fights with the old ladies?

Baboons

Dad: Whoa, it looks like a baboon rubbed its butt on my glasses. I wonder if that's possible... I did hear something in my room last night.

Christmas

Brother 1: I'm going to get you a husband for Christmas.

Me: I already found one of those.

Brother 1: We'll trade him in for a new model. Maybe one with hair.

Lies

Aunt S: How old is Kyle?

Brother 1: 40. (25)

Aunt S: How long have they been dating again?

Brother 1: 3 weeks. (8 months)

Aunt S: What does her ring look like?

Brother 1: Uh, he got it in a cracker jack box, it's kinda crappy. (a beautiful saphire)

Aunt S: Have they thought about a date yet?

Brother 1: They're getting married this weekend in Michigan. (not sure yet)

I'm Engaged!!!

Brother 2: We're going to have a set of challenges for you to complete before you can marry my sister. One of them will be skinny dipping in the Arctic. Brother 1 was able to do it, so you should be able to. Only then will you be able to be my brother.

Thanksgiving

Brother 1 can't come home for Thanksgiving.

Brother 1: Dad told me that making Thanksgiving dinner just for myself is worse than drinking alone.

Toes

Dad: Nice toe nails.

Me: I need to cut them, can you get me the clippers?

Dad: Let me get the butcher knife.

Drinking

Last weekend I went to the Marine Birthday Ball with my great grandpa, he was a Marine in Korea, and was honored for being the oldest Marine in attendance. We were drinking from the time I got off the plane on Thursday until Sunday night when I left.

Gramps: I went to the doctor today. She said my blood is 90% alcohol and 10% blood.

A Few Favorites

Happy Halloween!

Cousin J

Pajamas

Dad: I stopped wearing pajamas when I was a year and a half old. I've been sleeping naked since I was potty trained!

Puppies

Me: We need to get a puppy, I wish we didn't have to wait until we had a house.

Brother 1: When I get home I'm getting 7 puppies.

Jinx

Watching The Island, where these people are basically bred for spare parts.

Brother 2: Why is his name Echo 16? What does Echo stand for?

Cousin S: I think they name them by the year they were born, so the Echo guys are all 3 years old, and numbered, so they can keep track of them.

Brother 2 and Cousin J, simultaneously: I thought it was because he liked to have sex with dolphins.

Brother 2: Jinx.

Cars

Brother 1: When I get a job, I'm trading in my truck for a Dodge Charger.

Me: Isn't that just like your truck?

Brother 1: No, it's a 4 door, with a V8.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: It's like if my truck and your Honda had sexual relations, this is the car that would be born.

Pee

Brother 1: Did you know that if you pee in the toilet and don't flush for a long time, it'll smell like pork chops?

Passwords

Me: Ok, I'm at the login, what's your password?

Brother 1: Your name.

Me: Your password is my name???

Brother 1: Yep.

Aquaman

Dad: I'm almost done with my water. I've started drinking water now, instead of a second cup of coffee.

Me: That's good.

Dad: Yeah, sometimes I drink TWO cups of water. I'm trying to become Aquaman.

Farts

Me: Can you ground Brother 2? He just farted on my leg.

Dad: Was it a good fart or a bad fart?

Me: Bad.

Dad: Well, that's good then, we should probably encourage him, and give him a dollar, like the tooth fairy.

Golden Retrievers

Brother 1: When I get a dog, I hope it's half as nice as Buddy. I'm definitely getting a golden. Golden Retrievers are the best dogs.

Me: What about Sarah (Cousin J's golden retriever), she's kinda crazy?

Brother 1: That's 'cause Sarah is a girl dog, I'm getting a boy dog. Girl dogs are like girl humans. They go through heat and hump walls and doors.

Me: Girl humans go through heat and hump doors?

Brother 1: Yeah. Why do you think you're always humping stuff?

Economy

Brother 2: Do you think heaven is in a recession too?

Holidays

Me: I'm going to kick you in the face.

Dad: That's not allowed on Bushy Eyebrow Day!

Guts

Dad: Your mother hates my guts. She won't answer my phone calls.

Sticks

Me: Your wife is slacking, she hasn't given me a pay check in weeks.

Dad: You're going to have to yell at her! "Do your job!" but nicer, like by poking her with a pointy stick.

Serial Killer

Brother 1: I'm pretty sure your boyfriend is a serial killer.

Me: Really? Uh oh.

Brother 1: Yeah, he's going to kill you.

Me: Will you protect me?

Brother 1: Only if he tries to murder you at home. If you murders you at his house, there's nothing I can do.

Me: So you're just going to let me die.

Brother 1: Well, if you suddenly disappear, I'll go after him.

What?

Brother 2: Dad! Your wife is trying to bite off my nipples!

Free Chiropractic Care

Brother 1: Did you ever fart so hard it cracked your back?

Herpes

Mom: Do you want to try this new chapstick?

Brother 2: Ok.

Mom: Wait, do you have herpes?

Boogers

Brother 2: How do you pick your nose with such small nostrils?

Me: I have tiny fingers.

Brother 2: My nostrils are huge, I can reach the boogers on my brain. I clean them off every once in a while, it makes me smarter.

Fashion Advice

Dad: Women should not wear brown clothes. It makes them look like giant turds.

Dead People

Mom: Everyone came to visit me last night! Granny, my dad, Buddy, and Grandma, but she was really crabby.

Brother 2: No wonder she was crabby, she was in a dream with all dead people. She was probably like, "I'm not dead yet! Why am I here?!"

Underwear

Brother 2: I'm so tired. I just rode my bike 15 miles in the rain through the mud.

Me, my boyfriend, and his sister just stare at him.

Brother 2: Yes. I'm in my underwear.

Paying Attention

Dad (poking me in the head): What's that?

Me: The back of my earring.

Dad: When did you get that done?

Me: Uh, 7th grade.

Goldfish, Part 2

Mom: Rudy ate all his food out of my hand today!

Me: Really? Your training is working!

Mom: Rudy really likes pizza.

Goldfish

Mom: I got Rudy to eat out of my hand!!

Me: Your training worked?

Mom: Yeah, but only once, we're going to have to work with him a little more to get him to come up to the top and eat.


Yep, Mom's training her goldfish. She must really miss Buddy.

Hotels

Me: I found you and Mom a hotel. Give me your credit card.

Dad: Ok. Don't tell your mother where we're staying.

Me: It's a suprise?

Dad: I'm taking someone else...

Where?

Brother 1: Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!
Balls! Where? On your face!

Raptors

I was laying on the floor petting the dog and Mom pretended to step on me.

Mom: EEE EEEE EEEE!

Me: Why do your feet make stabbing noises when you step on me?

Mom: I don't know, maybe I have pointy feet like a raptor.

Excel

Me: I need to call Brother 1.

Dad: Why?

Me: 'Cause he knows lots of stuff about Excel and could teach me how to add up this column really easy.

Dad: You don't know how to do that?

Me: No.

Dad: You must be an idiot.

Me: Thanks.

Songwriters

Brother 2 (singing): I love pizza
I like bagels
I like hotdogs with ketchup and cheese
I'm so hungry I could eat a baby
But I think I'll have a bagel instead

Richard Harris

I didn't think this song existed. Dad sings it all the time. Here are the lyrics so you can sing along.

MacArthurs park is melting in the dark
All the sweet green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain.
I dont think that I can take it
Cause it took so long to bake it
And Ill never have that recipe again!
Oh, no-o-o-o!

Boyfriends

Brother 2: I wish I had a boyfriend who would take me out to dinner all the time.

Spit

Dad: I'm going to chew up this piece of bread, and spit it at your head. It will explode into a million pieces.

Me: Your spit is like TNT.

Ass

Brother 1 (on the phone): Hello?

Me: Are you sleeping?

Brother 1: Yeah.

Me: Why do I always call you when you're sleeping?

Brother 1: 'Cause you're a dumbass.

Prius

Brother 1: Does your boyfriend really drive a blue Prius?

Me: Yeah.

Brother 1: I'm going to have to slash his tires to counter the money he's saving on gas.

Me: Ok. Remember that he's 4 inches taller than you and has huge arm muscles though.

Songs

Dad: I tore ass in my Torus
Driving down the street

I tore ass in my Torus
Better than walking on my feet

Voice Mail

Brother 1 calls Cousin 8 and leaves him a voice mail.

Cousin 8 sends text back: "What do you want?"

Brother 1: "Check your voice mail!"

Cousin 8 is deaf.

Showers

Brother 1: After I shower I tuck my balls back and dance in the mirror.

Me: Why?

Brother 1: It's funny.

I Love my Brothers

Brother 1 to my boyfriend: How did you end up with her? You're way too good for her, I think you could do better.

Brother 2: Yeah, I agree.

Salt and Pepper

Brother 1 doesn't know where anything in our new rental house goes.

Brother 1: Where does that salt and pepper go? Here? Here? What about here?

Brother 1 opens a bunch of cabinets and then throws the salt and pepper shakers on the floor.

First Born Children

Brother 1: I'm naming my first born child Hydrogenated Soda.