Brother 1 found Grandpa Gorgo's metal detector in the garage.
Brother 2 kept waving it over my back, setting off the beeping from the metal in my bra strap.
Brother 2: What is wrong with you?
Brother 2 waves it over the floor.
Brother 2: THERE'S BURIED TREASURE EVERYWHERE!!!!
Me: I need to call Cousin H.
Mom: To ask her about Match.com?
Me: No... to tell her what day I can come visit. Match.com is different for people my age... when you're 30, you have hot divorcées to look through, when you're 22, you have crazy people who are desperate.
Brother 1: Mom told me I have to join Match.com, because without a girlfriend I'm less of a man. Her exact words.
Mom (to Dad): I bet you can't be quiet for an hour!
1 hour and 15 minutes later...
Mom: So, towards the end of that hour, I was thinking that I kinda missed your voice, but I was wrong. I think you need to be quiet for another hour.
Dad: Nope! Now it's time to be silly.
Brother 1: You know how some letters are silent?
Me: Yes.
Brother 1: I'm going to name one of my kids Oey, but pronounce it Joey, and just tell him that the J is invisible. Then, when he's in school, everyone will call him Oey, and he'll have to correct them, "No, its Jjjjjjoey, the J is invisible."
Me: Nice.
Brother 1: I had the most disgusting fart of my life today. Do you want to hear about it?
Me: No.
Brother 1: It was awful. It sounded like a machine gun shooting a duck. BABABABABABABABABABABABABABA UACK!!!
Brother 1: Waves are pretty crazy, sometimes they're a nice way to say hello, and other times, they're wet and try to drown you.
Brother 1: See this scar on my stomach? It's from Uncle M. He burned me with his cigarette.
Brother 2: Really?
Me: Well, he was little, and Uncle M turned and accidentally hit him with it.
Brother 1: That is not how it happened! He yelled, "I'll teach you not to act like such a brat!!" and held the cigarette on my stomach. I gave him this really serious look, refusing to show any pain. That's how it really happened.
Me: We were at the zoo.
We went to the Wisconsin Dell's for Mom's birthday. On the car ride up there, we compiled a list of family rules/safety guidelines.
1. Do not brush your teeth with bleach.
2. Do not bathe in acetone.
3. It is perfectly acceptable to run with scissors, as long as they are pointed away from you.
4. The three second rule applies to all foods and all surfaces, including Popsicles and mud.
5. Do not sled down the stairs in a cardboard box.
6. Slip 'n Slide's are not designed for feet first sliding.
7. There are no family rules.
8. Be careful around couches, they can attack.
9. If you fart in the car you owe the driver $1.
10. You can only be mean to your grandma if she is the devil.
11. It is acceptable to sing lyrics in a song after the occur.
12. Only fart in a bowl of brownies and hold them in someone's face if you want to induce vomitting.
13. If your head is under a blanket, don't fart, unless there is someone else under the blanket with you. Then you just need to hold your breath.
14. Albanian waitresses do not appreciate weird tricks you can do with your eyes and fingers. If you are trying to pick one up, leave these out of the conversation.
15. Intense situations call for the showing of ass cleavage. It is the only way to show true emotion.
Brother 1: When Josh arrives, I'm going to attack him in his sleep! Elbow drop him! I'm going to have to sneak really quietly... Oh wait! He's deaf so I'll be able to yell!!! "Josh I'm going to elbow drop you now!!!" Oh, but he has a wife.
Me: Sunny's deaf too...
Brother 1: Oh yeah!!! They won't know what hit them!
Brother 1: I hate that flood light.
Dad: That's my light of a thousand suns, it was made by the ancient Greeks.
Brother 1: The Greeks didn't make shit.
Dad: They made the pyramids.
Me: Uh... that was the Egyptians.
Dad: Well, they conquered the Egyptians and took their pyramids.
Brother 1: No they didn't. They danced around in their skirts and wrote poetry.
Brother 1: Why are you so mean to me?
Me: I'm not mean to you. What did I do?
Brother 1: You're constantly like, "Farty toot fart head!" It's not nice.
Brother 2's GF was wearing capri pants.
Brother 1: Why are you wearing midget pants. It's kinda crazy that midget pants fit you so well.
Me: Uh, they're called capri's. They're like pants, cut off at the knee to make them more comfortable in the summer.
Brother 1: Then why do they have such a nice hem?? Because they're midget pants.
We're down at the dock, hanging out.
Brother 2: WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!?!?!
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Yep, he speared a fish.
Me: Brother 1 has 55% of the votes. Dad, you only have 13%.
Dad: Who are these people voting?
Me: I don't know, people who read my blog.
Dad: So they could be lowlife scum? I don't want lowlife scum voting for me!
Me: Dad, can I borrow your truck tomorrow night?
Dad: I guess... or better yet, you can rent my truck!
During an intense game of Cranium, Brie picks a humdinger card, where you have to hum a song and have the other team member guess it.
Brie: Aw, a humdinger, we can't do this one 'cause Josh is deaf.
Mom smacks Josh in the arm to get his attention.
Mom: You're deaf?!?!
Josh rolls his eyes, and Mom starts giggling uncontrollably.
Me: I bought these bottles of wine based on the labels, so don't blame me if they're bad.
Dad: Ok. Do I want wine made out of old Chevy's, wine made of kangaroos, or wine made of giraffes?
Brother 2 has this crazy metabolism, where he can eat anything he wants and not gain a pound.
Brother 1: I'm going to spend all my money on making you fat.
Brother 2: I'll never be fat, I don't eat condiments.
Me: What?
Brother 2: I don't eat condiments, that's what makes you fat.
Me: Eating ketchup and mustard makes you fat?!?
Brother 2: Yeah, that's why I don't eat them.
Brother 1: If I get Parkinson's Disease, I'm going to start a band and become a famous maracist. Everyone would be like, "he keeps a good beat."
Brother 1: I'm going to buy lots of Goldshlauger, filter out the gold, put it in little vials and sell if for $8 at Yellowstone.
Brother 1: On vacation we discussed how much better it would be if you weren't around. Like if Mom and Dad had given you up for adoption and just waited for us to come.
Mom: That's not true!
Brother 1: Uh, I'm not the one who said it, I'm just repeating what I heard.
Brother 1: That sends a chill down my spine. Similar to being speared in the eye by a porcupine needle dipped in bleach.
Brother 1 (looking like a lightbulb just went off in his head): You know how Coke Zero has nothing in it? Just artificial flavors and a little salt??
Me: Yeah...
Brother 1: BUDDY COULD HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Do you think he'd like it?
Brother 1: YES! HE WOULD LOVE IT! You can't give it to him though, he already loves you too much.
Brother 1 and I were sitting in the living room while Brother 2 took is usual 45 minute long shower. The entire time he was singing the "I'm a lumberjack and I don't care" song.
Me: Did you bring me anything back?
Brother 1: Yes. We put a fresh buffalo pie in a ziplock. It's kinda gross though, it steamed up the bag.
Brother 2: You should have heard it, when we were driving to the airport, I farted right as we went over those warning bumps!
Brother 1: Yeah! And I farted when we were waiting for Old Faithful to blow up, when everyone got really quiet in anticipation.
Brother 2: We had some really well timed farts on this vacation.
Mom: Your brothers really missed you on vacation.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yeah, they had no one to pick on.
I received this picture on my cell phone yesterday. That's brother 2 scaling some kind of rock. 
Mom: Did you bring the new green underwear (read: whitey tighties) I bought you?
Dad: No. They make me look like Robin Hood.
Mom: Did the boys tell you about the first hotel we stayed in?
Me: Nope.
Mom: We got to the first room, and the air conditioning wasn't working, so we went down to the front desk and got put in a new room. Then we went up to that room, and the air still wasn't working very well, so the boys opened the sliding door to the balcony thing, and there was a used prophylactic on the balcony!!
Me: Gross.
Mom: We did not stay in that hotel!
Brother 1: Why aren't you married??
Me: Uh, I think having a boyfriend would be the first step towards that goal.
Brother 1: All three of the Hanson brothers are married, and the youngest is only 21!
Me: That's what I aspire to, being like Hanson.
Brother 1: Rich thought they were really hot, then he found out they were boys.
The family is going to Montana this week, so I'm not sure how much I'll have to post until they come back with stories.
Dad: Bring the football!
Brother 1: I'm going to throw the football at the buffalo.
Dad: I'll be the quarterback, and you can be the running back.
Brother 1: I want to be a full back, so I can charge through the buffalo. I'm a rhino , you know.
I'm sitting downstairs on the couch.
Upstairs, Brother's 1 and 2 are practicing their best duck imitations.
Mom: Guess what I did today!
Brother 1: Put the dog down. (Buddy is laying on the floor next to him)
Mom: No!
Brother 1: Well, the look on your face said you had to put the dog down. What did you do today?
Mom: I forget.
You know that really high pitched screeching sound boys are really good at making? Imagine that sound, bouncing off the inside of a honda, constant for a good fifteen minutes, in four different pitches (courtesy of Brother 1, Brother 2, Cousin J, and Cousin S). That was my ride home from Blockbuster last night.
Brother 1: If Chili's doesn't have a table ready, and makes us wait, I'm going to pull down my pants and poop. While spinning around.
Brother 1 is trying out that new weight loss drug. One of the side effects is loose stools and oily farts.
Mom: I am not cleaning poopy underwear.
Brother 1: I’m excited. This will give me an excuse to poop wherever I want. I’m going to poop all over the floor.
Mom: I can't understand why you're afraid of heights.
Me: Why not?
Mom: When you were a baby, we had to bolt all your furniture to the walls 'cause you would climb up on your dressers. You would walk along the back of the couch, and climb counters to sit on top of the refrigerator.
Me: How old was I?
Mom: Uh... probably about 11 months.
Brother 1: I want to have a Father’s Day and get presents.
Dad: You will eventually.
Brother 1: I want one now.
Dad: Ok. Go impregnate a woman.
Brother 1 (singing Fergie's song Big Girls Don't Cry): I hope you know, I hope you know. That this has nothing to do with you. This has everything to do with a Japanese yellow tipped yew. (the tree we bought Dad for Father's Day)
Cousin J, Cousin S, and Cousin K slept over last night after a night of drinking and hot tubbing (Mom and Dad were in Vegas). We all woke up at about 10 AM. I wanted to take a shower, but the pilot light on the hot water heater was out, so I had to relight it, and decided that I'd wait until after dropping Brother 2 off at work.
We decided we needed McDonald's breakfast, so we all piled into Black Sable (Mom's 1994 full size van). We all got egg McMuffin's and drove towards Brother 2's work. On the way, the accelerator pedal stopped working. The van started making crunching and sparking noises, and the power steering went out. We pulled into an abandoned diner parking lot, and Brother 1 drove in circles until the car started working again. We pulled out into the street, and halfway out, the van died. We all jumped out and pushed it back into the parking lot. (read: 99 degrees outside, all of us in our pajamas). We call every single person we know in the area, no one is home to come pick us up. Uncle S is sympathetic, but he just walked into a restaurant for breakfast, so of course he can't come rescue us.
Triple A comes finally, after Brother 2 has walked half a mile to work, taking Brother 1 and the van to the auto repair shop. The cousin's and I are still sitting in an empty parking lot. Triple A drops off Brother 1, and nicely, Brother 1 asks if he can have a ride home. Triple A guy's response? "No."
So Brother 1 walks a half mile home, gets my car, and comes to get us. We finally arrive home at 12:30 (I was supposed to leave for work at 12:30... I'm still in pajamas). I jump into the shower for .5 seconds, get dressed as quickly as possible, and pack for a day of standing in the sun holding reflectors. I run outside, and my car is missing.
I run back inside, freaking out, and no one is home. I steal Brother 1's truck, and drive as fast as possible to work. (I made it on time!) I found out later that Brother 1 and Cousin J had taken my car to go get water balloons.
Overall, an entertaining day.
Brother 1: I'm going to get married parachuting off the Sears Tower. Then, after 3 minutes of marriage, I can decide if I like it. If I don't, I'll drop my wife.
Brother 1: I'm getting married on K2, the most deadliest peak in the world!
Me: Why?
Brother 1: So none of you can come.
Mom: Remember when we were going to name her after my family?
Dad: No.
Brother 1: What are you talking about?
Me: I was conceived out of wedlock.
Dad: Yeah! You were conceived out of love!! (To Mom) That was fun!
Brother 1: I was planned!
Me: No you weren't, Brother 2 was the only planned baby.
Mom: Yeah, you were the "Oh shit!" kid.
Brother 1: You're a retarded whore.
Brieanne: Uh... that's not very politically correct.
Brother 1: Ok. You're a mentally disabled floppy McGee.
Brother 1: I wish I had one of those "out of the office" signs for my desk. One written in italics.
Me: Why italics?
Brother 1: So people would have to read it in a really high pitched voice. (squeeking) "Brother 1 is out of the office right now!!!" Oh! It could be in bold too!! Then people would have to scream in their high pitched voice!
Cousin H (drunk): Where is my daughter? She's with you guys right?
Brother 1: Well, she was, but she wasn't walking fast enough, so we left her on the corner about twenty minutes ago.
Brother 1: Who discovered that chaining up and torturing baby cows makes them taste like happiness?
Brother 2: Someone very smart.
Brother 1: Last night I was attacked by a giant killer tarantula.
Me: He was! His eyes were almost swollen shut this morning!
Brieanne: Did you actually see the giant tarantula?
Me: No.
Brother 1: It was huge! Three feet in diameter. I woke and couldn't move because it had webbed me. Cousin J woke up and Chuck Norris Round House Kicked him in the face, saving my life.
Brother 1: I'm going to have multiple weddings so Cousin J can be my best man over and over again.
Me: I lost 1.2 pounds this week!
Brother 1: 1.2 pounds could mean you took a crap today.
Me: My crap doesn't weight 1.2 pounds.
Brother 2: Cousin J takes a crap and then he's 5 pounds lighter. Cousin J has a way with poo.
Brother 1: Cousin J has his way with poo?? How does he have his way with poo? Holds it down...
Brother 2: A way. A way with poo.
Here is a list of all the things Brother 1 wants to do with Sweet Baby Ray's Barbeque Sauce:
1. Make popsicles
2. Brush his teeth with it
3. Milkshakes
4. As filling in a donut
Remember this song?
Dad: Why aren't people singing the Pajama Wham Slamma song in the streets? You were supposed to use your blog to get it out to the world. You failed at your mission.
Me: I'm going to bed. I'm tired and I worked for a million hours today.
Brother 1: No you didn't.
Me: I went to work at 9, came home, changed and babysat until 11:30. How many hours is that?
Brother 1: Three. Babysitting doesn't count, and neither does making people look pretty on the computer. You can count your drive there and back though.
Cousin G age 4 (looking in my ear with her pretend doctor equipment): I see something!!!
Me: What is it Doctor G? Can you get it out?
Cousin G: It's one of those big black birds!
Me: A crow?
Cousin G: Yeah!!! A crow in your ear!!
She pretends to pull a crow out of my ear.
Cousin G: Lets put it in a cage. We can release it into the wild later!
She then proceeded to tell everyone that they owed her $100 for removing the crow from my ear. She made $1.35, we'll pay her the $98.65 when she receives her medical degree.
You guys know what cicadas are right? If not google search them. Or read this article. Although, that article is more just fun, and not very informative. Anyway, our trees are covered in cicadas, and everyone is eating them. (read: my dog and box turtle and the little boy I baby-sit for)
Brother 1: Cicadas have a really crappy life.
Me: Why? 'Cause they live underground for 17 years only to come up and die in 3 months?
Brother 1: No. 'Cause they crawl out of the ground just to be eaten by things that are eating them just for fun.
A few weeks ago, at school, Brother 1 got really drunk at a party a few miles a way from his apartment. He couldn't drive home, and didn't want a ride, since he gets really car sick when he's drunk, so he decided to walk. About twenty minutes into his walk, he happens upon a Burger King. He walks through the drive through and attempts to order a double quarter pounder. They won't sell it to him, since he is not in a car, so he convinces the employee that she should be nice and just give him the burger. Suprisingly, she agrees. Brother 1 is happy. He keeps walking, but now he has another problem. He needs to poop. Unlike a sober person, who would find an open store and ask to use their restroom, he finds a bush in some nice family's front yard, and poops in it. The entire walk takes an hour. The drive would have taken 5 minutes. Was free Burger King and pooping in a front yard worth it? Brother 1 says yes.
We were having ribs from The Patio last night for dinner, and they serve mashed potatos in little styrofoam bowls.
Dad: OH!! That's why the butter won't spread! The lid's still on!
I look over, and there are smears of butter all over the lid of Dad's potatos.
Brother 1: I'm disappointed you don't have a brain tumor.
Me: I'm not. If I had a brain tumor I would have had to have chemo and radiation and would have ended up bald.
Brother 1: Exactly, I think you'd look good bald.
Today was Brother 2's birthday. Happy birthday Brother 2! We went to Medieval Times, where he was Knighted! During one part of the show, the horses were performing tricks.
Mom: I wish we had brought apples to give the horses.
Me: Or carrots, horses like carrots too.
Brother 1: I thought horses liked blue footed boobies.
Brother 1: If someone told me I had to pick a disease, any disease to have, even the common cold, I think I'd choose leprosy.
Me: I think I'd do my research and choose a disease that either had no symptoms, or showed up really late in life.
Brother 1: No, I'd choose leprosy. I'd be fun to be all contagious.
Me: Dad? Can you do me a favor? Unplug my computer and plug it in over there. The powercord isn't long enough to reach.
Dad: Unplug your computer and plug it into the dogs butt? Oh, you're sick. Poor Buddy!
Brother 1: I need you to do me a favor.
Me: Ok.
Brother 1: It's going to be hard. Really time consuming, and it's going to require all of your skills.
Me: Ok.
Brother 1: And you're going to have to be good with a lance. Your lance skills will be tested.
Me: I like Hinrich, he has big ears.
Brother 1: That's so he can fly.
Me: I'm excited they're winning!
Brother 1: It's all 'cause Wallace let his hair out. It's good luck.
Remember this? Yeah, it was last July... and they're still talking about it.
Brother 1: I talked to Cousin J last week, he found a Fresca with ghonnorea-AIDS, GHAIDS for short.
Me: Really?
Brother 1: Yeah, it's in the new orange Fresca's. And the antidote ones are really rare, so I would suggest just not drinking the orange Fresca's. You don't want GHAIDS.
Brother 2 had to make an egg baby for health class. If he can keep it alive for 3 days, he gets 25 extra credit points.
Dad: Did you kill your baby yet?
Brother 2: The egg is still alive.
Dad: If I had an egg baby, it would be dead already. I would have killed it, execution style, this morning.
Brother 1: I hope I hit a squirrel on my drive home.
Me: That's awful.
Brother 1: Then at least someone will be having a worse day than me.
Brother 1 is driving home from school when he calls me on the phone.
Brother 1: I have two things to tell you.
Me: Ok.
Brother 1: One-- I thought I crapped my pants. It smelled so bad in my car. But then I drove by a deer that had been hit by a car, and it had shit all over the road. So I didn't crap my pants, it was just a dead deer trying to trick me.
Two-- Did you know that Ohio doesn't start until you're already into Cincinatti? Cincinatti is probably 30% in Kentucky. It's ok though, 'cause they have a double decker bridge. If you're heading north, you get to be on the bottom.
Mom: You didn't tell me you had a final yesterday!
Brother 1: Well, you didn't tell me my sister was dying of a brain tumor*, so we're even!
*I don't really have a brain tumor.
Dad (singing): Brother 2 is a huge fart head!
Brother 2: What did you say?
Dad: Nothing, nothing, just singing a new hit I heard on the radio this afternoon.
Dad: It's May 1st. Do you know what that means?
Brother 2: There are 18 days until my birthday?
Dad: No, there are 12 days until MY birthday!
Brother 2: I found the perfect birthday present for Cousin J. A super toilet.
Me: He wants a toilet for his birthday??
Brother 2: He told me, he's sick of plunging. It would be the perfect present.
Mom: I think I need to upgrade you.
Dad: Ok. If you need the original me, I'll be in Montana.
Mom: I wouldn't go all the way to Montana to get you. I don't think I like Montanta.
Dad: Whoa!!
Me: What?
Dad: That calendar has one of the same pictures as the girly calendar I made a couple years ago!!
Me: You made a girly calendar?
Dad: Yeah. No one sent me one, so I cut out pictures from the magazines and glued them into the scenic calendar. It was kinda hard to get the perspective right, and to find the right sized pictures. I still haven't gotten a girly calendar this year, I need to get one for the shop.
Me: That is not in my job description.
Buddy, our golden retriever, is almost 12 years old, and gets gunk in his eyes that we have to clean out.
Mom (talking to the dog): This is so disgusting. Your eyes are so gross. You have poop eyes.
I have a box turtle named Carmine. Brother 1 got him for me for Christmas. Today, it was really nice outside, so I let him run around the backyard (basically digging a hole in the mud and sitting in it for hours). Brother 2 was mowing the lawn, so I had to bring Carmine up on the deck so he wouldn't get run over.
Dad: Did Brother 2 hit your turtle with the lawn mower??
5 minutes later...
Mom: Did Carmine get hit? That would be gross, turtle guts shooting all over the lawn!
My family is nice.
Brother 2: I almost died last night. I farted under the blanket, and then I rolled over and the smell escaped. It smelled like taquitos.
Brother 1 is rewriting the lyrics to Fergelicious, in which he implies that she is, in reality, a transvestite.
Brother 1: I put the boys on rock rock.... what the hell does that mean anyway?
I'm running down the block, rubbing on my cock. I'm Fergelicious
You don't know what I got, I'm Fergelicious.
(He's not finished yet... one idea is to rhyme Promiscuous with "fist this"... I'll keep you all updated)
Dad: What are you doing?
Me: Making a list of things I need to pack for my vacation.
Dad: Write me on that list. You can bring me with.
Me: You can come if you want.
Dad: No... this is your vacation, you need to take a vacation by yourself, so this summer when we drive to Montana and your brothers and mother are annoying you, I can say, you already got a vacation. I only get one vacation and am lucky I get that. Do you know why?
Me: Why?
Dad: No rest for the wicked!!
Dad (with a terrible southern accent): Have you seen my glasses? I think I might have dropped them in the crawdad pond.
I pick them up off the seat of the fork truck.
Me: Found them!
Dad: The fork truck stole them. Mother fucker.
*I'm on vacation in Virginia, so I won't be posting much this week.
Me: It smells like bananas in here.
Dad (sniffing): I don't smell anything.
Me: It's not just the office, it smells even more like bananas out in the shop.
Dad: It was probably the Easter Monkeys taking over last night.
Brother 1 has a bit of a love trapezoid going on w/ 2 roommates and a jealous ex-girlfriend. He was mad at me for calling 'cause he had been getting girl freaking out calls all afternoon.
Brother 1 (in his best announcer voice): Little do they know, Brother 1 doesn't give a fuck.
Dad: People keep asking me if we're going to be working on Friday.
Me: What's Friday?
Dad: Good Friday. I keep saying, Good Friday is not a holiday. We didn't take off for Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday*. We are patriotic mother fuckers. We believe in separation of church and state.
*not quite sure why Martin Luther King Jr.'s b-day is lumped with those...
Dad: I am going to throw this apple right at your forehead... and watch while it explodes into a million pieces... and you fall to the floor like a sack of bricks.
Replace apple with whatever he's holding in his hand at the time (gear, sandwich, rock, brownie, shoe and glasses have all been featured). I've heard variations on this sentence about 20 times in the past few days.
Me: You've been really violent lately.
Dad: Yes, I have. I think because it's spring. Spring makes me more violent than usual.
