Show Time

Dad: Uh oh, more porn.

Mom: Turn that off!!! How come you always find the naked people? I'm canceling Show Time.

Zit Cream

Brother 2 is standing in the bathroom, taking about 35 minutes to put zit cream on his face.

Me: Are you almost done? I need to brush my teeth.

Brother 2: This stuff is most effective you if you put on 9 layers. If I become a billionaire and have zit problems, I'm going to take baths in this stuff.

Cheese

Dad: I don't eat cheese. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries and makes you stupid like people from Wisconsin.

Exorcism Pool Cue Continued.

Dad: I was thinking, instead of holy water in the end of my exorcism pool cue, it should be filled with acid.

Me: So people think they're possessed???

Dad: Exactly.

Pool Cue

Dad: How about this? A exorcism pool cue, you can use to beat the devil out of people. You know, you're playing pool, your opponent becomes possessed, you need an exorcism pool cue.

Me: You could have it blessed by a priest and it could be like a squirt gun, shooting holy water out of the end!!

Dad: Now that's just silly. Just silly. It could have a screw off cap on the end though, with a little compartment for holy water to splash on the possessed.

Burps

Dad burps.

Me: That was disgusting.

Dad: I was expelling the evil demons. If you burp and fart enough, you don't have to worry about exorcisms. That's a little trick I learned from the Cardinal.

Fights

Mom: You are in sooo much trouble!!!!

Brother 2: What did I do?

Mom: You got a C in Spanish!!! (this is an improvement)

Brother 2: I just pooped myself.

Me: That was mean.

Mom: Ha, he thought I was going to beat him up again.

Vacation

Me: I won't be home until Tuesday night. I'm house sitting and will be sleeping there.

Dad: Tuesday night of next YEAR?!?! Who's going to watch TV with me? This isn't fair! I work all day, I'm going to be lonely all night.

Dr. Pepper

Dad: I can't drink Dr. Pepper.

Brother 1: Why not?

Dad: It tastes like medicine.

Brother 1: Delicious medicine! I hope I get the disease thats treatment requires 8 doses of Dr. Pepper medicine a day.

Hmm

Brother 1: I have a pile of mustard here if anybody wants some.

Books

Brother 1: That book is lame.

Me: Yeah, but it only took me 2 hours to read. It's like watching a lame movie. It would have taken you about a week to finish.

Brother 1: Yeah, I watch lame movies all the time. It's easy since I watch things at the same speed as everyone else.

U2

Lady: Have a nice day.

Brother 1: You too.

Brother 2: Wow, you're being polite.

Brother 1: Nah, I just love U2 so much that I blurt out their name randomly.

God

Mom: Is that the Jehovah Witness ladies? Tell them I'm not home and in the shower.

Brother 1: I have to lie to the Jehovah Witnesses? Do you know what that does to my standing with God. It knocks me down at least 3 notches. I'm going to have to drive another mentally handicap person to school to make up for it.

South

Brother 1 is home for the weekend from school, he goes to the University of Tennessee.

Brother 1: Move your shit biooootch!!!!

Me: Whoa.

Brother 1: That's how I speak to women now. I'm degrading towards them, since I'm from the south. It's fun, you should try it sometime.

50 Cents

Dad: Would you like some peanut butter on toast? It's only 50 cents.

Me: That seems a little expensive for a piece of toast.

Dad: It's handmade.

Eye

Cousin J is spending the weekend with us (yay!) and Buddy got excited and licked his face in the morning.

Cousin J: Ah, he licked my eye!!! Whoa, that was a weird feeling.

Hookers

As I was leaving to go deliver parts in a not so nice part of the city.

Dad: Try not to be mistaken for a hooker.

Me: Since that happens to me all the time.

Dad: There are real hookers down there, and it could be dangerous.

Me: Ok. I'll be careful.

Matching

Mom: What do we need to wear next week for the family portraits?

Me: Jeans and a black long sleeved shirt.

Mom: Ok.

Me: Buddy's coming with too.

Mom: Do we need to dye him black?

Frozen Pancakes

Brother 2: Pssssst.

Me: Ahhhh!

Brother 2: Psssssst.

Me: Ahhhhhhhh! Ew!

Brother 2: Psssssst.

Mom: What is he doing? Why are you screaming?

Me: He's putting his frozen pancakes on my arm! It's gross!

Brother 2: Psssssssst.

Me: Why are you making that noise??

Brother 2: The frozen pancakes are burning you.

Fun