I'm Related to a Bunch of Morons

Memorials

2010-07-10T17:34:00.002-05:00

Cousin J: When I die, I'm going to be encased in gold in a really epic pose. Then I'm going to have someone take me all over the world until my money runs out. Then, I'm going to be dropped to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Future people will find me down there and think I was really important.

The Letter G

2010-06-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

Dad: Aw. Sweet gargantuan gopher balls. The letter of the day is G. Sweet gargantuan gopher gonads.

Salmonella

2010-06-06T11:59:00.001-05:00

Dad: Your mom left the eggs out. We're all going to get salmonella. Sammy Davis Jr. and Ella Fitzgerald.

Robot Unicorn

2010-05-29T21:59:00.000-05:00

Have you played this game? Seriously. Best game ever.

Me: Why is the unicorn a robot?

Brother 1: Because. How would a real unicorn make your dreams come true?

Loud

2010-05-28T21:37:00.000-05:00

Violet is crazy, she fits right in. She was squealing and screeching and banging on a table.

Jack (age 4): Too loud.

Then, he turned off his hearing aids.

Conkey

2010-05-27T21:35:00.004-05:00

Have you seen Trailer Park Boys? It's an awesome Canadian show. Dad decided he's going to talk like Conkey from now on.

Mom: Why are you so weird?

Brother 2: Uh. I spend 8 hours a day with a guy who talks in a high pitch gravely voice. How can I not be weird?

Here's a video featuring Conkey. He's the puppet.

Fish Face

2010-05-17T10:08:00.002-05:00

Nipples

2010-05-16T22:40:00.000-05:00

In the hot tub:

I move to a different seat.

Kyle: Whoa. That's not Vanessa.

Brother 2: Nope that's me.

Kyle: I thought she was playing with both my nipples.

Me: Nope. Just one.

Kyle: So that was Brother 2....

Fancy

2010-05-15T22:39:00.001-05:00

Brother 2's GF: We need to act fancy!

Cousin G: Who sat on my crumpet?

Pigeon

2010-05-14T21:13:00.001-05:00

Brother 2: Did you know that when you drive your car faster than 120 mph, it sprouts wings?

Brother 1: Yeah, I've had that happen before.

Brother 2: But not big wings, little pigeon wings.

Brother 1: Yeah, and it slows the car down to about 8 mph, slowly flapping, about 1/4 inch off the ground.

Brother 2: Exactly.

Stabbing

2010-05-11T09:10:00.002-05:00

Kyle: I have a wonderful wife, and life, and knife. AHHHHHHH! (As he pretends to stab me in the throat) What? It rhymed.

Brother 1's New License Plate

2010-05-06T20:27:00.002-05:00

Nightmares

2010-04-19T10:41:00.000-05:00

Grandma: I wouldn't do LSD! No way! I wouldn't have one of those nice trips where you're imagining lying on the beach. I would have nightmares! Awful nightmares. I couldn't do it.

Flat

2010-04-18T10:40:00.001-05:00

Dad: The world is flat! And the sun revolves around us! Because we're the greatest! The greatest, baby! Greatest!

Tattoos

2010-04-03T12:52:00.002-05:00

Brother 1: I want to get a monkey tattoo! On my butt. So it looks like the monkey is climbing out of my butt crack. Or the monkey's mouth could be my butt hole!!! "Aw, the monkey is sick, oh no!". I would definitely need to eat some White Castle before I went to get that tattoo.

Celine Dion

2010-03-23T22:10:00.001-05:00

Brother 1 and his girlfriend are currently having a Celine Dion singing contest in the basement.

Toilets

2010-03-07T12:26:00.002-06:00

Looking through the Bed Bath & Beyond flier.

Dad: There is a bunch of useless crap in here. We don't need any of it. I already have a toothbrush. And I already have a toilet.

Me: You have a few toilets.

Dad: I do. I have too many toilets. I have so many and I can't even use more than one at a time. Well... I could try, but it'd probably be pretty difficult.

Milestones

2010-03-01T11:23:00.001-06:00

Kyle: Are we suppossed to write down when she does new things? Like the date she rolled over for the first time?

Me: Probaby.

Kyle: I'm going to forget, and then have to make stuff up when she gets older and asks..."yeah, you rolled over for the first time at 3. Started walking when you were 6 years old..."

Discus

2010-02-24T08:33:00.000-06:00

Brother 1: You're pretty awesome Violet. Wally's still my favorite though. You rank just below my largest discus fish. Wally, turtle, big discus, Violet, all the other discus.

American Idol

2010-02-23T21:38:00.002-06:00

Brother 1: My GF made me watch American Idol. The whole 2 hour special.

Me: You know, that show it pure torture for our family. We're all tone deaf. So we watch, and say "Wow, that person was really good, they're pretty and look like they had a lot of fun" and then the judges tell us what a horrible singer they are. It's just not fun.

Brother 1: GF got so mad at me for all my comments that she took a crap on my chest.

Me: And you were so engrossed in American Idol that you didn't notice until it was too late?

Brother 1: Yeah. She was crouching over my chest like a tiger, and I didn't even notice until it was too late...

Vomit

2010-02-20T17:10:00.000-06:00

Kyle: I can't change this diaper. It smells so awful! I'm going to vomit. No seriously, awful smells make me vomit.

Brother 1: Do you vomit while you're taking a shit?

Walnut

2010-02-17T21:19:00.002-06:00

Violet has these blankies with animal heads that she likes to snuggle with.

Kyle: Aw, are you snuggling with Walnut?

Me: You named her moose Walnut?

Kyle: Yeah.

Me: What's her giraffe's name?

Kyle: Skippy.

Birds

2010-02-14T11:31:00.000-06:00

Kyle: Did you hear the birds this morning?!? They're coming back!

Me: Really?

Kyle: Birds are my favorite.

Me: I know! Maybe we should get a pet bird.

Kyle: Yeah! I want a hawk!

Piggies

2010-02-13T11:29:00.001-06:00

Kyle: This little piggy went to the market.
This little piggy went to Baghdad.
This little piggy went to South America.
This little piggy went to the West Alps.
And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home.

Arms

2010-02-07T10:12:00.001-06:00

Kyle was spinning Violet around.

Kyle: Good thing she has good things to hold on to.

Me: Arms?

Kyle: Yeah. Good thing our baby has arms!

Jehovah Witnesses Part 2

2010-01-25T22:55:00.000-06:00

Mom: The Jehovah Witnesses came looking for Brother 1 again today. They had information about Buddhism for him.

Me: Because they took him seriously when he asked if they thought all of China was going to hell?

Mom: Yeah. And they told me that even Violet is going to have a judgement day.

Me: Wow. Poor Violet. What did you say?

Mom: I told them there was no way in hell this adorable little girl is going to have judgement day.

Lullaby

2010-01-24T22:51:00.000-06:00

Mom: I could hear you singing to Violet while you were giving her a bath. What were you singing?!?

Kyle: The ghostbusters theme.

Brown Squirrel

2010-01-23T22:49:00.002-06:00

Kyle: Vanessa discriminates. She only likes guys with huge dicks.

Brother 2: That's true. That's why she won't sleep with Brother 1 and I.

Me: Not because it's incest and you're gross?

Brother 2: No, it's 'cause Brother 1 and I are hung like brown squirrels.

Religion

2010-01-23T17:02:00.001-06:00

You can tell how religious we are...

Me: Do you think Jesus' sperm had magical powers?

Kyle: Yeah, he impregnated the Virgin Mary with them.

Me: I think Mary was his mother...

Kyle: Oops, ew, gross.

Babysitters

2010-01-12T15:00:00.002-06:00

Me (calling to check on Violet): What are you guys up to?

Brother 1: We're just watching cartoons and killing zombies.

Avatar

2010-01-12T14:58:00.001-06:00

Kyle: I want to be an avatar!

Me: But how would you communicate with the trees and animals? You don't have hair to connect.

Kyle: I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as male pattern baldness on that planet.

Kitties

2009-12-30T11:53:00.002-06:00

Kyle (playing with Violet): What sound does a kitty make? Reeeaaaaarrrrwwww!!!!

Me: Whoa. My kitties say meow...

Kyle: All my animals have rabies.

Sideburns

2009-12-06T00:18:00.001-06:00

Brother 1: Have you seen Brother 2's sideburns? He looks like Wolverine with cancer.

Halloween!

2009-11-03T09:41:00.002-06:00

Lullaby

2009-10-17T10:35:00.001-05:00

Kyle makes up songs for Violet. Here's the latest:

I'm your dad.
I'm so glad, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I would never give you up to an orphanage, 'cause I'm your dad.
And I wouldn't give you to a homeless man on the street, 'cause I'm your dad.
Even if he looked lonely.
'Cause I'm your dad.

Phone Calls

2009-10-02T19:58:00.002-05:00

Mom and Brother 2 are on the phone.

Mom: Here, talk to Violet.

She holds the phone up to Violet's ear, and you can hear Brother 2 saying stuff to her.

Violet: (Crazy laughing horse noise)

Brother 2: What the hell was that?!?

Facebook

2009-09-30T09:09:00.001-05:00

Everyone has facebook, including my Grandma.

Brother 2's status update: Does not enjoy cock, other than his own.

Grandma's response: Glad to hear it! Maybe you don't want to share with everyone. Love you. Gram

Uncles

2009-09-13T15:29:00.001-05:00

Look what she has to put up with...

Violet

2009-09-10T18:29:00.002-05:00

Violet Cynthia was born on 9-9-09 (awesome birthday!) at 7:27 am. She weighs 7 lbs 8 oz and is 21 inches long :)

Swelling

2009-09-08T13:21:00.002-05:00

Dad: I need you to go walk in the mud outside, so I can make plaster casts of your footprints and sell them as Sasquash feet.

Ew.

2009-09-06T13:37:00.002-05:00

Brother 1: I want to see your belly right after you deliver. Will you have a huge flap of skin?

Me: I've heard you usually leave the hospital still looking 5 months pregnant. It takes a few weeks for your uterus to go back to normal.

Brother 2: Will you be walking around queefing?

Brother 1: Wow.

Fluids

2009-08-27T15:57:00.001-05:00

Me: I hope my water breaks tonight.

Brother 2: I DO NOT need to hear about your vaginal fluids!

Cankles

2009-08-15T09:18:00.000-05:00

Kyle: Be careful walking here, the ground is pretty uneven. You don't want to roll a cankle.

I Have a Person Inside Me

2009-08-13T12:50:00.003-05:00

We call Brother 1 a rhino, because he is a rhino.

Brother 1: I'm at 199 pounds! Sweet!

Me: Shit. You can't loose more than five pounds before the baby is born.

Brother 1: Will I weigh less than you?!?! I'm going on the Lemonade Diet! I'm going to lose 10 pounds in a week, and start calling you Rhino!

Beatles

2009-08-10T15:06:00.002-05:00

Dad: You should have gotten up earlier today. Vanessa and I got to watch 80's music videos on VH1.

Me: And British 1 hit wonders!

Dad: But then, a Paul McCartney concert came on. It gave me really horrible diarrhea.

Thanks...

2009-08-07T13:56:00.002-05:00

Mom: What were you wearing on Saturday?

Me: A dress... why?

Mom: Well, Brother 1 said that he was a little embarrassed when you guys were out to dinner at that fancy restaurant, 'cause he was in a t-shirt. I asked him what you were wearing, and he said, "One of those pregnant muumuu things."

Nursery

2009-08-04T14:09:00.002-05:00

Me: Ok, we've got the crib and mattress, some sheets for the bassinet. Can you think of anything else our nursery needs that we didn't register for?

Kyle: More monkeys. There are definitely not enough monkeys in the nursery.

And that's how we ended up doing one entire wall in monkey decals :)

Halo

2009-07-19T11:42:00.001-05:00

Brother 1: Isn't that Brother 2's Halo 3 t-shirt?

Me: None of my t-shirts fit me anymore. And this one is soft and comfy.

Rich: At least you know the baby will be a Halo player.

Brother 1, rubs my belly: Hello Master Chief.

Vampires

2009-07-15T10:16:00.000-05:00

I worked all day removing a bunch of stuff from this photograph for a hotel advertisement, and was really happy with how it turned out, so I emailed it to a few people to show it off.

before:

after:

Response from Brother 1:
WoW. Everyone knows that with the new special camera you were using it is possible to take pictures of Vampires. The only problem is that photoshop has a hard time discerning the individual pixels of the ghostly figure. Thus, No Vampire in the photoshopped image.

Pork Chawesome AND YOU!!!!

2009-07-14T18:55:00.000-05:00

Recipe I received from Brother 1:

The first step to pork chawesome is to get some pork.
The second step to pork chawesome is to get some chawesome.
Your probably thinking where do i get some chawesome, Is it in isle 8 of my grocery store?
NO!!!

To make Chawesome just take Italian bread crumbs and mix them with more italian seasoning and Parmesan Cheese.

Violently slap the pork into a plate of some kind of oil, preferably not motor oil.
Drip off extra oil and punt the oiled pork into the Chawesome covering them thoroughly.
Place in the oven for 25- 45 min. Pork is very nice because it doesn't care how long you cook it for.
Pork + Chawesome + Heat = Pork Chawesome

So you've made pork chawesome but dont have any sides?
Recomended sides - Mushroom rice
pee's or green beans
Corn is terrible with pork chawesome
if you suggested corn I would not allow you to eat any of my Chawesome Pork

Never Allowed to Babysit

2009-07-02T14:40:00.002-05:00

Brother 1: When I babysit your kid, I'm going to duct tape it to the wall above the TV. That way I can watch both at the same time. I'm also going to make a saddle for your kid to ride the dog. Or maybe I'll just hog tie the baby to the dog, that would be easier. I'm also getting it a tricycle. If it's too little to pedal, I'll just tape its hands and feet to the handle bars and pedals, and push it down a hill.

Puppy Sausage

2009-06-30T13:59:00.001-05:00

Brother 2 is laying on top of the dog, talking in a baby voice.

Brother 2: I'm going to make you into sausage. Liiiiittle tiiiiiny puppy sausage. You are going to be so tasty.

Raptors

2009-06-18T11:53:00.002-05:00

Brother 2: Aaaarh! (raptor noise)

Kyle: What the hell was that?

Brother 2: I don't have a penis. I have a raptor strapped to my waist. It gets upset when I suck in my stomach, it must be uncomfortable.

Kyle: I though your penis was made up of a bunch of worms.

Brother 2: Nah, that's Brother 1. They synchronize when he wants to have sex though.

Wolverine

2009-06-13T10:20:00.000-05:00

Me: I have to get an MRI on my foot today, x-rays harm the baby.

Brother 1: I hope your baby isn't like Wolverine.

Me: It hasn't clawed its way out of my uterus yet. I'm pretty sure it's just a normal baby.

Brother 1: The claws could still be developing. I'm more worried about the metal skeleton. When you go in for that MRI, the magnets will rip it right out of you.

Jehovah Witnesses

2009-06-12T13:11:00.000-05:00

Dad: Did you hear about the Jehovah Witness that's been coming around trying to get Brother 2 to join a Bible Study? He's my age. He thinks Brother 2 is adorable.

Me: He used the word adorable?

Dad: No, I'm just trying to spice things up a bit.

A Witch!

2009-06-11T13:09:00.001-05:00

Dad: This crouton floats in my soup. It is the spawn of Satan.

Brother 2: Things that float are the spawn of Satan.

Dad: Yes. Like croutons, bread, ducks and Oprah.

Me: Are you sure Oprah floats?

Dad: Parts of her do.

Too Much Information

2009-06-09T16:08:00.000-05:00

Somehow, hand-jobs came up in conversation.

Brother 2: Wait. I thought the whole point of getting married was that you don't have to jerk off anymore.

Kyle: Doesn't quite work that way.

Brother 2: That's surprising. Brother 1 and I are total freaks.

Texts

2009-06-08T16:05:00.002-05:00

Brother 2 and my cousin Josh texting back and forth.

Brother 2: How's your pregnant wife doing?

Josh: Good. Tell your sister that if her wedding hadn't been so much fun, I wouldn't have gotten Sunny knocked up.

Brother 2 (with me telling him what to write): It's not her fault you don't know how to use a condom.

Josh: Look who's talking...

Brother 2: So, I think Brother 1 and I were the only ones paying attention in sex ed.

Where's Waldo

2009-06-04T14:59:00.003-05:00

Every year, my high school takes a big group senior picture. There are about 1000 seniors this year. Brother 2, knowing the senior picture was coming up, dressed up like Waldo. I'm going to have to scan the picture in.

Me: Where are you in this?

Brother 2: Find Waldo.

Infant Stew

2009-05-29T12:37:00.003-05:00

Brother 1: Why can't you go in the hot tub?

Me: It's too warm.

Mom: She'd boil the baby.

Me: Wow.

Brother 1: That'd probably taste pretty good...

Birthday Presents

2009-05-20T16:50:00.001-05:00

Brother 2: A package came UPS express today, addressed to you. Is that my present?

Me: Probably. Did you open it?

Brother 2: Mom didn't want me to get a felony for tampering with your mail, so she wouldn't let me.

Showing

2009-05-11T16:04:00.002-05:00

For those of you who don't know (random internet people), I'm about 5 months pregnant. Here are a few gems from the past couple months...

Brother 2 (rubbing my belly): Are you sure you didn't steal a watermelon?

...

Brother 2: I want to be Uncle Sausage Links!

Brother 1: I want to be Uncle Mandarin!

...

Dad (in creepiest voice ever, to my belly): I'm waiting for you!!!! I'm going to talk to you all the time so you know who I am when you're born. I already know who you are...

Puppy!

2009-04-29T14:54:00.001-05:00

My family got a new puppy! He's a golden-doodle named Ralph. He got his name because he puked in the car on the way home. He fits in perfectly already.

Married!

2009-04-14T16:04:00.003-05:00

The wedding was a success :)

Brother 1: We ushed the crap out of everyone!

Some favorites:

Stab

2009-04-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

Brother 1: I'm going to stab your family members!

Dad: Can you start with my oldest son? He needs to be stabbed the most.

Cake

2009-03-31T13:45:00.001-05:00

Me: I really wanted cake the other day, so I made a cake and wrote "Kyle is Awesome" on it. That way, Kyle would be excited when he got home from work, and I would get to eat cake.

Brother 1: You should have insulted him on it. Insult cakes are better.

Brother 2: Yeah, like "You're a butthole" cake.

Fire Anniversary

2009-03-24T12:07:00.002-05:00

Our furnace is broken.

Brother 2: DO NOT let them fix the furnace today!!

Mom: It's cold.

Brother 2: It is the anniversary of our house burning down. Seriously, you're going to risk it?

Mom: I don't think things work that way.

Paring Knife

2009-02-20T16:58:00.000-06:00

Mom: Have you seen my paring knife?

Brother 1: Yes. It's in my car.

Mom: What's it doing there?

Brother 1: I was paring things in my car. I had a pair for lunch today.

Porn Stars

2009-02-19T16:50:00.002-06:00

Mom: You spelled Khym wrong.

Me: No I didn't. That's how it's spelled in the emails I get from them.

Mom: I think that's the porn star spelling.

Me: Really?

Brother 1: At your wedding, can we have Uncle M and Aunt K's porn playing on a big projector screen during the reception?

Me: Don't you think that'll be weird? They're going to be there. And a large portion of the guests are related to them. It's be awkward.

Brother 1: Please?

Genetics

2009-02-02T10:24:00.001-06:00

Brother 1: My right testicle never moves very much. The left one flops all around though.

Brother 2: Me too!!

Brother 1: We have matching balls!

Lemonaids

2009-01-27T11:47:00.002-06:00

Brother 1 takes a sip of my lemonade.

Brother 1: Do you have monolaids?

Me: Is that a disease?

Brother 1: It's a cross between mono and aids. Only contracted through lemonade, that's why there's a L in the middle of the word.

Work Out Contest

2009-01-23T11:59:00.002-06:00

Brother 1 and I are competing to see who can work out the most before my wedding in April.

Me: I'm beating you! I just tap danced for an hour and a half!

Brother 1: I rode my bike an hour today.

Brother 2: I masturbated for 2 hours today. Does that count?

Wedding Favors

2009-01-15T12:52:00.002-06:00

Me: What should I give for wedding favors? Most people do mints or chocolate.

Brother 1: Yo-yo's.
Or a miniature pot roast.
Forks. No, put ribbons around the salad forks so everyone steals them!
Raffle tickets, we'll raffle off Grandma at the end of the night.

Graduation

2008-12-23T18:30:00.002-06:00

Mike opening another graduation card: Whoa! I'm not going to get a job. I'm just going to keep graduating from things.

Incest

2008-12-15T09:05:00.002-06:00

Brother 1: You know you can't have sex with my sister anymore.

Kyle: What?!?!?!

Brother 1: Yeah, since you're my new brother, and Vanessa is my sister, that's incest. You guys didn't think that through did you?

Wow. Flower girl is a popular position...

2008-12-10T14:33:00.001-06:00

Me: Will you be my flower girl?

Cousin G: YES!!! Vanessa. Do you want to hear something?

Me: What?

Cousin G: When my mom told me you got engaged, I told her that I wanted to be your flower girl!

Me: Whoa, luck you, you do get to be my flower girl!

Cousin G then proceeds to interrogate me about what she's wearing, how she's going to do her hair, etc.

Brother 1: Tell Cousin G I'm mad at her for taking my position!

Me: She's 6.

Brother 1: I'm still pissed.

Flower Girls

2008-12-05T12:23:00.000-06:00

Brother 2: Am I going to be in your wedding party?

Me: You're going to be an usher.

Brother 2: Aw! Sweet! So I can refuse to let people in?? Awesome!

Me: No! You are not a bouncer! Ushers walk people down the aisle to their seats. You make sure the little old ladies get there safely.

Brother 2: Aw. I want to be a flower girl then!

The next day:

Brother 1: Am I going to be in your wedding party?

Me: You get to be an usher.

Brother 1: But I want to be the little girl that throws flower petals and gives you your rings!

Me: That's what Brother 2 said too.

Brother 1: Ok, then we can hold hands and do it?

Me: No, you're an usher.

Brother 1: Oh! Like a bouncer!! We can have clipboards and a rope!

Me: No, you make sure the little old ladies get to their seats safely.

Brother 1: Can we have chicken fights with the old ladies?

Baboons

2008-12-04T12:14:00.001-06:00

Dad: Whoa, it looks like a baboon rubbed its butt on my glasses. I wonder if that's possible... I did hear something in my room last night.

Christmas

2008-12-02T11:41:00.001-06:00

Brother 1: I'm going to get you a husband for Christmas.

Me: I already found one of those.

Brother 1: We'll trade him in for a new model. Maybe one with hair.

Lies

2008-12-01T16:39:00.000-06:00

Aunt S: How old is Kyle?

Brother 1: 40. (25)

Aunt S: How long have they been dating again?

Brother 1: 3 weeks. (8 months)

Aunt S: What does her ring look like?

Brother 1: Uh, he got it in a cracker jack box, it's kinda crappy. (a beautiful saphire)

Aunt S: Have they thought about a date yet?

Brother 1: They're getting married this weekend in Michigan. (not sure yet)

I'm Engaged!!!

2008-11-30T16:30:00.002-06:00

Brother 2: We're going to have a set of challenges for you to complete before you can marry my sister. One of them will be skinny dipping in the Arctic. Brother 1 was able to do it, so you should be able to. Only then will you be able to be my brother.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T21:08:00.000-06:00

Brother 1 can't come home for Thanksgiving.

Brother 1: Dad told me that making Thanksgiving dinner just for myself is worse than drinking alone.

Toes

2008-11-25T21:08:00.001-06:00

Dad: Nice toe nails.

Me: I need to cut them, can you get me the clippers?

Dad: Let me get the butcher knife.

Drinking

2008-11-20T13:49:00.003-06:00

Last weekend I went to the Marine Birthday Ball with my great grandpa, he was a Marine in Korea, and was honored for being the oldest Marine in attendance. We were drinking from the time I got off the plane on Thursday until Sunday night when I left.

Gramps: I went to the doctor today. She said my blood is 90% alcohol and 10% blood.

A Few Favorites

2008-11-10T22:29:00.002-06:00

Happy Halloween!

2008-11-01T12:24:00.002-05:00

Cousin J

Pajamas

2008-10-31T11:28:00.000-05:00

Dad: I stopped wearing pajamas when I was a year and a half old. I've been sleeping naked since I was potty trained!

Puppies

2008-10-30T10:54:00.002-05:00

Me: We need to get a puppy, I wish we didn't have to wait until we had a house.

Brother 1: When I get home I'm getting 7 puppies.

Jinx

2008-10-19T22:43:00.002-05:00

Watching The Island, where these people are basically bred for spare parts.

Brother 2: Why is his name Echo 16? What does Echo stand for?

Cousin S: I think they name them by the year they were born, so the Echo guys are all 3 years old, and numbered, so they can keep track of them.

Brother 2 and Cousin J, simultaneously: I thought it was because he liked to have sex with dolphins.

Brother 2: Jinx.

Cars

2008-10-16T11:01:00.001-05:00

Brother 1: When I get a job, I'm trading in my truck for a Dodge Charger.

Me: Isn't that just like your truck?

Brother 1: No, it's a 4 door, with a V8.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: It's like if my truck and your Honda had sexual relations, this is the car that would be born.

Pee

2008-10-15T13:19:00.000-05:00

Brother 1: Did you know that if you pee in the toilet and don't flush for a long time, it'll smell like pork chops?

Passwords

2008-10-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

Me: Ok, I'm at the login, what's your password?

Brother 1: Your name.

Me: Your password is my name???

Brother 1: Yep.

Aquaman

2008-10-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

Dad: I'm almost done with my water. I've started drinking water now, instead of a second cup of coffee.

Me: That's good.

Dad: Yeah, sometimes I drink TWO cups of water. I'm trying to become Aquaman.

Farts

2008-10-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

Me: Can you ground Brother 2? He just farted on my leg.

Dad: Was it a good fart or a bad fart?

Me: Bad.

Dad: Well, that's good then, we should probably encourage him, and give him a dollar, like the tooth fairy.

Golden Retrievers

2008-10-08T15:29:00.000-05:00

Brother 1: When I get a dog, I hope it's half as nice as Buddy. I'm definitely getting a golden. Golden Retrievers are the best dogs.

Me: What about Sarah (Cousin J's golden retriever), she's kinda crazy?

Brother 1: That's 'cause Sarah is a girl dog, I'm getting a boy dog. Girl dogs are like girl humans. They go through heat and hump walls and doors.

Me: Girl humans go through heat and hump doors?

Brother 1: Yeah. Why do you think you're always humping stuff?

Economy

2008-10-07T12:15:00.000-05:00

Brother 2: Do you think heaven is in a recession too?

Holidays

2008-10-06T12:27:00.000-05:00

Me: I'm going to kick you in the face.

Dad: That's not allowed on Bushy Eyebrow Day!

Guts

2008-10-04T12:15:00.000-05:00

Dad: Your mother hates my guts. She won't answer my phone calls.

Sticks

2008-10-03T12:21:00.001-05:00

Me: Your wife is slacking, she hasn't given me a pay check in weeks.

Dad: You're going to have to yell at her! "Do your job!" but nicer, like by poking her with a pointy stick.

Serial Killer

2008-10-02T11:44:00.001-05:00

Brother 1: I'm pretty sure your boyfriend is a serial killer.

Me: Really? Uh oh.

Brother 1: Yeah, he's going to kill you.

Me: Will you protect me?

Brother 1: Only if he tries to murder you at home. If you murders you at his house, there's nothing I can do.

Me: So you're just going to let me die.

Brother 1: Well, if you suddenly disappear, I'll go after him.