Dog Farts

Mom: Guess what woke me up this morning...

Me: What?

Mom: The smell of dog farts.

Poo

Me: I lost 1.2 pounds this week!

Brother 1: 1.2 pounds could mean you took a crap today.

Me: My crap doesn't weight 1.2 pounds.

Brother 2: Cousin J takes a crap and then he's 5 pounds lighter. Cousin J has a way with poo.

Brother 1: Cousin J has his way with poo?? How does he have his way with poo? Holds it down...

Brother 2: A way. A way with poo.

Sweet Baby Ray's

Here is a list of all the things Brother 1 wants to do with Sweet Baby Ray's Barbeque Sauce:

1. Make popsicles
2. Brush his teeth with it
3. Milkshakes
4. As filling in a donut

Start Singing

Remember this song?

Dad: Why aren't people singing the Pajama Wham Slamma song in the streets? You were supposed to use your blog to get it out to the world. You failed at your mission.

Work

Me: I'm going to bed. I'm tired and I worked for a million hours today.

Brother 1: No you didn't.

Me: I went to work at 9, came home, changed and babysat until 11:30. How many hours is that?

Brother 1: Three. Babysitting doesn't count, and neither does making people look pretty on the computer. You can count your drive there and back though.

Pay the Doctor

Cousin G age 4 (looking in my ear with her pretend doctor equipment): I see something!!!

Me: What is it Doctor G? Can you get it out?

Cousin G: It's one of those big black birds!

Me: A crow?

Cousin G: Yeah!!! A crow in your ear!!

She pretends to pull a crow out of my ear.

Cousin G: Lets put it in a cage. We can release it into the wild later!


She then proceeded to tell everyone that they owed her $100 for removing the crow from my ear. She made $1.35, we'll pay her the $98.65 when she receives her medical degree.

Cicadas

You guys know what cicadas are right? If not google search them. Or read this article. Although, that article is more just fun, and not very informative. Anyway, our trees are covered in cicadas, and everyone is eating them. (read: my dog and box turtle and the little boy I baby-sit for)

Brother 1: Cicadas have a really crappy life.

Me: Why? 'Cause they live underground for 17 years only to come up and die in 3 months?

Brother 1: No. 'Cause they crawl out of the ground just to be eaten by things that are eating them just for fun.

Poop

A few weeks ago, at school, Brother 1 got really drunk at a party a few miles a way from his apartment. He couldn't drive home, and didn't want a ride, since he gets really car sick when he's drunk, so he decided to walk. About twenty minutes into his walk, he happens upon a Burger King. He walks through the drive through and attempts to order a double quarter pounder. They won't sell it to him, since he is not in a car, so he convinces the employee that she should be nice and just give him the burger. Suprisingly, she agrees. Brother 1 is happy. He keeps walking, but now he has another problem. He needs to poop. Unlike a sober person, who would find an open store and ask to use their restroom, he finds a bush in some nice family's front yard, and poops in it. The entire walk takes an hour. The drive would have taken 5 minutes. Was free Burger King and pooping in a front yard worth it? Brother 1 says yes.

Great Birthday Presents

Here's what Brother 1 got Dad for his birthday. Perfect present.

Potatos

We were having ribs from The Patio last night for dinner, and they serve mashed potatos in little styrofoam bowls.

Dad: OH!! That's why the butter won't spread! The lid's still on!

I look over, and there are smears of butter all over the lid of Dad's potatos.

Brain Tumors

Brother 1: I'm disappointed you don't have a brain tumor.

Me: I'm not. If I had a brain tumor I would have had to have chemo and radiation and would have ended up bald.

Brother 1: Exactly, I think you'd look good bald.

Medieval Times

Today was Brother 2's birthday. Happy birthday Brother 2! We went to Medieval Times, where he was Knighted! During one part of the show, the horses were performing tricks.

Mom: I wish we had brought apples to give the horses.

Me: Or carrots, horses like carrots too.

Brother 1: I thought horses liked blue footed boobies.

Diseases

Brother 1: If someone told me I had to pick a disease, any disease to have, even the common cold, I think I'd choose leprosy.

Me: I think I'd do my research and choose a disease that either had no symptoms, or showed up really late in life.

Brother 1: No, I'd choose leprosy. I'd be fun to be all contagious.

Butt

Me: Dad? Can you do me a favor? Unplug my computer and plug it in over there. The powercord isn't long enough to reach.

Dad: Unplug your computer and plug it into the dogs butt? Oh, you're sick. Poor Buddy!

Favors

Brother 1: I need you to do me a favor.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: It's going to be hard. Really time consuming, and it's going to require all of your skills.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: And you're going to have to be good with a lance. Your lance skills will be tested.

Bulls Will Win In 4

Me: I like Hinrich, he has big ears.

Brother 1: That's so he can fly.

Me: I'm excited they're winning!

Brother 1: It's all 'cause Wallace let his hair out. It's good luck.

More Fresca

Remember this? Yeah, it was last July... and they're still talking about it.

Brother 1: I talked to Cousin J last week, he found a Fresca with ghonnorea-AIDS, GHAIDS for short.

Me: Really?

Brother 1: Yeah, it's in the new orange Fresca's. And the antidote ones are really rare, so I would suggest just not drinking the orange Fresca's. You don't want GHAIDS.

Egg Babies

Brother 2 had to make an egg baby for health class. If he can keep it alive for 3 days, he gets 25 extra credit points.

Dad: Did you kill your baby yet?

Brother 2: The egg is still alive.

Dad: If I had an egg baby, it would be dead already. I would have killed it, execution style, this morning.

Squirrel

Brother 1: I hope I hit a squirrel on my drive home.

Me: That's awful.

Brother 1: Then at least someone will be having a worse day than me.

2 Things

Brother 1 is driving home from school when he calls me on the phone.

Brother 1: I have two things to tell you.

Me: Ok.

Brother 1: One-- I thought I crapped my pants. It smelled so bad in my car. But then I drove by a deer that had been hit by a car, and it had shit all over the road. So I didn't crap my pants, it was just a dead deer trying to trick me.

Two-- Did you know that Ohio doesn't start until you're already into Cincinatti? Cincinatti is probably 30% in Kentucky. It's ok though, 'cause they have a double decker bridge. If you're heading north, you get to be on the bottom.

Brain Tumor

Mom: You didn't tell me you had a final yesterday!

Brother 1: Well, you didn't tell me my sister was dying of a brain tumor*, so we're even!

*I don't really have a brain tumor.

Drunk

Me: Don't be a mean drunk tonight.

Brother 2: I'm not a mean drunk, I'm a mean person.

Songs

Dad (singing): Brother 2 is a huge fart head!

Brother 2: What did you say?

Dad: Nothing, nothing, just singing a new hit I heard on the radio this afternoon.

May

Dad: It's May 1st. Do you know what that means?

Brother 2: There are 18 days until my birthday?

Dad: No, there are 12 days until MY birthday!